Social Anxiety and Me This Week

Every day social anxiety is a part of my life. These days I'm fortunate enough that it does not overwhelm me. Well, not usually. More often than not I don't even notice its presence. I like to think it does not control me but as you'll see in the following example, that's not always the case. 

I didn't do menu planning this week so I went to the supermarket three times in a few days. I happened to see my neighbour who works on the cash registers.  I worried he might think I was weird for coming in more than once in a few days. Then I recalled that recently when I went to his cash register I had blushed, probably because I was in a hurry that day and feeling guilty for not being more organised.
Now, I really enjoy having the chance to chat with him as he is just about the only local person I know in this area who I do get to talk to. We do say hello to other neighbours but it's never more than passing small talk.

Yesterday, while having a typical SA moment of indecision as to whether I should go to his cash register or not, I plucked up the courage and focussed on being  in the "here and now".
I went to his cash register. Everything was OK.  We had a quick chat and I noted for a microsecond that I wasn't blushing and felt rather happy about that. The shopping was done and  I went on my way. 

The "here and now" strategy worked really well. "Here and now" was the mantra I learnt to use years ago when social anxiety was getting in the way of me being able to communicate with some of my colleagues. It was like a quick prompt when my mind was going off track.

As you can see in the example above, my mind can get distracted by a hundred trivial thoughts while I'm in the middle of even the simplest of interactions. 

In order to be focussed on the person I was talking to, I used to say to myself  "Right here and now" as a reminder to stop thinking about  what might have happened the week before or the year before and to stop worrying about what the other person might be thinking. Saying "here and now" signalled that I needed to get back on track i.e. get on with the very reason why I had come to see that person, right there and then. 

It's not something I mastered overnight but after practising for a couple of years, it got a lot easier.
It really helped on Tuesday when I wanted to be able to talk at that very moment and I didn't want social anxiety to stop me from having a friendly chat. 

Navigating potholes in the road of life.

It seems that the last couple of months have been one pothole in the road after another.

Tonight a mechanic told me that my car is in no condition to be driven. Not even to the garage to be fixed.  Last week I took Mr S up to his new job in the country and the realisation hit that he needs a car to manage that job. Up until now he was happy taking public transport. All of a sudden a new car is on the must-do list and that certainly wasn't part of the plan for 2015.

Yet, we're both OK and as frazzled as I've been, at times, we're managing fine, which got me to thinking: "Why?"  Years ago, I would have cried, felt burdened and  been down on myself.

When I look back I can see that many of the challenges I encountered through the years have actually made it easier for me to deal with what I face now in my life.

I remember backpacking many years ago. I was terrified before I set off. At that time, my friends were married and settled while I was still navigating the hassle of life. However I so wanted to go travelling, nothing would stop me. I remember challenging myself to go into Target alone and not walk out straight away. I figured if I were going to travel the world I might need to practise walking around new places by myself.  That's right. As a young woman in my twenties, it was quite a challenge to go into a small, quiet department store and actually wander around.

So that particular day I did it, excruciating as it was. 

I ended up travelling the world for 11 months on my own.

That was the year I learned that dreams can come true. I came to realise that if you really want something you can find a way to do it. What I also know is that life may not be easy... but amazing things  can still happen one way or another. It helps to remember this when the going gets tough.

at the bus-stop

A few years ago I noticed I was getting really impatient, stressed and upset waiting in traffic. I eventually decided that I needed to tackle the problem instead of getting frustrated and upset. 

So these last few weeks, as I waited for buses that didn't come, I was  reminded that getting upset and stressing hurts no one but me.  I've learned that no amount of cursing will make that bus come any faster, nor will my anger allow me to find a better way of dealing with the situation.

I watched my dad die slowly. I've seen friends deal with infertility. I have students who don't have a parent. Over time, all of these personal encounters  have taught me how to keep things in perspective. 

Waiting at the bus stop might be an inconvenience but that doesn't mean my life is no longer abundant. It's a pothole in the road, and I  need to walk around it and get on with the journey.

I have to be honest. For me these lessons took a very long time and it's only with hindsight that I can see the value of those earlier life experiences.

So now, when I'm faced with a car that doesn't work and a partner whose job is far from home, I know that tears and self-deprecation are not effective coping strategies. The fact is life is really OK. I'm now extremely grateful that my life experiences have included inconveniences and experiences of hardship. I'm grateful that I faced them- even if begrudgingly- knowing that today I am better equipped than ever to navigate  those potholes in the road.

walking home

Happy SAD Tips

Tip: Employ a life coach for free!

The journey along the pot-holed road to happiness can be harrowing at times. I remember years ago, as a young teacher, trying to summon up courage and energy each day to face my eager students and the intimidating,  ever-confident, (so I believed) faces of  colleagues and parents. I was exhausted during those years and, of course, I didn't know why.

One day I came home feeling terribly uncomfortable. I had said something I regretted to a student. I was mortified and riddled with angst. What would the parents say? How would I face the principal over this? They'll tell other parents....    And that night the same thoughts went round and round and round in my head.

I can't remember how it came about but amidst that stress I realised something. My sister is cool, calm and collected. She is super organised and she knows what she is doing. She's the complete opposite of me. It struck me that  she would not be sitting at home worrying like me. Also a teacher, she would just move on after a difficult exchange. I could picture her and how she would react. I also knew she would tire quickly of my unrelenting thoughts which is why I never shared with her!

Somehow I began to see that I could "use" my sister as an instant gauge for indicating when I was overdoing the worrying. I could imagine what she would say and what she would do. She never knew it but there were many days when I would consider her when I needed a perspective different from my own.

Perhaps, like me, you can't employ a life coach to help keep your life on track. You might live by yourself and find it hard to ask others for advice.  So consider a person you respect and know well; someone who makes decisions easily. Use them as a gauge to help you get perspective. Ask yourself: How would  they react if they were in my situation?  


FYI : The next day at work no student, teacher or parent said anything about what I had said. Ever!

Admire...Don't compare

Last year  I started displaying key words on my desk calendar to remind me what my focus was for the month, particularly in relation to my SAd goals.

Something I really wanted to work on back then was my need to compare myself to the world.

        Well, everyone else is married and happy. I should be. No one  wants to marry me.

        Mary over there dresses so nicely. I don't look as good as that. Down the ranks I go!

And  on and on and on.

Stop comparing was what I needed to do.

March arrived and I knew it was  time to focus on that very idea. At that same time I came across a wonderful message at Bodyheart , featured by The Wellness Warrior. At first, I wondered what the presenter was talking about. By the end I realised the message was just what I needed to hear.  And it was very simple.

Whenever I find my inner chatterbox going into COMPARE mode that's my signal to change over to ADMIRE mode. So I tried changing gears every time I realised I was comparing myself with others. ADMIRE mode certainly felt better  than the drained feeling I had after some of my inner chatterbox comparison rants.  That one positive word was a simple solution for what was really a lot of unhelpful negativity. 

Guess what my key word ended up being for  that month!   Yep! ADMIRE.  During this past week I caught myself falling into COMPARE mode and feeling negative about myself and others as a result. Once I realised what I was doing, the word  COMPARE triggered the solution ADMIRE and I was able to quickly and effectively rectify my attitude. Have a look:


 COMPARE MODE            Look at Jenny. Her outfit is so trendy. I bet everyone looks at her. I don't look like that.  Why don't I look like that? Noone looks at me

                      >>>>>> CHANGE>>>>

  ADMIRE MODE             Wow! Jenny looks great in that outfit. Those jeans really suit her.


(I went looking for the video again but haven't been able to locate it. It was such a powerful message for me at the time I am able to recall the website.)

A Paler Shade of Green

One simple thing I do to support my environment is to use green bags. I love this gesture as it's easy, demonstrative, achievable.....

Yet, in the last few weeks my effort has been rather poor! On holidays overseas I felt it was not always appropriate to be rejecting someone's attempt to provide quality service. I know that as westerners we may think it necessary to impose our values on others in the name of the environment but I like to tread lightly and respectfully  when I am on someone else's land. While we cry out that it's a waste the poor shop assistant may feel that they have not fulfilled their responsibility in providing the bag.

The last couple of weeks I have been busy adjusting to having a young person in my home. As I've said before, it's very exciting and a welcome challenge. Anyway, I've found that I no longer have that quiet, exclusive space when I shop. So I've accepted bags, time after time, before realising what's happening. I tell myself later that I will not do it the next time. But it keeps happening!!

Do you find that as a SAD person even with the best of intentions it's hard to do what you really want to do as your mind turns over so many things?

So let me go now and put the green shopping bags in the car. Then I won't have to put off my shopping as I did today, because I had no green bags and I was determined not to use another plastic bag!!

David Brown's House
former hill station
at the top of Penang Hill
Malaysia

Have a good week!

A few quick jottings.

I've been away on holidays and I have a young person staying with me so I haven't had as much time online lately. I miss my computer indulgence but it's been interesting to see that there is life outside of cyberland.

The travelling was great. I love discovering another corner of this wondrous world.  It gives me great pleasure to know humanity in its many forms and guises and to see more and more how beautiful our earth is.

I think having a young person in the house enables me to experience a different reality. I get to find out who really is hot at the moment (Justin Beiber, in case you didn't know) and what kind of shoes are fashionable.  But more than those things, I get to eat good food because I've got a reason to make the extra effort. And I get to do things with someone. It's a luxury to have someone to make dinner with and to have someone who helps around the house. It's a nice change to not have to think about myself ad nauseum. And aside from all that it's been lovely getting to know another person.

On a SAD note, I haven't had much time to sit around and dwell on my self-centred thoughts. My inner chatterbox has taken delight in being more in the moment,  whether it's tasting Thai food or listening attentively as someone talks about their hopes for graduation.

It makes me wonder what more could I be doing in my life each day if I didn't take so much time to reflect on the day's happenings, on my misgivings, on my day dreaming on how life could really be. 

It's been really nice to eat well so regularly and to enjoy looking after the space I live in. Don't get me wrong! I do eat good food and I do look after my home at other times.  But somehow I'm doing a much better job at the moment.    Why,  I came home this evening from yoga and cleaned the bathroom. Unbelievable! (And it's a weeknight!)