Let go a little.

I realised the other night that I only have a week and a half of holidays left. I love holidays and the opportunity to immerse myself in a lot of “me” time. I also welcome the chance to do things without having to rush around and without having school preparation hanging over me. In the past I’ve tended to do a number of things that make me feel – dare I say – like my life is worthwhile. I really like to live life to the full and make the most of my free time.

For example, after holidays two years ago I was rapt to be able to say that I had been to Sydney for a week and done some beautiful bushwalks. I had done a lot of exercise and felt great. Or, there was the annual holiday in years gone by where I caught up with my friend in the country and came away feeling truly rejuvenated each and every time. In fact, I used to find visiting her was like going on a wonderful spiritual retreat. Of course, there have been many holidays where I have read memorable books, cleaned the house from top to bottom (almost!) or done some craft …

When I realised the other night that the holidays would soon be over, I felt that I was just getting into it and I worried that I had not  achieved much. This got me to thinking that perhaps I still need to work on developing a greater appreciation of the simple and simply embrace what is.

When I was young I often did well at school. I grew up feeling that my academic achievements made me worthwhile. When I struggled with life as an adult, organising to do an Italian short course or challenging myself to go for a walk each day of the holidays motivated me and took my mind off being alone and feeling worthless.

I’m not sure if this is a social anxiety trait or just a “me” trait, but I tend to hold on to what was brilliant in the past e.g. that Italian course, that Sydney holiday, and keep it as the benchmark for every other holiday.

I think it's time once again to let go a little and appreciate where I am right now. In other words, my simple holiday holds as much value as any other holiday. Last year I hurt my back and I thought I had a good reason for staying home so much. Nevertheless, I need to let go of  expectations whether I've got a sore back or not.

I hold on very tightly when something great happens, and similarly when something difficult happens. I need to work on tempering my responses. I remember my second year of teaching was dream-like, amazing, unforgettable. In subsequent years that second year became my benchmark against which all my teaching was measured.  Not only have I thought that way about

work but also with many other things in my life.

This holiday is not Sydney 2014. It’s January, 2016! Realistically, I had two wonderful days in South Australia. I enjoyed a lovely long walk along the beach. And I finally got to ride my new bike. You know, with a little time to reflect, this holiday is full of much that is good. There is much to celebrate: big and small!

Sometimes, it just takes a little time to reflect and a change of perspective to appreciate what is happening. I need to remind myself that accomplishments are not the only means to achieving a worthwhile life.  I hope I can remember to be aware of holding onto past experiences which I set in concrete as the barometer for today’s experiences, at the expense of being open to what the present holds.

Inspiration and other random thoughts

Lately my partner and I have been watching the current series of The Biggest Loser. It's not something I usually watch. I do like some reality shows but I find many of them are too focussed on setting people against each other and far too many segments are contrived.
If I watch a TV show about houses I want to be inspired and entertained. I actually want to see the joy and anguish of struggling to build a home on a limited budget. I want to get inspiration for creating a home in a particular style. I do not want to find entertainment in watching a couple bicker with each other or with another couple.
So, I was pleasantly surprised last week when one of the TBL contestants won a bonus $5000 and had to gift it to someone from another team. A condition of accepting the gift was that you had to leave the competition. Of course there were conditions attached and most likely there was an ulterior motive behind the final decision.
Well, you can imagine how inspired I was to hear the winning contestant offer the cash to contestant no. 2 because the latter was a mum who was finding it hard to be away from her young children for so long and whose family could really benefit from a financial boost.
I stopped what I was doing when I heard this going to air. I actually waited for the sting in the tail, for the nastiness. 
How often do we hear people on TV doing something just because it could help someone? How often do those reality shows allow people to choose kindness when the premise of the program is about winning and losing? 
The next day I happened to be reading my book,  and I came across this passage in which the author proposes an alternative definition of success.
         SUCCESS is living a full and balanced life in partnership with others
         to create a joyful feeling of love, contribution, appreciation and abundance,
         despite how our endeavours may turn out.
                                                                           End The Struggle and Dance With Life
                                                                            Susan Jeffers
Ever the idealist, I love to think we could build a world that promotes teamwork. 

I wonder what would happen if we encouraged these reality contestants to work with each other, sharing ideas, helping each other out and giving them ample time to hone their skills and craftsmanship. 
Imagine a lifestyle program which focussed on skills, creativity and character-building...

Shift the focus

There's a lot I haven't done this week. I would love to wax lyrical about it all but, tempting as it is, I have decided to focus on what I did do this week.

I know that as someone with social anxiety I seem to have a natural bias towards the negative side of life experiences. My tendency is to worry, worry, worry and worry some more.
      "How was your party?"
      "It was good...the cake didn't turn out...I didn't get time to make the fabulous meat pie ....         I wanted to decorate the room a little but I was too busy...."
This would be my typical response to something which might actually have been enjoyed by all without any criticism. 

So here we go with a rundown of what I've done this week.  

I managed to have breakfast every morning before I left for work.
I managed to get to bed early one night.
I got the dishes done last night. I was about to walk away from the last few but, after thinking about it, determined it would pay to get them finished there and then.
I finished my reports.
I relished getting out in the garden last weekend, so much so that I'm going to try and include gardening time in this weekend.
I visited my mum.
I did yoga and it felt great. 
I  consulted my weekly planner several times and today I set up my work notebook so I get my to do list up and running again.
I bought myself new jeans and wore them this week.  
I started reading books again. Not electronic ones. Real paper ones. It was a totally delightful experience, and one I plan to continue.
I remembered to wear my glasses when watching TV. Much more enjoyable that way.

Sits above the sink while I do the dishes.

I found a beautiful use for something I was going to throw out...and what a superb-never to be beaten- incentive for getting those dished done!

It's too easy for me to slip into negative mode when life gets busy and stressful. It's important that I keep practising those habits that keep my SA in check. Just taking a few minutes to list "good things for this week" is enough to help me shift gear from negative to positive. Just a few minutes is enough to shift my focus. I feel better for it and the realisation makes me want to keep moving in the positive direction.  

Negativity is offputting to others and a drain on my own energy. Thinking about what works, what helps, what is good, is more lifegiving.  I just need to remember to stop and reflect from time to time so that I can keep track of how I'm going and to know when it's time to shift the focus and change gears again!

What I Can Do

 

 I don't feel well. I haven't felt great for a few days now. There's so much I want to do. I want to run. I want to garden. I want to create. I want to invite people over. Yet, I can't. I miss my days of planning and ticking off goals and tasks and feeling like I'm making the most of my life. 

   This morning, lying in bed and feeling too tired to get up, I wondered how to make sense of it. I've been reading lots of blogs as I haven't had enough energy for much else, but it has left my mind buzzing with stories of people who are running around doing hundreds of  things while I do nothing. 

   Then I remembered. Nearly twenty years ago, I was going through a slump. It was one of the worst times in my life and, back then, not knowing I had social anxiety, it was incredibly difficult to know what to do. I felt isolated at that time and no one really knew I was struggling. It was a time of transition. I had left a beautiful job and lifestyle for another one and it wasn't working out. In fact, the job was disastrous and I had to leave. 

   With no work, I used to sync my life with the TV. Oprah was on at 2:00 in the afternoon and after a dose of inspiration from her I would feel better about moving on with my day. One afternoon, still feeling very sorry for myself , Oprah was interviewing a young man who had lost so much and had so little. I was impressed to see how conscientious he was. It amazed me that he believed enough in himself to go to school, have goals and be determined to pass and go on to further study. 

   Oprah asked him how he managed to keep going. 

   He replied, "I just think about what I can do. I don't think about what I can't do." 

   Now those words have stayed with me. Very close to me. For the big challenges as well as the smaller ones. I may have mistaken the precise wording but I have never forgotten the lesson that young man taught me. I don't like to promote "big business" but I do want to acknowledge how important that program was to me at that time. 

I was so self-absorbed in what I couldn't do that I had forgotten what I could do.

   So this morning, I shared the story with Mr S and I realised that I need to approach my life this week with that in mind. It's frustrating not being able to do the things I love but there is still so much that I have and that I can do.

This week...
I can lie in bed while the rain pours down (not the whole week!).
I can see the sun shining over the park after the last downpour.
I can still try to keep up my water intake.
I can still try to be mindful of my internet usage.
I've got two lovely classes of students so I think I can still keep teaching without losing my voice and taking time off work.
I can make sure that I monitor my health and rest as much as possible.
I can prioritise what needs to be done.
I can dream about all those projects and dreams I want to work on when I do feel stronger!

Happy SAD Thoughts

Having SAd is something that is always with me. More often than not I forget I have it. However, I cannot forget forever. SAd has a way of knocking on my door and reminding me that it has a fixed place in my life. At times like that I realise  I need to work at keeping myself grounded and in the position where I can mange my SAd easily.

There are many things I do that help me stay centred. Getting enough sleep is a high priority. Exercise has helped me use my energy in a productive way and leaves me feeling good. I try to work out three times a week but most times it's once or twice. I have hobbies that nourish me, such as gardening and I recognise other practices which give me a boost. Having a chai latte is simple enough. It warms me inside and provides an excuse to relax and enjoy a few moments of solitude. 

One of the key ways that keeps my thoughts grounded is by reading and watching out for inspiration from other people and sources. Getting a regular fix of both positive and challenging ideas makes it easier for me to think positively and challenge the negative thoughts. I often look out on pinterest for meaningful quotes and I always welcome finding reports in the newspaper that shine a light on social anxiety.

This week I came across this clip via Life behind the purple door . Dayarne at Simple joys and silver linings  shares her experience of anxiety. She's made a video in which she speaks frankly and simply about what anxiety has been like for her. I think it helps immensely to know others out there have gone through what I have and to know I am not alone in this. It is also great to have role models and to see how others forge on - with their anxiety- and move forward with their life. 

I firmly believe the more we talk about social anxiety the easier it will be for those who have it but are not aware of it to find ways to manage it. It would have been so good, when I was young and struggling, to have had some strategies to turn to, or some role models to look up to and I'm talking about helping me just to get through the day.
If you would like to see more words of inspiration, have a look at my pinterest board of Happy SAd Thoughts.

This week I'd like to leave you with some words of inspiration.
As you can see I'm an amateur when it comes to presenting quotes myself.... 
Have a lovely Sunday.

Living in the shadows: A quick message of encouragement.

One of my main reasons for blogging is to create a gentle awareness of social anxiety and  to encourage people to do something about it. A few days ago I came across some long-ago memories of my walk with social anxiety when I was cleaning out the shed.

Thoughts I had on social anxiety aged 31. Not knowing that "the shadows" had a name.

               Why do I feel as if I am standing in the shadows?
               I want to step out
               But there is no place for me

               In the shadows 
               I busy myself
              Caught up happily in life's demands
              Until again 
              The beauty of light flickers my way
              And I stop and look

              There is beauty in the shadows
              But the light is where life blooms.

That day in the shed I spent a long time flicking through pages and pages of those old diaries and letters. The letters brought back the most wonderful memories of  my first year backpacking alone and my later years working abroad.  However, the diaries were  a little more revealing. They showed, in detail, the struggle that was a part of my everyday life.

When I returned from working overseas my friends, who were by that time long-married, were having their first and second children.  I found it hard to reconnect with them. I was struggling to go out on weekends. I was struggling to find someone to share a coffee with. I wanted to go for walks but I was too embarrassed, too shy, too uncomfortable. I wanted to meet people but I found it so hard. I felt terribly lonely and my diaries show the first signs of cynicism entering my life during that time.

I don't feel that I am living in the shadows anymore. Sure, life is sometimes lonely and challenging. I see that now as a normal part of being human. I believe social anxiety will always be a part of my life but I try not to let it define me.  Nowadays, I have clocked up hundreds of walks by myself and this year I started to run by myself. (Needless to say, this did not happen overnight.)

But the change from struggling with life to engaging with life only came about when I started to go to counselling with a professional.

If you're familiar with this hidden struggle, I'd like to offer you a message of encouragement. Perhaps you would like to learn  how to step out from the shadows. I hope you get an opportunity in 2015 to  see a counsellor or psychologist, if you haven't already, so that you can begin the journey to a more light-filled  life.

Life doesn't always have to be about living in the shadows. 

DISCLAIMER:
I write this blog from a personal perspective.
I am not an expert nor a professional regarding the subject of social anxiety.
When I offer a definition of what social anxiety is, it may not be what the experts say it is. It is simply my interpretation of my experience of it.

Admire...Don't compare

Last year  I started displaying key words on my desk calendar to remind me what my focus was for the month, particularly in relation to my SAd goals.

Something I really wanted to work on back then was my need to compare myself to the world.

        Well, everyone else is married and happy. I should be. No one  wants to marry me.

        Mary over there dresses so nicely. I don't look as good as that. Down the ranks I go!

And  on and on and on.

Stop comparing was what I needed to do.

March arrived and I knew it was  time to focus on that very idea. At that same time I came across a wonderful message at Bodyheart , featured by The Wellness Warrior. At first, I wondered what the presenter was talking about. By the end I realised the message was just what I needed to hear.  And it was very simple.

Whenever I find my inner chatterbox going into COMPARE mode that's my signal to change over to ADMIRE mode. So I tried changing gears every time I realised I was comparing myself with others. ADMIRE mode certainly felt better  than the drained feeling I had after some of my inner chatterbox comparison rants.  That one positive word was a simple solution for what was really a lot of unhelpful negativity. 

Guess what my key word ended up being for  that month!   Yep! ADMIRE.  During this past week I caught myself falling into COMPARE mode and feeling negative about myself and others as a result. Once I realised what I was doing, the word  COMPARE triggered the solution ADMIRE and I was able to quickly and effectively rectify my attitude. Have a look:


 COMPARE MODE            Look at Jenny. Her outfit is so trendy. I bet everyone looks at her. I don't look like that.  Why don't I look like that? Noone looks at me

                      >>>>>> CHANGE>>>>

  ADMIRE MODE             Wow! Jenny looks great in that outfit. Those jeans really suit her.


(I went looking for the video again but haven't been able to locate it. It was such a powerful message for me at the time I am able to recall the website.)

Another SAd perspective: ACT

The other day I had just woken up when there was a knock at the door. Not too many people come to my house so a knock at the door that early was a surprise. I was in a mildly deflated mood as a day earlier I had said goodbye to a young person who had been staying with me and I was feeling the solitude and so wishing things were different.


I looked through the glass and saw a woman with a bouquet of flowers.

"Gotta be a mistake," I thought. "No one would want to give me flowers unless it was for work I had done."
"Mr X has taken the plunge and sent me flowers as a token of his love"
"That would never happen. It happens to everyone else but not me."


These were the thoughts that flashed through my head. Typical SAd type thoughts. Negative. Critical.

So I opened the door feeling pretty sure that the flowers were a mistake.  In fact it wasn't a mistake. The flowers were mine. I do a little volunteer work here and there and the agency had sent them to me as a thank you gesture. I took the flowers inside and left them on the bench.

 "All I'm good for is my work," I reflected. I went and sat down and started watching TV.

Then I reflected some more. "How ungrateful am I?" I knew I would be embarrassed if friends could see how I really thought. And I realised, too, that I had a new day unfolding before me and I didn't want it to be all about the "poor me" saga. I knew what I had to do. I knew it was completely up to me. I had the skill and the power to change that mindset and try to make the day a better one.


 The only way I knew to make a definite change was to put it on paper. For me, putting pen to paper somehow makes me accountable and enables me to see how things really are.

So I did. I forced myself  to write about the flowers in a postive way even though my initial thoughts were still negative. I acknowledged the thoughtfulness of the people who had sent me the flowers. I thought how lovely the flowers would look in my living room.

It worked! Only a short time later, I finished the task truly feeling much better about the flowers arriving and my negative frame of mind had shifted.

I learnt about this approach one night when I couldn't sleep. I heard a man on the radio (ABC radio) talking about the ACT technique (?). It might have been a Mr Harris and the book he referred to may have been The Happiness Trap. He explained that for anxious people we sometimes need to act first and let the feeling of confidence/the change come later. I've used this technique many times to transform a situation (once I allow my stubbornness  stand aside) and it certainly helped that morning to shift my attitude.

Have you ever found yourself using this sort of technique? How has it helped you?

2011 and 2012: Moving past the obstacles.

Holidays!
After months of work and stress and worry, I can actually sit here, on this delightfully sunny day, look at the blog title and think: The pot holes don't worry me! Yet only a few days ago I felt I had been stepping in the pot-holes and getting caught. Certainly, for me, time and space enable me to centre and ground myself. And with the sun shining, hibiscus blooming and fingers on the keyboard, I can only feel positive about the lazy days ahead of me.

Since I broke up from work I've been trying to recover a more positive sense of who I am and where I'm at (keeping in mind the reality of  some of life's experiences that tend to draw me away from all of that).

OK. Step one: Focus on the positive. Even when the days are gloomy and hard work, there are things to be grateful for. This doesn't mean you have to ignore the difficulties. It means that you have to be careful that the negative is not the only side you look for. The postive is there if you care to look.

Now: Step two. Hmmmm.
Well, for me it's journalling but others may have another way of ensuring that you keep life in perspective, that your worries don't dominate your life and you remain aware of where you're at.
Interestingly I've found parts of this year were challenging and left me feeling rather flat about life. But during these months I was not journalling, I was not practising gratitude and I was not indulging in those activities that make me feel good about myself. 
Years ago, before I went to counselling and learnt about SAD, the one thing that really helped me clear my head of excess negativity was the journalling. I got the idea for spilling it all out from The Vein of Gold by Julia Cameron (She refers to Morning Pages rather than journalling). I find that when I journal I get my feelings out and I'm able to discern my mood. Almost naturally, I find myself wanting to end the journalling with a positive outlook. I tend to challenge myself to make the best of what I have in that moment. The journalling helps bring me back to the present and allows me to see whether my jottings are too negative or not.
The great thing about the journalling is that you can write anything. I am so honest when I journal. It's surprising how therapeutic it can be without even trying.

Summer is here.
Barwon Heads, Victoria

2011 and 2012 Moving the obstacles out of the way

It's been such a long time since I was last here. I've been busy with work, looking after children and with just tackling  the fatigue and lethargy that comes along.

The end of the year saw me looking after some young people when at the start of 2011 I had gritted my teeth and decided to face the grim fact that I would never be capable of looking after children in my home except for the occasional weekend. Life has surprised me and it has brought a smile to my face. Somehow, it makes for a peaceful sleep at night. Somehow the house does not seem so cavernous!

I had a chance at love and blew it. This put a damper on the rest of the year. I sent a lovely Christmas card to the man in question, hoping to convince him to make another go of it. It's just really hard trying to explain to the uninitiated that SAD can make you say the stupidest things and act in the weirdest way. SAD or not, I am responsible and again I have sabotaged a chance at happiness for myself (and for him :)) I'm in my 40s now so I don't wear this sort of result very well.  It's not easy facing the rest of your life on your own and pretending that you don't care for companionship as you step out into the world each day.  Well, I could go on and on....  I don't want to be negative about life, a trap I can easily fall into, but it's hard to get excited about a life on my own amid people whose lives are full of intimacy and relationships.


Any advice on how to deal with it?

So it's time to prepare for 2012. And the challenge is to try to approach it positively. And right now I don't think I can do it. So bear with me as I try to work out a way to overcome those obstacles getting in the way.

Here goes.
Step 1

Focus on what is good in your life. Yes, bad things happen but don't lose sight of the good stuff.

Life is good right now.
Today ...

• I was tired and I could sleep it off without worrying about work or getting someone's meal.
• It was a gloomy morning but by evening the sun had come out and the day seemed cheerier.
• I had a delicious, healthy, store-bought risotto (Pitango).
• I got to listen to some podcasts which I don't usually have time for. 
• The holidays are here. Hooray!
• I did things as I pleased today, in my own time and in my own way.
• I felt a bit strange about being on my own but I persevered and, really, the day was pleasant. 

Life has given me many good things this year.
In 2011...

• My year ended with me fostering children, after having "dropped" that dream. It was enjoyable and I managed it without too much stress.
• There were some difficult times at work. But, the first three months were truly wonderful. I love it when you go to work and you experience the joy of the craftmanship of your work, as well as the privilege of working with such delightful young people.
• After ten years of drought, we've had lots of rain all year. There are flowers growing in my garden which I haven't seen for so long. And I finally got the back yard garden patch cleared and mulched. It's ready to be an organic vegie garden.
• And I started my first blog. It took a long time to get up the courage to put myself out there in the bloggersphere and I've got a fair way to go. But, I did start and I did do it!!! And I feel good about that.