Beneath the surface

One of the surprises blogging has brought me is the realisation that good things happen when not expected. Over the last few months of ill health I've been taking it easy, doing only what needed to be done. For a time when I sometimes did nothing more than watch TV, it is surprising how life rolls forward, more productive than ever. 

I think I knew that rich growth comes out of crisis but I don't think I appreciated how much life keeps giving us even during humdrum periods of nothingness.

A little like Spring.  After weeks of dreariness, unpleasant coldness and wintry neglect, Spring sees the most beautiful specimens appear out of nowhere. Colour, scent and beauty rise triumphant. 

Winter: seemingly dormant and yet significant work is happening beneath the surface. We just can't see it. We have to trust it is happening, if we recognise it at all.

I usually have a list of goals, or at the very least, a to-do list. But I didn't while I was sick, except for a few jottings here and there.  And surprisingly, I've managed to tick off a goal or two from my list.

I have managed to:

• stop taking sugar in my tea (a step towards healthier eating)
• start making 'rock cakes' ( eating healthier foods by cooking from scratch, less sugar than recipes for biscuits etc)
• cut back on time on the internet (certainly not always, but trying to be more intentional about using it of an evening)
• persevere with letting the colour grow out of my hair, though it looks like it'll take forever   (living greener and simpler)
• buy a couple of hats!  I only buy hats for the sun. I don't buy hats 'for fashion' but this time I was glad to have an excuse. I desperately needed something to hide the contrasting hair colours which, to be honest, is not so easy on the eye! I think the socially anxious me wanted to wear hats but was always too reluctant to take the plunge. 

So there you have it. Things that didn't happen when I was 'fighting fit' and life was 'normal'. Theses are  the obvious things. What's exciting is that a lot more has probably happened beneath the surface. It's just that I don't realise it!

A Winter Walk

   

 When things are not quite right one of the surest things to help get me back on track is sunshine! After many, many days of rain and miserably cold temperatures some beautiful sun came our way. So I got outside and I walked. Along with sunshine, walking is the other thing that does wonders for my morale. Needless to say I enjoyed my winter walk immensely. 

     Life here is slowly returning to normal after my unexpected visit to hospital a month ago which was followed by a short time at home recovering. I can't deny that the experience threw me much more than I would ever have anticipated. I believed that I had a very good handle on life, with all its ups and downs, but this episode certainly tripped me up. 

     Getting out this week and going for a walk and feeling the sun on my face was so key to helping me get back on track when life has been feeling as if it's getting out of whack. Taking time to reflect, create and garden are other activities which nourish my soul. My arm's still not strong enough for heavy gardening but I do hope to get in some more reflection time and creativity in the next few days.
     The other aspect which frustrated challenged me was that at times it was simply a matter of resting. No reflecting, no walking, no working, just resting. Which was all very weird when work sat untouched in my bag, my laptop lay idle and the carpet cried out for a clean. 
     In the meantime I have discovered that exercises do work and do make a whole lot of difference.
     Patience, my friend.
     So today I am very grateful for cheery, winter walks in the warm sunshine and I'm grateful for the unexpected beauty that appears here and there along the path. 

     And I'm grateful for the feeling of getting back on my feet. 

A reflection on reflection in my life

This year my word for 2016 is not a word as such, but rather, a practice. This year I really hope to make it a priority to reflect on a regular basis. To bring this about, I did a brainstorm about how, where and when I might do that. Very quickly I came up with a few ideas that were simple enough and therefore achievable.

What?

·         Practise gratitude

·         Take time to sit and think

·         Evaluate goals

·         Seek out inspiration

Where?

·         Anywhere free from distraction

·         Seat next to window…whenever I sit there I take to daydreaming

·         Seat on the front verandah…nice, cool spot at the end of a hot day

When?

·         The hardest question!

·         Friday evenings – schedule time once a month to evaluate goals

·         At the end of the day, taking a rest outside in the cool of the evening (will work for summer)

How?  Now

Find 5 things to be grateful for each day.

At the end of the day I sit outside in the quiet of the evening and try to recall 5 things for which I am grateful. I find that by the time I get to number five many other things have come to mind. I also find that if I take my time I  feel rested and appreciative no matter what my mood was before I started. Of course, I can practise this anywhere which works as long as it's somewhere where I’m free to focus.

Create a small poster showing a quote that inspires me.

I hope to choose some words of inspiration and display them in our home. I could use watercolours or get creative on the computer. My aim is to do this once in February. I would love this activity to be a regular practice but I am trying to keep it real.

I would also like to find a time now and then when I can read or view something motivational and/or inspiring. However, I think if the two goals above happen then that will be enough to ensure that reflection  is becoming a part of my life. What I plan to make this happen does not need to be grand or rigorous.

I have already started sitting outside of an evening, looking out over the garden and reflecting on what I have to be grateful for. It's a lovely, peaceful time and very calming at the end of the day.

Other things I might do …..

Go for a long bike ride (remove myself completely from my typically sedentary, homely  way of living)

Watch a video clip of an inspirational speaker.

Share some of the inspirational stories in a post.

Journal my week/month using words, pictures, colour, highlighting significant words, experiences, memories.

Goals: Reading a book

One of the small delights in recent months has been getting back to reading books. Back in January I had made a list of goals for the year but reading a book was one of the more indulgent goals and one I didn’t think I would get to.

Well, I’m here now to say that I have got to it and I enjoy every moment. I must say that I have not read lots of books. In fact, I’ve only read three. I loved going back to China one hundred years ago when reading Keys to the Kingdom, by A J Cronin, with that delectable feeling of being carried away to a faraway land. Sheer delight!! I’m now reading End the Struggle and Dance with Life by Susan Jeffers. It’s my bible. It helped me get out of an enormous rut years ago and has helped me immeasurably dealing with social anxiety in my day-to-day life. I also read Herman Hesse's Siddhartha which was so easy to read and got me thinking about my own spiritual journey.

I don’t necessarily get to read a lot each week. I just try to grab a spare moment to get through a few pages.

It’s interesting how life’s little happenings conspire to bring about something bigger and better.

"I realised I would like to read again when I was decluttering  books on the bookshelf. I only keep books that resonate with me and my life and that still speak to me after years of sitting on the shelf and not being read. I decided that it would be great to read those books again.

"I have started picking up Mr S on the way home from work. It usually takes him more than two hours to get home. This means waiting at the train station, sometimes longer than expected. And there we have it – the perfect opportunity to get another chapter read!!

"One of my goals for 2015 was to reduce screen time. I have made (tiny, tiny) inroads towards that and reading is one of those ways.

So, I look forward to more book reading (you know, not the digital kind) and I can’t wait to get through my current one and experience the joy of selecting the next one.

What I Can Do

 

 I don't feel well. I haven't felt great for a few days now. There's so much I want to do. I want to run. I want to garden. I want to create. I want to invite people over. Yet, I can't. I miss my days of planning and ticking off goals and tasks and feeling like I'm making the most of my life. 

   This morning, lying in bed and feeling too tired to get up, I wondered how to make sense of it. I've been reading lots of blogs as I haven't had enough energy for much else, but it has left my mind buzzing with stories of people who are running around doing hundreds of  things while I do nothing. 

   Then I remembered. Nearly twenty years ago, I was going through a slump. It was one of the worst times in my life and, back then, not knowing I had social anxiety, it was incredibly difficult to know what to do. I felt isolated at that time and no one really knew I was struggling. It was a time of transition. I had left a beautiful job and lifestyle for another one and it wasn't working out. In fact, the job was disastrous and I had to leave. 

   With no work, I used to sync my life with the TV. Oprah was on at 2:00 in the afternoon and after a dose of inspiration from her I would feel better about moving on with my day. One afternoon, still feeling very sorry for myself , Oprah was interviewing a young man who had lost so much and had so little. I was impressed to see how conscientious he was. It amazed me that he believed enough in himself to go to school, have goals and be determined to pass and go on to further study. 

   Oprah asked him how he managed to keep going. 

   He replied, "I just think about what I can do. I don't think about what I can't do." 

   Now those words have stayed with me. Very close to me. For the big challenges as well as the smaller ones. I may have mistaken the precise wording but I have never forgotten the lesson that young man taught me. I don't like to promote "big business" but I do want to acknowledge how important that program was to me at that time. 

I was so self-absorbed in what I couldn't do that I had forgotten what I could do.

   So this morning, I shared the story with Mr S and I realised that I need to approach my life this week with that in mind. It's frustrating not being able to do the things I love but there is still so much that I have and that I can do.

This week...
I can lie in bed while the rain pours down (not the whole week!).
I can see the sun shining over the park after the last downpour.
I can still try to keep up my water intake.
I can still try to be mindful of my internet usage.
I've got two lovely classes of students so I think I can still keep teaching without losing my voice and taking time off work.
I can make sure that I monitor my health and rest as much as possible.
I can prioritise what needs to be done.
I can dream about all those projects and dreams I want to work on when I do feel stronger!

Need to create! Housework can wait!

Need to create...can't wait...don't hesitate....

I've been busy the last few months trying to focus on what needs to be done, instead of getting caught up in what I enjoy doing. I haven't done any craft for a long time but I've felt the need to create. I've been missing it. I really believe in making time for the soul but I've been  waiting for a free moment.

Something was telling me I needed to get back to it, whether I had time or not. I know my soul feels nourished after time spent doing what I love so I could justify choosing it even when there were many other things to do. I was also encouraged after reading organisingqueen.com who was challenging readers to make time to do something they love.

Last Friday night I began. My goal had been to make gift tags for some small, thank-you gifts for those who helped me out when my car wasn't working. I wanted to use up what was already in the craft box and it had to be easy to do in one sitting.

On Thursday night - in a reckless moment of time-wasting on Pinterest- I was inspired to do an Easter vignette.  It was clearly a sign that my expressive side was needing attention. Or perhaps just another indication of my wonderful procrastination skills. 

Tags or bunny? 

My main goal was to paint a bunny to frame for Easter. As I painted, there was no doubt in my mind that it was really soothing creating something beautiful from the gentle brushstrokes on the crisp, clean page. It was peaceful and therapeutic. I felt rested. There was focus as I found myself being in the moment, lost in the swirl of the soft, pastel colours. 

While the bunny silhouette dried, I decided to get on with the gift tags and leave the housework for the next day. I rummaged around for pretty paper and offcuts, and used the hanging loops I've been snipping off clothes for ribbon. I cut and glued, then threaded the ribbon through a hole at the top of the tag. The most difficult part was shaping the cardboard to look like a gift tag.

The next day I bought some eggs and two ceramic birds from the el cheapo shop. Back at home, I grabbed a few minutes of my cleaning time to arrange the Easter display in the lounge room. I didn't have any green material but came across a bright and cheery, green scarf when I was putting away my clothes (I did make time for some housework!!).

I had a wonderful time reconnecting with my creative side. A few days later I still feel good about it and I'm keen to get back home and experience some more domestic bliss, which is the opposite of how I had been feeling the weeks before. The experience has cemented even further how important I think it is to listen to your soul. I feel nourished and energised. 

I hope you have some time this week to do something you love.

Gratitude Part 2

To be authentic I felt I needed to write a follow-up to Gratitude (which became Gratitude Part 1). It would have been easy to write about feeling down the other day , and leaving it at that, but that wouldn't tell the whole story. Or I might have made it show too easily how being "positive" can result in what you hope for.  So I decided to write a little more about that day and add what happened next.

Pittwater NSW 

It was a real struggle that day. I did feel down and the weather had been grey for days. Sunshine is the salve on  most of my wounds but I couldn't look to that the other day. As I said, focussing on "positive things" in my life certainly helped me shift from not wanting to do anything to being able to get up and get some things done. Even then, later that day there were lapses into feeling sad and not wanting anyone to see that.

At the end of Gratitude 1 I had written about embracing what is, as is, now. It really resonated with where I was at and I was keen to spend time reflecting on it. With those words in mind, I was determined to finish the last bits and pieces so the office would be ready once and for all...
...which is about the time when I hurt my back!!
...which was shortly followed by the news that Mr S had been given  a job!!!!

For so long I had been looking forward to that moment and when it finally arrived I could barely cheer.

Three days on and life is better. My back is still healing but thankfully I'm on holidays and there's no pressure to be doing things. Mr S has picked up in spirits and so have I. I must say I was a little sad at first because the new job means he will be away from home each week.  But I know how important it is to him and it's in such a lovely country area with lovely old cottages and shopfronts.

I'm sure there will be more challenges and more adventures along the pot-holed road of life but, for now, I'm very thankful for the wonderful opportunity given to Mr S and I'm certainly grateful that my back is healing and it's getting easier to do things around home.

Gratitude Part 1

Sleepy summer Pittwater, NSW

I'm needing a little boost today. It's holiday time which is when I usually find a comfortable momentum as I get into the gentle pace of domestic living. 
These holidays it's been different because Mr S is here. Now, that's been good. Last year he was living in the next state so that meant we could only see each other every couple of months. However, Mr S left his job and lifestyle over there to be with me here and he has yet to find work. We've been checking out jobs every day for the last two months and we've now extended the search to country areas (which means that he would be living away from home). As I sit down to search again it's hard to approach it without feeling down.
One of the key requirements of many jobs here is that you have your own car. Mr S doesn't. He's prepared to ride his bike but they don't accept that. There's no regard for the fact that he has been riding his bike to cold-call places for work. There's no regard for the fact that he travelled on foot to work for the last four years, two years of which required him to walk at 3 every morning.  If you haven't got a car you're crossed off the list. Mr S figures that there is no point in him getting a car and paying for driving lessons while he has no income. He's very proud and I need to respect that.
But he's a fantastic worker and someone one day soon is going to be very glad he's on their team...
Meanwhile I need a boost and one of the best ways I know to do that is to focus on what's been good in the last few days.
This is what I have come up with

• The front room is slowly getting sorted and I never thought it would happen so quickly.
• I did housework this week! It's been a while since I've had time to do a proper clean instead of a quick tidy-up.
• We've been eating zucchini from our own garden. There seem to be one or two to pick each week which is perfect timing.
• The grapes are ripening. This could be the first year I actually get to eat some, though I think they're probably a wine-making variety. I'm  not even sure how I will know when they are ready.
• Mr S had an interview in the country the other day, in central Victoria. We stopped at a beautiful, sleepy town that had a very old feel about it. We had time for a stroll up and down either side of its one street. It was so peaceful there.
• I'm slowly getting somewhere with the running. It's been a slow journey. It's taken a while and I'm still a couple of weeks off my goal. BUT, I'm almost there.
• I've had time to indulge in my passion for dream house programs on cable TV, and let me say that these are better than chocolate cake cf. "You Live In What" and "Escape to the Country".
• I have a "word" for the year and I've printed out my goals for the year. I've organised my own version of a household folder  that sits nicely in the newly-organised office.
• I had a beautiful walk the other night with Mr S. around the lake near our home. It's nice to be able to get out and enjoy the summer evenings.
• I think there's something to be said for "lulls" in life. I don't think life is meant to be smiling faces every second of the day. I'm a bit of an idealist so I need to be careful of aiming high and believing that life is only good when great things are happening.  With this in mind, I'm grateful for the space to realise this and to be able to challenge myself to embrace what is, as is, now.

Would you believe that I feel better? The weather is still miserable outside, considering it's summer, but changing my focus for a few minutes has helped  me think about something different. It's put me in the mood to be productive. It's now time to clean out a cupboard, clean the bathroom and go for a run. Time to put on some music and go get started.

Social Anxiety: A positive perspective

 

I think having SAD can sometimes be seen as a negative. However, I have to say that I like the quiet, more reserved members of our species. Just as we need outgoing, talkative people in this world, I find people who are reserved and less forthcoming have an air of mystery about them. I have not met anyone who has SA but I know a number of people who are worriers and who find being around people can make them highly anxious.  I find they have struggled during their lives and yet they forge on. It seems to me that people who have SA possess an inner fortitude.

SA seems to go hand in hand with struggle, stress and sensitivity but that doesn’t mean it comes without its good points. When I recognise someone who might have SA, I welcome the sensitivity they often bear. I know that person has any number of talents which will only be revealed when the time and space is right.  To me that is a good thing.  I don't want friendship that comes in a blaze of lights and fizzes away to nothing just as quickly as it came.

 

SA is difficult but like everything it has plenty of good things about it. Like the turtle and the hare, getting to know someone with SA is like the turtle: slow but steady!!

 

Embrace Social Anxiety today.

Redefining My Goals

I love goals, in the same way that I love lists.
Over the last couple of decades I've taken delight in setting goals and seeing them come to fruition, even if it does take a couple of years longer than originally anticipated.
This last year I've found it hard to find time for my big goals. This month alone I've had plans compromised by a sore back, changes to the routine at work and now I'm getting over days off work with laryngitis.

Nevertheless, I've come to realise there are some things I do that account for why my goals haven't been happening these last few months.

• I plot the big goal each week. I never get to it. I never pinpoint a time or action.
• I spend  waste a lot of time on the computer when I could be doing something more productive and, most likely, more enjoyable.
• I do have a large number of goals in addition to my regular work commitments and everything else that needs attention in the week.

Well, the time spent reading blogs hasn't been all wasted.  I found a lot of useful ideas after reading comments about routines and goal-setting on the  Down-to-Earth Forum  and  I found some great advice on  http://organisingqueen.com/ .

I know I should probably have crossed out a goal or two and shortened the list,  but I just couldn't.  So, based on what I learnt from the sites above, I have refined my planning.

• I allocated two blocks of time where I could be pretty sure it wouldn't get swallowed up by other  weekly happenings.
• I identified  a smaller, achievable action for the bigger goals for that week alone.
• I moved housework down the priority list (except for the main jobs)

Voila!  It worked.

Take a look.   

Goals:  FAMILY TREE,  FAIRY GARDEN, BLOGGING, HOME
Time:   Tuesday night   I hour,    Saturday 1 hour
Task :  FT - Start collating all the details I have on great, great, grandfather MB
            FG - Go op shopping and see whether they have any little knick-knacks that could be used in
                    the fairy garden.
Result: FT- Done. Had time to go onto trove.nla.gov.au and find more old newspaper articles.
            FG - Nothing special for the fairies but I did find a basket which I'm going to upcycle and use
                    for some spring flowers.

The best result is feeling motivated to go about my week's routine. I feel like I'm achieving and, most of all, I experience the joy that comes with working on my goals.  I've noticed, too,  the positive vibe lifts my spirit and spills over into other areas of  life. I thought about what wasn't working and what I wanted to work. I'm glad to say that the readjustment has actually worked!

Sunshine

When I started on this blog I was so looking forward to sharing many wonderful things about life. Yet, the last two weeks have been a struggle. Fatigue gave way to laryngitis and I almost felt I was starting to lose sight of what it was like to feel good and enjoy day-to-day living.
Then the sun came out. One thing that keeps me going in life is the sunshine. I can feel down and depressed but once that sun comes out it seems to signal to me a ray of hope, even if it's just the hope of finding beauty in my surroundings.
With the finer weather I got outside and did some gardening. Having something that lifts your spirits is so important. Knowing those things is an important gift to yourself. And if you're lucky those things will be available and inexpensive!
Some of the things that lift my spirits are

• working in the garden: I rarely get beyond the weeding stage but I love being out there
• listening to music: I've got my favourite music on my ipod, it's amazing what a good song can do for you
• sunshine: what a boost and when it comes after days of grey it's like gold
• a nice, hot bath: sometimes we forget to spoil ourselves

The last couple of weeks have been trying and tiring. After getting out in the garden yesterday I still found myself feeling very confined when I had to spend yet another evening on my own. I wanted to scream several times over the last few days but with a weakened voice I couldn't. It was very frustrating and it also got lonely.
 Thank goodness the sunshine came and rescued me!!

What lifts your spirits?