Navigating another pothole in the road

   Here I am, having not blogged for a while. I've been taking time off to deal with a medical issue that appeared out of nowhere. I'm still taking things easy as I recover. 
   When I was little I used to be scared of doctors and a myriad of other things. Throughout this very recent experience, I was surprised to see some of my childhood anxieties return. It was a very weird, dejavu-type feeling as I headed off to hospital last week. I felt like a four year old all over again.

   I was very fortunate to have family providing loads of support and I'm very grateful for friends who dropped in with flowers and homemade goodies. When family and friends have been sick I've usually been too busy to help out!! 
   Now there's some food for thought...

   My prognosis is very good. I know many people go to the doctor's and end up having to deal with much more than what I have come away with. 
   In the lead-up to the operation I found myself drawing on my anxiety-coping skills. It was good to know that having to learn those skills years ago has given me strength in other areas of my life many years later.    As I waited for test results I remembered to keep it very real. I kept in mind that this experience is part of the natural flow of life: ups and downs, challenges, joys, opportunities to learn and grow. I stayed focussed (OK, maybe not always) and I have learnt enough to know that I matter and it was OK for me to take time off from work (I have plenty of leave, so that was not a concern) and not feel guilty.  
   I guess you could say that I recognised it for what it was. Another pothole in the road of life.
   As I mentioned earlier there were times when anxiety did creep in. The little child in me lives again. As well, the post-operation time has been more difficult than expected. My arm has been sore and I've found everyday things challenging. Things like brushing my hair, picking things up off the floor, writing, having a shower and so on. I've been anxious about some of these smaller things more than the bigger issues.  

   On the bright side I am on the mend. I feel happy as some of the regular rhythms of life make a cautious return. Yesterday I made some sweet buns using a very simple recipe. It's been terribly dull here with winter rains and cold weather so it was a pleasant surprise to see pops of colour in the garden. I couldn't resist bringing some of that colour indoors when the sun came out yesterday afternoon. Last week I scheduled an afternoon to do a blog post. Just over a week later it's happening. 

As a friend explained the other night, you have to take care of your body and make sure it's OK. No matter how much I want to blog or organise the front room of our house, I'm learning that it can only happen if my body is ready. I think I'm still trying to accommodate this idea. How many wellbeing gurus cry out that power is all in the mind? I remember one yoga teacher once told our students that the mind is your strongest muscle.   I  thought that was rather profound and I wanted to display it in the classroom.

But over the last two weeks my body just wanted to sleep and rest...

Though I do believe that difficult times reap incredible growth and richness...

It's rather like going on a holiday to a first time destination .... great anticipation of the unknown... minus the sunglasses and photo snaps...And they speak a different language...

Mr S had a workmate over for lunch today. He got up early and cooked a small feast. I could hear him singing and joking around as he prepared curry pies, steamed buns, taro and corned beef. It was very plain to see - and hear- that he was in his element. He doesn't cook as often now because his nails are so bad and he's usually too tired from work. I think the last few weeks have been confusing for him as he grew up in a community where people did not articulate their health needs and concerns. Indeed, people in his community employ different but very natural-based methods and knowledge  when it comes to wellbeing. And as when one learns any new language (cf the language of hospitals and health practitioners and western science), it takes time to learn and accommodate new concepts and terminology.

It was very heartening to hear his joviality and see his brilliant smile filling the house all of this morning.

And to see that life goes on and good things continue to happen, no matter what!

Missed opportunities

       

The other day I had a delightful conversation with a young colleague. She told me that she studied Vietnamese at university and has spent a lot of time over in Vietnam, working on her language skills. She speaks very well and has a good command of the tones which are very challenging for most western tongues.
I sat there admiring her and a little envious. In that moment I wished I had had the same opportunity in my life. Perhaps if I had learnt Vietnamese when I was younger I might have mastered those tones and remembered more than what I did learning it in my later years.
Some people get amazing opportunities, I thought. Imagine if such an opportunity had come my way!

I'm not fluent in any language though I've dabbled in a few. It has to be said that one of my greatest dreams would be to speak fluently in another language.
Shortly after that conversation with my colleague, my mind started ticking over. You see, I spent over four years, off and on, learning Vietnamese and tackling those tones. Some days it was hard enough remembering the words, let alone their tones as well. I stumbled my way through that experience and now I am left with a smattering of useful expressions such as "Go away", "Can you tell me how much it is to ....?" and, of course, "Oh, my goodness!"

And then it hit me. 

I did have my opportunity. 

I had four wonderful, exciting and difficult months in Italy when I was younger. I was a nanny. I stayed with a family who expected me to work hard but who were also very good, hardworking people. When I arrived there my conversational skills were rather slow and stilted. I could barely converse. By the time I left, I had learnt to speak conversational Italian with ease.
However, at that time, I had social anxiety and didn't know about it. I would cry each day as I handwashed the baby's clothes. I felt both elated at what I was experiencing and claustrophobic at the same time. I would dream about being back home waiting for my dad to walk up the drive, as he got home from work. There I was on the holiday of a lifetime. Days off were spent alone. I was missing time on my own, away from the ever present grandmother, so I could refuel. I didn't know how to negotiate. I didn't know how to draw on my inner resources. I didn't know how to make the most of each moment, each day, each precious opportunity as I desperately tried to live out my dream of being in Italy and immersed in the language.
So I kept crying each day as I washed the baby's clothes. And finally decided to leave the position. Prematurely. My dream job.
I tell this story to help people understand what happens with social anxiety. On the surface, a little shyness seems trivial. Nothing to worry about. And yet,  it affects people. It gets in the way of them reaching their true potential. It stops people fulfilling their dreams. It constantly leaves people with a sense of failure and inadequacy that hangs on much longer than necessary (OK....because we let it...).
And so that delightful conversation with my ccolleague  reminded me of the fragility social anxiety brings to people's lives. One of the hardest things I found living with SA was not being able to rely on myself. When confident and assured I could do great things. When anxious I would fumble and flounder and flee.
One of the reasons I  do this blog is to make people aware of social anxiety. I've been fortunate in my life that I can learn from my mistakes and I've been fortunate to have had counselling which has helped me cope better with daily life. It is my hope that by sharing some of my stories some readers might recognise social anxiety in someone they know. Knowing means you can do something about it (ultimately it's the person with social anxiety who has to make the change).

The pot-holed road is not as bumpy as it once was but, looking back,  it sure would have been easier to have had the option of travelling a smoother road and reaching a sunny destination, rather than having to cut the trip short each time!

Central Vietnam

Social Anxiety and Me This Week

Every day social anxiety is a part of my life. These days I'm fortunate enough that it does not overwhelm me. Well, not usually. More often than not I don't even notice its presence. I like to think it does not control me but as you'll see in the following example, that's not always the case. 

I didn't do menu planning this week so I went to the supermarket three times in a few days. I happened to see my neighbour who works on the cash registers.  I worried he might think I was weird for coming in more than once in a few days. Then I recalled that recently when I went to his cash register I had blushed, probably because I was in a hurry that day and feeling guilty for not being more organised.
Now, I really enjoy having the chance to chat with him as he is just about the only local person I know in this area who I do get to talk to. We do say hello to other neighbours but it's never more than passing small talk.

Yesterday, while having a typical SA moment of indecision as to whether I should go to his cash register or not, I plucked up the courage and focussed on being  in the "here and now".
I went to his cash register. Everything was OK.  We had a quick chat and I noted for a microsecond that I wasn't blushing and felt rather happy about that. The shopping was done and  I went on my way. 

The "here and now" strategy worked really well. "Here and now" was the mantra I learnt to use years ago when social anxiety was getting in the way of me being able to communicate with some of my colleagues. It was like a quick prompt when my mind was going off track.

As you can see in the example above, my mind can get distracted by a hundred trivial thoughts while I'm in the middle of even the simplest of interactions. 

In order to be focussed on the person I was talking to, I used to say to myself  "Right here and now" as a reminder to stop thinking about  what might have happened the week before or the year before and to stop worrying about what the other person might be thinking. Saying "here and now" signalled that I needed to get back on track i.e. get on with the very reason why I had come to see that person, right there and then. 

It's not something I mastered overnight but after practising for a couple of years, it got a lot easier.
It really helped on Tuesday when I wanted to be able to talk at that very moment and I didn't want social anxiety to stop me from having a friendly chat. 

Shift the focus

There's a lot I haven't done this week. I would love to wax lyrical about it all but, tempting as it is, I have decided to focus on what I did do this week.

I know that as someone with social anxiety I seem to have a natural bias towards the negative side of life experiences. My tendency is to worry, worry, worry and worry some more.
      "How was your party?"
      "It was good...the cake didn't turn out...I didn't get time to make the fabulous meat pie ....         I wanted to decorate the room a little but I was too busy...."
This would be my typical response to something which might actually have been enjoyed by all without any criticism. 

So here we go with a rundown of what I've done this week.  

I managed to have breakfast every morning before I left for work.
I managed to get to bed early one night.
I got the dishes done last night. I was about to walk away from the last few but, after thinking about it, determined it would pay to get them finished there and then.
I finished my reports.
I relished getting out in the garden last weekend, so much so that I'm going to try and include gardening time in this weekend.
I visited my mum.
I did yoga and it felt great. 
I  consulted my weekly planner several times and today I set up my work notebook so I get my to do list up and running again.
I bought myself new jeans and wore them this week.  
I started reading books again. Not electronic ones. Real paper ones. It was a totally delightful experience, and one I plan to continue.
I remembered to wear my glasses when watching TV. Much more enjoyable that way.

Sits above the sink while I do the dishes.

I found a beautiful use for something I was going to throw out...and what a superb-never to be beaten- incentive for getting those dished done!

It's too easy for me to slip into negative mode when life gets busy and stressful. It's important that I keep practising those habits that keep my SA in check. Just taking a few minutes to list "good things for this week" is enough to help me shift gear from negative to positive. Just a few minutes is enough to shift my focus. I feel better for it and the realisation makes me want to keep moving in the positive direction.  

Negativity is offputting to others and a drain on my own energy. Thinking about what works, what helps, what is good, is more lifegiving.  I just need to remember to stop and reflect from time to time so that I can keep track of how I'm going and to know when it's time to shift the focus and change gears again!

Navigating potholes in the road of life.

It seems that the last couple of months have been one pothole in the road after another.

Tonight a mechanic told me that my car is in no condition to be driven. Not even to the garage to be fixed.  Last week I took Mr S up to his new job in the country and the realisation hit that he needs a car to manage that job. Up until now he was happy taking public transport. All of a sudden a new car is on the must-do list and that certainly wasn't part of the plan for 2015.

Yet, we're both OK and as frazzled as I've been, at times, we're managing fine, which got me to thinking: "Why?"  Years ago, I would have cried, felt burdened and  been down on myself.

When I look back I can see that many of the challenges I encountered through the years have actually made it easier for me to deal with what I face now in my life.

I remember backpacking many years ago. I was terrified before I set off. At that time, my friends were married and settled while I was still navigating the hassle of life. However I so wanted to go travelling, nothing would stop me. I remember challenging myself to go into Target alone and not walk out straight away. I figured if I were going to travel the world I might need to practise walking around new places by myself.  That's right. As a young woman in my twenties, it was quite a challenge to go into a small, quiet department store and actually wander around.

So that particular day I did it, excruciating as it was. 

I ended up travelling the world for 11 months on my own.

That was the year I learned that dreams can come true. I came to realise that if you really want something you can find a way to do it. What I also know is that life may not be easy... but amazing things  can still happen one way or another. It helps to remember this when the going gets tough.

at the bus-stop

A few years ago I noticed I was getting really impatient, stressed and upset waiting in traffic. I eventually decided that I needed to tackle the problem instead of getting frustrated and upset. 

So these last few weeks, as I waited for buses that didn't come, I was  reminded that getting upset and stressing hurts no one but me.  I've learned that no amount of cursing will make that bus come any faster, nor will my anger allow me to find a better way of dealing with the situation.

I watched my dad die slowly. I've seen friends deal with infertility. I have students who don't have a parent. Over time, all of these personal encounters  have taught me how to keep things in perspective. 

Waiting at the bus stop might be an inconvenience but that doesn't mean my life is no longer abundant. It's a pothole in the road, and I  need to walk around it and get on with the journey.

I have to be honest. For me these lessons took a very long time and it's only with hindsight that I can see the value of those earlier life experiences.

So now, when I'm faced with a car that doesn't work and a partner whose job is far from home, I know that tears and self-deprecation are not effective coping strategies. The fact is life is really OK. I'm now extremely grateful that my life experiences have included inconveniences and experiences of hardship. I'm grateful that I faced them- even if begrudgingly- knowing that today I am better equipped than ever to navigate  those potholes in the road.

walking home

Social Anxiety: A positive perspective

 

I think having SAD can sometimes be seen as a negative. However, I have to say that I like the quiet, more reserved members of our species. Just as we need outgoing, talkative people in this world, I find people who are reserved and less forthcoming have an air of mystery about them. I have not met anyone who has SA but I know a number of people who are worriers and who find being around people can make them highly anxious.  I find they have struggled during their lives and yet they forge on. It seems to me that people who have SA possess an inner fortitude.

SA seems to go hand in hand with struggle, stress and sensitivity but that doesn’t mean it comes without its good points. When I recognise someone who might have SA, I welcome the sensitivity they often bear. I know that person has any number of talents which will only be revealed when the time and space is right.  To me that is a good thing.  I don't want friendship that comes in a blaze of lights and fizzes away to nothing just as quickly as it came.

 

SA is difficult but like everything it has plenty of good things about it. Like the turtle and the hare, getting to know someone with SA is like the turtle: slow but steady!!

 

Embrace Social Anxiety today.

Happy SAD Tips

Tip: Employ a life coach for free!

The journey along the pot-holed road to happiness can be harrowing at times. I remember years ago, as a young teacher, trying to summon up courage and energy each day to face my eager students and the intimidating,  ever-confident, (so I believed) faces of  colleagues and parents. I was exhausted during those years and, of course, I didn't know why.

One day I came home feeling terribly uncomfortable. I had said something I regretted to a student. I was mortified and riddled with angst. What would the parents say? How would I face the principal over this? They'll tell other parents....    And that night the same thoughts went round and round and round in my head.

I can't remember how it came about but amidst that stress I realised something. My sister is cool, calm and collected. She is super organised and she knows what she is doing. She's the complete opposite of me. It struck me that  she would not be sitting at home worrying like me. Also a teacher, she would just move on after a difficult exchange. I could picture her and how she would react. I also knew she would tire quickly of my unrelenting thoughts which is why I never shared with her!

Somehow I began to see that I could "use" my sister as an instant gauge for indicating when I was overdoing the worrying. I could imagine what she would say and what she would do. She never knew it but there were many days when I would consider her when I needed a perspective different from my own.

Perhaps, like me, you can't employ a life coach to help keep your life on track. You might live by yourself and find it hard to ask others for advice.  So consider a person you respect and know well; someone who makes decisions easily. Use them as a gauge to help you get perspective. Ask yourself: How would  they react if they were in my situation?  


FYI : The next day at work no student, teacher or parent said anything about what I had said. Ever!

What are we really saying no to ?

A colleague shared his dream with me the other day. He would do this dream in a few years when he had time and was free from his current stresses. He couldn’t tell people about his dream for fear they would belittle him.

I don’t know how many years of my life have passed by with me keeping everything and anything hush-hush. I once told a man on a date that I liked Abba music. He turned his nose up. Mental note to self: Don’t mention that to people. What a fool I am to throw that into the conversation!

In fear of what others would think, there was so much I wouldn’t do, so much I wouldn’t say. It meant that by protecting myself I was keeping myself neutralised, moderated.  Not genuine. In fact, not me.

In revealing his dream to me, this is what I discovered about my colleague:

·         He was a man with passion. He had dreams.

·         He had a richness to him that I had never really seen. At work, and even when we went out for coffee, it was work obligations, work obligations, housework obligations.

·         He inspired me. I had been dreaming about blogging the very day he shared his dream with me. The excitement of that conversation spurred me on to pursue my own dream.

Think about this. Imagine what might happen if you dared to mention your dream, in simple terms, to someone else.

·         It might cheer you up talking about something you like.

·         You could have fun pursuing your dream. You might enjoy planning and executing your dream.

·         You might be affirmed by some of the people you share with. Someone might ask questions when they catch up with you.  How’s the painting going?

·         You could meet another person who shares a similar interest.

·         The joy you get from following this dream could alleviate some of the other stresses in your life.

·         Someone might scoff at your idea. Someone might laugh at you.

 

In fairness to him and others there are, of course, many reasons why we don’t reveal our true selves to others. However, by not revealing a little of our true selves what are we really saying no to? Are we simply saying no to fear of someone’s scorn or are we saying no to a chance to grow and enjoy this life we’ve been made for?

 

2011 and 2012: Moving past the obstacles.

Holidays!
After months of work and stress and worry, I can actually sit here, on this delightfully sunny day, look at the blog title and think: The pot holes don't worry me! Yet only a few days ago I felt I had been stepping in the pot-holes and getting caught. Certainly, for me, time and space enable me to centre and ground myself. And with the sun shining, hibiscus blooming and fingers on the keyboard, I can only feel positive about the lazy days ahead of me.

Since I broke up from work I've been trying to recover a more positive sense of who I am and where I'm at (keeping in mind the reality of  some of life's experiences that tend to draw me away from all of that).

OK. Step one: Focus on the positive. Even when the days are gloomy and hard work, there are things to be grateful for. This doesn't mean you have to ignore the difficulties. It means that you have to be careful that the negative is not the only side you look for. The postive is there if you care to look.

Now: Step two. Hmmmm.
Well, for me it's journalling but others may have another way of ensuring that you keep life in perspective, that your worries don't dominate your life and you remain aware of where you're at.
Interestingly I've found parts of this year were challenging and left me feeling rather flat about life. But during these months I was not journalling, I was not practising gratitude and I was not indulging in those activities that make me feel good about myself. 
Years ago, before I went to counselling and learnt about SAD, the one thing that really helped me clear my head of excess negativity was the journalling. I got the idea for spilling it all out from The Vein of Gold by Julia Cameron (She refers to Morning Pages rather than journalling). I find that when I journal I get my feelings out and I'm able to discern my mood. Almost naturally, I find myself wanting to end the journalling with a positive outlook. I tend to challenge myself to make the best of what I have in that moment. The journalling helps bring me back to the present and allows me to see whether my jottings are too negative or not.
The great thing about the journalling is that you can write anything. I am so honest when I journal. It's surprising how therapeutic it can be without even trying.

Summer is here.
Barwon Heads, Victoria