This week

Another week has passed and now we've got a long weekend. I had a very tiring week. I went two days without eating until late in the day and I feel I'm paying for it. It's a reminder that not only do I need to make sure I menu plan every week but I also have to keep in mind that we probably need to buy more each week. I think I went out to pick up extra groceries three times this week. Hmmmm!!

I've been trying to do extra study this term. I'm on a team working on a new program for our school and I've realised that it's a whole new language. I feel, too, that if the school is investing in us we need to do the job honourably. After all this is all about the students' education and ultimately their future.

I went for a run this morning. In my new runners. Which carried me along so swiftly. Actually, not! I had to cut it short as I'm not very fit at the moment. I want to squeeze in a run during the week but in the mornings it's dark and getting cold and in the evenings I am usually too tired. So I will challenge myself again to exercise three times this coming week. I figure that any exercise is better than nothing so let's see.

When I look back at the week and reflect it seems that it's a time of adjustment. I have a new and very different routine at work. One day a week I work off-campus and one day a week I work on the project.  The weather is changing making it harder to fit in a spot of outdoor gardening or exercise. I remember Martha Beck's advice many years ago to go with the flow when life goes awry. Life's not awry here but I think her advice still bodes well as I try to find the rhythm with a new routine and new demands. Like an autumn leaf being carried down the river, that is what I plan to do.

Today I'm catching up with friends and after that I hope to get out in the garden. I also want to get in some study. The best thing, of course, is that tomorrow is another holiday. Life is full of so many wonderful things!

During the week, as part of my reflection time, I worked on an A4 version of the following quote. I had been thinking that painting and crafting can take a lot of time but  getting creative on the computer can be faster, so I tried it the other day when I had a spare half-hour. I tried to format the final product so that it was suitable for the blog but it wouldn't work. As I said above, this is a week of readjustment so you get a readjusted version of the quote (and may I say not nearly as good).

Enjoy your week and keep moving with the flow!

Shift the focus

There's a lot I haven't done this week. I would love to wax lyrical about it all but, tempting as it is, I have decided to focus on what I did do this week.

I know that as someone with social anxiety I seem to have a natural bias towards the negative side of life experiences. My tendency is to worry, worry, worry and worry some more.
      "How was your party?"
      "It was good...the cake didn't turn out...I didn't get time to make the fabulous meat pie ....         I wanted to decorate the room a little but I was too busy...."
This would be my typical response to something which might actually have been enjoyed by all without any criticism. 

So here we go with a rundown of what I've done this week.  

I managed to have breakfast every morning before I left for work.
I managed to get to bed early one night.
I got the dishes done last night. I was about to walk away from the last few but, after thinking about it, determined it would pay to get them finished there and then.
I finished my reports.
I relished getting out in the garden last weekend, so much so that I'm going to try and include gardening time in this weekend.
I visited my mum.
I did yoga and it felt great. 
I  consulted my weekly planner several times and today I set up my work notebook so I get my to do list up and running again.
I bought myself new jeans and wore them this week.  
I started reading books again. Not electronic ones. Real paper ones. It was a totally delightful experience, and one I plan to continue.
I remembered to wear my glasses when watching TV. Much more enjoyable that way.

Sits above the sink while I do the dishes.

I found a beautiful use for something I was going to throw out...and what a superb-never to be beaten- incentive for getting those dished done!

It's too easy for me to slip into negative mode when life gets busy and stressful. It's important that I keep practising those habits that keep my SA in check. Just taking a few minutes to list "good things for this week" is enough to help me shift gear from negative to positive. Just a few minutes is enough to shift my focus. I feel better for it and the realisation makes me want to keep moving in the positive direction.  

Negativity is offputting to others and a drain on my own energy. Thinking about what works, what helps, what is good, is more lifegiving.  I just need to remember to stop and reflect from time to time so that I can keep track of how I'm going and to know when it's time to shift the focus and change gears again!

What I Can Do

 

 I don't feel well. I haven't felt great for a few days now. There's so much I want to do. I want to run. I want to garden. I want to create. I want to invite people over. Yet, I can't. I miss my days of planning and ticking off goals and tasks and feeling like I'm making the most of my life. 

   This morning, lying in bed and feeling too tired to get up, I wondered how to make sense of it. I've been reading lots of blogs as I haven't had enough energy for much else, but it has left my mind buzzing with stories of people who are running around doing hundreds of  things while I do nothing. 

   Then I remembered. Nearly twenty years ago, I was going through a slump. It was one of the worst times in my life and, back then, not knowing I had social anxiety, it was incredibly difficult to know what to do. I felt isolated at that time and no one really knew I was struggling. It was a time of transition. I had left a beautiful job and lifestyle for another one and it wasn't working out. In fact, the job was disastrous and I had to leave. 

   With no work, I used to sync my life with the TV. Oprah was on at 2:00 in the afternoon and after a dose of inspiration from her I would feel better about moving on with my day. One afternoon, still feeling very sorry for myself , Oprah was interviewing a young man who had lost so much and had so little. I was impressed to see how conscientious he was. It amazed me that he believed enough in himself to go to school, have goals and be determined to pass and go on to further study. 

   Oprah asked him how he managed to keep going. 

   He replied, "I just think about what I can do. I don't think about what I can't do." 

   Now those words have stayed with me. Very close to me. For the big challenges as well as the smaller ones. I may have mistaken the precise wording but I have never forgotten the lesson that young man taught me. I don't like to promote "big business" but I do want to acknowledge how important that program was to me at that time. 

I was so self-absorbed in what I couldn't do that I had forgotten what I could do.

   So this morning, I shared the story with Mr S and I realised that I need to approach my life this week with that in mind. It's frustrating not being able to do the things I love but there is still so much that I have and that I can do.

This week...
I can lie in bed while the rain pours down (not the whole week!).
I can see the sun shining over the park after the last downpour.
I can still try to keep up my water intake.
I can still try to be mindful of my internet usage.
I've got two lovely classes of students so I think I can still keep teaching without losing my voice and taking time off work.
I can make sure that I monitor my health and rest as much as possible.
I can prioritise what needs to be done.
I can dream about all those projects and dreams I want to work on when I do feel stronger!

Navigating potholes in the road of life.

It seems that the last couple of months have been one pothole in the road after another.

Tonight a mechanic told me that my car is in no condition to be driven. Not even to the garage to be fixed.  Last week I took Mr S up to his new job in the country and the realisation hit that he needs a car to manage that job. Up until now he was happy taking public transport. All of a sudden a new car is on the must-do list and that certainly wasn't part of the plan for 2015.

Yet, we're both OK and as frazzled as I've been, at times, we're managing fine, which got me to thinking: "Why?"  Years ago, I would have cried, felt burdened and  been down on myself.

When I look back I can see that many of the challenges I encountered through the years have actually made it easier for me to deal with what I face now in my life.

I remember backpacking many years ago. I was terrified before I set off. At that time, my friends were married and settled while I was still navigating the hassle of life. However I so wanted to go travelling, nothing would stop me. I remember challenging myself to go into Target alone and not walk out straight away. I figured if I were going to travel the world I might need to practise walking around new places by myself.  That's right. As a young woman in my twenties, it was quite a challenge to go into a small, quiet department store and actually wander around.

So that particular day I did it, excruciating as it was. 

I ended up travelling the world for 11 months on my own.

That was the year I learned that dreams can come true. I came to realise that if you really want something you can find a way to do it. What I also know is that life may not be easy... but amazing things  can still happen one way or another. It helps to remember this when the going gets tough.

at the bus-stop

A few years ago I noticed I was getting really impatient, stressed and upset waiting in traffic. I eventually decided that I needed to tackle the problem instead of getting frustrated and upset. 

So these last few weeks, as I waited for buses that didn't come, I was  reminded that getting upset and stressing hurts no one but me.  I've learned that no amount of cursing will make that bus come any faster, nor will my anger allow me to find a better way of dealing with the situation.

I watched my dad die slowly. I've seen friends deal with infertility. I have students who don't have a parent. Over time, all of these personal encounters  have taught me how to keep things in perspective. 

Waiting at the bus stop might be an inconvenience but that doesn't mean my life is no longer abundant. It's a pothole in the road, and I  need to walk around it and get on with the journey.

I have to be honest. For me these lessons took a very long time and it's only with hindsight that I can see the value of those earlier life experiences.

So now, when I'm faced with a car that doesn't work and a partner whose job is far from home, I know that tears and self-deprecation are not effective coping strategies. The fact is life is really OK. I'm now extremely grateful that my life experiences have included inconveniences and experiences of hardship. I'm grateful that I faced them- even if begrudgingly- knowing that today I am better equipped than ever to navigate  those potholes in the road.

walking home

Happy SAD Thoughts

Having SAd is something that is always with me. More often than not I forget I have it. However, I cannot forget forever. SAd has a way of knocking on my door and reminding me that it has a fixed place in my life. At times like that I realise  I need to work at keeping myself grounded and in the position where I can mange my SAd easily.

There are many things I do that help me stay centred. Getting enough sleep is a high priority. Exercise has helped me use my energy in a productive way and leaves me feeling good. I try to work out three times a week but most times it's once or twice. I have hobbies that nourish me, such as gardening and I recognise other practices which give me a boost. Having a chai latte is simple enough. It warms me inside and provides an excuse to relax and enjoy a few moments of solitude. 

One of the key ways that keeps my thoughts grounded is by reading and watching out for inspiration from other people and sources. Getting a regular fix of both positive and challenging ideas makes it easier for me to think positively and challenge the negative thoughts. I often look out on pinterest for meaningful quotes and I always welcome finding reports in the newspaper that shine a light on social anxiety.

This week I came across this clip via Life behind the purple door . Dayarne at Simple joys and silver linings  shares her experience of anxiety. She's made a video in which she speaks frankly and simply about what anxiety has been like for her. I think it helps immensely to know others out there have gone through what I have and to know I am not alone in this. It is also great to have role models and to see how others forge on - with their anxiety- and move forward with their life. 

I firmly believe the more we talk about social anxiety the easier it will be for those who have it but are not aware of it to find ways to manage it. It would have been so good, when I was young and struggling, to have had some strategies to turn to, or some role models to look up to and I'm talking about helping me just to get through the day.
If you would like to see more words of inspiration, have a look at my pinterest board of Happy SAd Thoughts.

This week I'd like to leave you with some words of inspiration.
As you can see I'm an amateur when it comes to presenting quotes myself.... 
Have a lovely Sunday.

Simple Living: Simple achievements

This year I've been living very simply, but in a different way.  I've had a run of ailments which means there have been days where I have been able to manage nothing more than staring at the TV screen. I had intended cutting down my screen time this year but in the last few weeks I've watched more than ever. 
I woke up yesterday with a very sore throat. Added to that my car has cut out completely three times in the last two days so I don't want to drive it until it gets fixed.  Because I had started getting better, Mr S and I had been looking forward to going out for a drive this weekend. Alas, it's the very, very simple life for us this weekend. Again. It looks like it will be a little longer before I can get back into my regular life.

Somehow, through all these pot-holes in the road of life, I have managed to get back to work and do  "light" things around the house. I noticed that many bloggers record their simple living achievements which appeals to the part of me that likes to make lists and tick things off. So this week I thought I'd list the very simple ways in which I have been "living simply".

• I am slowly decluttering by unsubscribing to websites I no longer use or no longer need. It feels good to be making a difference even if it is only a baby step. It's still a step forward in the right direction.

Providing nourishment but possible not a contender for the Royal Show.

Zucchini fritters.

No, I didn't eat these grapes. A two-legged creature worked its way through the netting.

• Picking vegetables from the garden and cooking with them. I'm learning! There's so much I don't know about gardening and I'm not sure that we've saved too much money but I think there will come a time in the future when this biding time  will pave the way for a flourishing and productive vegetable garden.
• I'm remembering to turn off switches. My "frugal" motto is Every little bit counts. Being frugal is a habit I want to cultivate rather than a major goal I want to throw all my energy into.
• My phone reminded me I need to check two bills and accounts this week to make sure they are paid on time. So I paid them.
• I've started tinkering with the making of  fairy garden after getting distracted from this goal last year. I've kept it simple by just using what's lying around the garden. It's a work in progress.

• I'm getting back into a routine: mid-week laundry and household "admin"  on a Friday night. "Admin" includes planning for work and home. I'm not an organiser by nature so planning helps me keep on track. Having goals and planning has helped me prioritise in the last few weeks when I have not been able to get things done so easily.
• When it was hot this week we kept the house closed  and didn't use the cooling. 
• And this one: Saving money by not going out and making do with what is in the house (trying to look at a challenge in a positive way :) ).

I wrote earlier this year about life delivering me a message:  embrace what is, as is, now!! I've got to admit it feels totally weird to be doing nothing, just sitting around, but my body seems to need it right now. I know I need to trust that all will be well. Besides, I am fortunate. I have much to be grateful for. I'm very grateful that in this hot, hot weather it is OK for me to sit around doing nothing. When I remind myself that getting sick like this has happened before, I know that it won't be long before life resumes its normal pace. I can't help thinking that life really is marvellous but it sure does have its share of potholes and the challenge is to embrace those potholes as much as the highs!

Living in the shadows: A quick message of encouragement.

One of my main reasons for blogging is to create a gentle awareness of social anxiety and  to encourage people to do something about it. A few days ago I came across some long-ago memories of my walk with social anxiety when I was cleaning out the shed.

Thoughts I had on social anxiety aged 31. Not knowing that "the shadows" had a name.

               Why do I feel as if I am standing in the shadows?
               I want to step out
               But there is no place for me

               In the shadows 
               I busy myself
              Caught up happily in life's demands
              Until again 
              The beauty of light flickers my way
              And I stop and look

              There is beauty in the shadows
              But the light is where life blooms.

That day in the shed I spent a long time flicking through pages and pages of those old diaries and letters. The letters brought back the most wonderful memories of  my first year backpacking alone and my later years working abroad.  However, the diaries were  a little more revealing. They showed, in detail, the struggle that was a part of my everyday life.

When I returned from working overseas my friends, who were by that time long-married, were having their first and second children.  I found it hard to reconnect with them. I was struggling to go out on weekends. I was struggling to find someone to share a coffee with. I wanted to go for walks but I was too embarrassed, too shy, too uncomfortable. I wanted to meet people but I found it so hard. I felt terribly lonely and my diaries show the first signs of cynicism entering my life during that time.

I don't feel that I am living in the shadows anymore. Sure, life is sometimes lonely and challenging. I see that now as a normal part of being human. I believe social anxiety will always be a part of my life but I try not to let it define me.  Nowadays, I have clocked up hundreds of walks by myself and this year I started to run by myself. (Needless to say, this did not happen overnight.)

But the change from struggling with life to engaging with life only came about when I started to go to counselling with a professional.

If you're familiar with this hidden struggle, I'd like to offer you a message of encouragement. Perhaps you would like to learn  how to step out from the shadows. I hope you get an opportunity in 2015 to  see a counsellor or psychologist, if you haven't already, so that you can begin the journey to a more light-filled  life.

Life doesn't always have to be about living in the shadows. 

DISCLAIMER:
I write this blog from a personal perspective.
I am not an expert nor a professional regarding the subject of social anxiety.
When I offer a definition of what social anxiety is, it may not be what the experts say it is. It is simply my interpretation of my experience of it.