Priorities

The sun is out again. Hooray! It’s been so cold and wet so many days that I think I may have fallen into a trap of doing very little these last couple of weeks. It was just too miserable to get out of bed before 10 o’clock. As I look out the window, I've decided that a walk around the lake is definitely on today's list.

As I write, the Australian leadership is up in the air, is difficult to define and is something of an enigma. Or, at least, it seems that way. Really, all is well. I know of no fellow citizens whose lives are in turmoil because of the recent election and its yet-to-be-decided outcome. Procedures are in place. Final votes are being counted as is prescribed when there is no clear majority.

Like my life. I still have my job, my partner, family and friends. I still have my home. Hospital visits are part of my weekly routine. For now. Really, all is well and I have no difficulties. The usual procedures are in place. Not that I’m always following them. But they are there to pick up when I am ready.

Like the Australian government, life is operating a little differently for the moment.

I compiled a list of what is important to guide me through this time, to be used until life settles, to refer to when my mind wants to switch off. I formulated it at a time when I didn’t realise I was adjusting to all that was happening, when I had been feeling rather anxious. It had to be a simple list. A list of priorities.

1. Rest. Priority number one.
2. Reflect and relax. Do things which bring joy. Even if it is just for ten minutes. Take time out.
3. Drink water.
4. Eat well.
5. Exercise. Walk. Perhaps one day run.
6. Love and acceptance. Because sometimes my patience runs short and I need to know what to say, what to do, how to react in a split second when life is challenging.
7. Listen. I think this will be on all of my lists for ever and ever. I aspire to be a good listener. A reminder, too,  that life is is not all about me!
8. Do jobs. Sometimes I do not want to do the dishes. Sometimes I do not want to do my paid work. I need to keep my focus. I need to do some jobs.
9. Organise. I am absent-minded. Truly. I need to keep lists and write things down.

The hospital visits are important. I am no longer anxious as I approach all things medical. I am becoming comfortable with the hospital routine. It’s more my day-to-day routine at home and work which are often up in the air. Hence the list.

I sit in the waiting room and watch other people and I see that some of them are dealing with some heavy stuff. I get perspective on my own situation.

Like the Australian government, I know what the result will be. It will be OK. While things are a little unusual at the moment, they are sure to settle in the ensuing months, albeit with a few adjustments here and there. 

Trying very hard.... to wake up early

 
     It must be over six months now that I have been trying very hard to wake up early when I go to work .... after 30 years of getting up at the last minute. 

    I have to be honest and say that the last three weeks have been tough. In the morning it's so cold and dark when I wake up that I actually started pushing the snooze button and turning over to get a bit more sleep.  I was clearly stepping into dangerous territory. Around 7.20 I would begrudgingly get up and scramble to pack a quick  breakfast. Some mornings I wouldn't get as far as packing breakfast.

    I realised I needed to apply drastic measures to counteract my downward spiral from what had started as a grand and almighty  attempt at waking up earlier each day.

    A few weeks later and this is what I have done to turn things around and make the "waking up early" experience possible once again.
   
    I turn on the bedside lamp as soon as the alarm goes off and then turn on the heating... then I run and hop back into bed! Both of these serve to disguise the cold and dark and help me take my mind off what it's really like  outside.

    I decided it would also be easier if I tried to add incentives.  I like listening to the radio in the morning so I've combined that with having my breakfast (in bed, I might add!). After the house has warmed up and my eyes are ready to open I get up and prepare a quick and healthy breakfast. 

    I love my chai latte on Thursdays before work. It's become a habit. Having a very appealing incentive has been a real help to getting out of bed on a cold, miserable morning.

    The other thing I've done is keep it real. As much as I would dearly love to accomplish great things in the morning I could see my goal of waking up early was getting away from me. There's no denying I find it really hard some mornings. So I needed to stop expecting to accomplish 5 new things in the morning when I was struggling to do one. I decided to reduce my expectations and prioritise. At the moment, breakfast is the main goal.

I'm very proud of what I've achieved thus far. I certainly haven't conquered the mornings. However, I've been very surprised to see that  I've actually managed to get up early every morning and have breakfast at home. One factor that makes waking up so hard is not getting  to sleep early enough. Perhaps that will need to be the next step in strengthening my morning routine. I'm also hoping to find myself some more "appealing incentives" for the mornings. Those goals will need to be simple and sweet which sounds good to me.  Who knows what I might achieve by the end of 2015!
    
    
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Me, Running and The Biggest Loser

This morning I put on my comfy, exercise clothes and went for a walk and a run. It was a lovely, sunny morning. It felt good to be running again, and I was glad to be getting back to my exercise goals.

During the week I got to thinking about this being my third attempt to run 5ks. I wondered if I would ever get there. I wondered if my body was trying to tell me that I had left it too late. I started last August and here we are in May. Gulp!!

along the running track

And yet, I knew deep inside that I wasn’t ready to give up.

Fortunately, I’ve never had tackle a weight problem but I used to watch The Biggest Loser in its early days and found it quite inspiring.  The contestants would be overwhelmed sometimes by the challenge of sticking to their program and overcoming hurdles. Even when they may have lost no kilos in a week they were expected to keep going. Some of them had battled weight issues for years and years.

I recall the coaches giving pep talks to the contestants and urging them to go on. As much as they had to take time out to reflect on what might be holding them back from achieving their goals, it was essential that they got back on track immediately.

I see parallels in embarking on a diet and exercise program and working towards my own personal goals. Much of the advice given by (creditable) weight loss gurus can be applied to other goals in life.

One of the key messages I’ve held on to is not to be put off when do we come up against hurdles that divert us from the goal. Yes, it happens. People "fall off the wagon"! But it's important to shift the focus on to what is going to help you move on rather than wasting time and energy on putting yourself down for what you haven't done. It is not just talking about what can be done at that point but actually getting up and doing something. 

 I try to keep all of this in mind when I think about starting over again with my running goal. Rather than thinking that I’ve failed completely I try to refocus and look for the next step in moving closer to reaching my goal. This is the philosophy that has kept me staying on track along the "pot-holed road"  in my running journey. 

This morning as I took baby steps running along the path, I pictured myself running 5ks around the neighbourhood, feeling fit and strong.  I’m not ready to give up yet and but I am eagerly looking forward to Monday and my next schedule walk-run.

What I Can Do

 

 I don't feel well. I haven't felt great for a few days now. There's so much I want to do. I want to run. I want to garden. I want to create. I want to invite people over. Yet, I can't. I miss my days of planning and ticking off goals and tasks and feeling like I'm making the most of my life. 

   This morning, lying in bed and feeling too tired to get up, I wondered how to make sense of it. I've been reading lots of blogs as I haven't had enough energy for much else, but it has left my mind buzzing with stories of people who are running around doing hundreds of  things while I do nothing. 

   Then I remembered. Nearly twenty years ago, I was going through a slump. It was one of the worst times in my life and, back then, not knowing I had social anxiety, it was incredibly difficult to know what to do. I felt isolated at that time and no one really knew I was struggling. It was a time of transition. I had left a beautiful job and lifestyle for another one and it wasn't working out. In fact, the job was disastrous and I had to leave. 

   With no work, I used to sync my life with the TV. Oprah was on at 2:00 in the afternoon and after a dose of inspiration from her I would feel better about moving on with my day. One afternoon, still feeling very sorry for myself , Oprah was interviewing a young man who had lost so much and had so little. I was impressed to see how conscientious he was. It amazed me that he believed enough in himself to go to school, have goals and be determined to pass and go on to further study. 

   Oprah asked him how he managed to keep going. 

   He replied, "I just think about what I can do. I don't think about what I can't do." 

   Now those words have stayed with me. Very close to me. For the big challenges as well as the smaller ones. I may have mistaken the precise wording but I have never forgotten the lesson that young man taught me. I don't like to promote "big business" but I do want to acknowledge how important that program was to me at that time. 

I was so self-absorbed in what I couldn't do that I had forgotten what I could do.

   So this morning, I shared the story with Mr S and I realised that I need to approach my life this week with that in mind. It's frustrating not being able to do the things I love but there is still so much that I have and that I can do.

This week...
I can lie in bed while the rain pours down (not the whole week!).
I can see the sun shining over the park after the last downpour.
I can still try to keep up my water intake.
I can still try to be mindful of my internet usage.
I've got two lovely classes of students so I think I can still keep teaching without losing my voice and taking time off work.
I can make sure that I monitor my health and rest as much as possible.
I can prioritise what needs to be done.
I can dream about all those projects and dreams I want to work on when I do feel stronger!

Just do one thing before you sit down

When I come home from work I find all I want to do is sit down and veg. Some days I have no energy. My inclination when I walk through the door is to sit down on the couch as quickly as possible. The problem is that I usually have plenty of things to do, including getting a meal ready. 

One day, after thinking about my time-wasting habits,  I realised that flopping down on the couch was the crucial point at which I was choosing to "slack off".  I realised that I needed to change what I did right at that point. Ever the queen of making life easy, I challenged myself to do just one thing before I sat down. I figured that would lighten the workload at least a little. I don't believe in work, work, work but I know that relax, relax, relax is counter-productive as well!

So, one thing is what I try to do before I sit down and succumb to the need to veg out after I come home from work. Keeping it simple, is the key!! I usually assign myself something easy to do, such as put ten things away (yep, there can be a lot of mess sometimes), before I have a cuppa, or clean the basin, then have a snack.

You might have already guessed what I'm going to say next. After I do one job I feel a sense of achievement and I find myself doing a little bit more. The ten things I pick up, quickly and easily, become twenty things. While  I give the living room a quick tidy-up, I start working out what I need to do for dinner. The other day I decided to water the pot plants and I took a quick walk around the garden.  Most of the plants are dying off after the summer season but I found a zucchini ready to pick. 

This is also where a meal plan works well for me. It helps if I start on the meal preparation before I sit down. I sometimes feel daunted by the task of cooking a meal after a day's work, so it is much easier when I don't have to think  too much about what I'm going to cook. I apply the same principle to meal prep: just do one thing for the meal before I take a rest. More often than not, I end up cooking the whole meal.

I recommend doing just one thing when you need to do work but can't be bothered or you're just too tired. It makes life a little  bit easier and lightens the load with minimal effort. And, if you're lucky, you'll probably end up doing more than you set out to do!

Some of this probably sounds outlandish to busy parents who don't always have the luxury of free time before mealtimes.  To tell you the truth, I'm not sure how they do it. 
I do know that  in the years gone by I would be totally drained at times by being with other people.  There would have been times when I felt worthless (and worse) and it was very hard to turn around and do a simple task such as nourish myself with good food. Social anxiety can be extremely taxing on the mind and body. 

Navigating potholes in the road of life.

It seems that the last couple of months have been one pothole in the road after another.

Tonight a mechanic told me that my car is in no condition to be driven. Not even to the garage to be fixed.  Last week I took Mr S up to his new job in the country and the realisation hit that he needs a car to manage that job. Up until now he was happy taking public transport. All of a sudden a new car is on the must-do list and that certainly wasn't part of the plan for 2015.

Yet, we're both OK and as frazzled as I've been, at times, we're managing fine, which got me to thinking: "Why?"  Years ago, I would have cried, felt burdened and  been down on myself.

When I look back I can see that many of the challenges I encountered through the years have actually made it easier for me to deal with what I face now in my life.

I remember backpacking many years ago. I was terrified before I set off. At that time, my friends were married and settled while I was still navigating the hassle of life. However I so wanted to go travelling, nothing would stop me. I remember challenging myself to go into Target alone and not walk out straight away. I figured if I were going to travel the world I might need to practise walking around new places by myself.  That's right. As a young woman in my twenties, it was quite a challenge to go into a small, quiet department store and actually wander around.

So that particular day I did it, excruciating as it was. 

I ended up travelling the world for 11 months on my own.

That was the year I learned that dreams can come true. I came to realise that if you really want something you can find a way to do it. What I also know is that life may not be easy... but amazing things  can still happen one way or another. It helps to remember this when the going gets tough.

at the bus-stop

A few years ago I noticed I was getting really impatient, stressed and upset waiting in traffic. I eventually decided that I needed to tackle the problem instead of getting frustrated and upset. 

So these last few weeks, as I waited for buses that didn't come, I was  reminded that getting upset and stressing hurts no one but me.  I've learned that no amount of cursing will make that bus come any faster, nor will my anger allow me to find a better way of dealing with the situation.

I watched my dad die slowly. I've seen friends deal with infertility. I have students who don't have a parent. Over time, all of these personal encounters  have taught me how to keep things in perspective. 

Waiting at the bus stop might be an inconvenience but that doesn't mean my life is no longer abundant. It's a pothole in the road, and I  need to walk around it and get on with the journey.

I have to be honest. For me these lessons took a very long time and it's only with hindsight that I can see the value of those earlier life experiences.

So now, when I'm faced with a car that doesn't work and a partner whose job is far from home, I know that tears and self-deprecation are not effective coping strategies. The fact is life is really OK. I'm now extremely grateful that my life experiences have included inconveniences and experiences of hardship. I'm grateful that I faced them- even if begrudgingly- knowing that today I am better equipped than ever to navigate  those potholes in the road.

walking home

Happy SAD Thoughts

Having SAd is something that is always with me. More often than not I forget I have it. However, I cannot forget forever. SAd has a way of knocking on my door and reminding me that it has a fixed place in my life. At times like that I realise  I need to work at keeping myself grounded and in the position where I can mange my SAd easily.

There are many things I do that help me stay centred. Getting enough sleep is a high priority. Exercise has helped me use my energy in a productive way and leaves me feeling good. I try to work out three times a week but most times it's once or twice. I have hobbies that nourish me, such as gardening and I recognise other practices which give me a boost. Having a chai latte is simple enough. It warms me inside and provides an excuse to relax and enjoy a few moments of solitude. 

One of the key ways that keeps my thoughts grounded is by reading and watching out for inspiration from other people and sources. Getting a regular fix of both positive and challenging ideas makes it easier for me to think positively and challenge the negative thoughts. I often look out on pinterest for meaningful quotes and I always welcome finding reports in the newspaper that shine a light on social anxiety.

This week I came across this clip via Life behind the purple door . Dayarne at Simple joys and silver linings  shares her experience of anxiety. She's made a video in which she speaks frankly and simply about what anxiety has been like for her. I think it helps immensely to know others out there have gone through what I have and to know I am not alone in this. It is also great to have role models and to see how others forge on - with their anxiety- and move forward with their life. 

I firmly believe the more we talk about social anxiety the easier it will be for those who have it but are not aware of it to find ways to manage it. It would have been so good, when I was young and struggling, to have had some strategies to turn to, or some role models to look up to and I'm talking about helping me just to get through the day.
If you would like to see more words of inspiration, have a look at my pinterest board of Happy SAd Thoughts.

This week I'd like to leave you with some words of inspiration.
As you can see I'm an amateur when it comes to presenting quotes myself.... 
Have a lovely Sunday.

Living in the shadows: A quick message of encouragement.

One of my main reasons for blogging is to create a gentle awareness of social anxiety and  to encourage people to do something about it. A few days ago I came across some long-ago memories of my walk with social anxiety when I was cleaning out the shed.

Thoughts I had on social anxiety aged 31. Not knowing that "the shadows" had a name.

               Why do I feel as if I am standing in the shadows?
               I want to step out
               But there is no place for me

               In the shadows 
               I busy myself
              Caught up happily in life's demands
              Until again 
              The beauty of light flickers my way
              And I stop and look

              There is beauty in the shadows
              But the light is where life blooms.

That day in the shed I spent a long time flicking through pages and pages of those old diaries and letters. The letters brought back the most wonderful memories of  my first year backpacking alone and my later years working abroad.  However, the diaries were  a little more revealing. They showed, in detail, the struggle that was a part of my everyday life.

When I returned from working overseas my friends, who were by that time long-married, were having their first and second children.  I found it hard to reconnect with them. I was struggling to go out on weekends. I was struggling to find someone to share a coffee with. I wanted to go for walks but I was too embarrassed, too shy, too uncomfortable. I wanted to meet people but I found it so hard. I felt terribly lonely and my diaries show the first signs of cynicism entering my life during that time.

I don't feel that I am living in the shadows anymore. Sure, life is sometimes lonely and challenging. I see that now as a normal part of being human. I believe social anxiety will always be a part of my life but I try not to let it define me.  Nowadays, I have clocked up hundreds of walks by myself and this year I started to run by myself. (Needless to say, this did not happen overnight.)

But the change from struggling with life to engaging with life only came about when I started to go to counselling with a professional.

If you're familiar with this hidden struggle, I'd like to offer you a message of encouragement. Perhaps you would like to learn  how to step out from the shadows. I hope you get an opportunity in 2015 to  see a counsellor or psychologist, if you haven't already, so that you can begin the journey to a more light-filled  life.

Life doesn't always have to be about living in the shadows. 

DISCLAIMER:
I write this blog from a personal perspective.
I am not an expert nor a professional regarding the subject of social anxiety.
When I offer a definition of what social anxiety is, it may not be what the experts say it is. It is simply my interpretation of my experience of it.

A small, but welcome, victory - saying no!

In the last few weeks I’ve said ‘no’ three times. And I’m mighty pleased with that. I am still surprised that after all these years I actually did it.

 Saying anything can be excruciating when social anxiety plagues you. I remember years ago not being able to get the words "thank you" out when a cute guy borrowed my ruler and gave it back to me. These days I can usually say most of what I want to say. In fact, sometimes I chide myself for talking too much. However, one thing which is still a challenge is saying no, especially to friends.

Recently a friend invited me to her husband’s 55^th birthday. I didn’t want to go because I’m more of a cup of coffee and a really good chat type of person  than a party person. I knew that party would go for hours. But they are very, very  special friends so I decided to pop in for a couple of hours and then leave quietly.

It felt weird breaking the flow of that evening and daring to say I’ve gotta go.” People often say “stay a little bit longer” but I knew I just had to say no back and within seconds they would be back to their socialising and merrymaking. I knew I just had to keep my head up and “act” like I was making a confident exit.

It worked a treat.

A couple of days later a friend invited me to dinner on a worknight. I didn’t  want to go but when I said no she insisted I pop in on the way home for a short time. I agreed to that. Saying no is not always easy and I can see I’m not always going to get it right. But that night I once again had to interrupt the flow of the evening and state aloud that I needed to go….which is really, really difficult. It means I have to be assertive for a few seconds and that is not easy.

I think it helped making a little plan for myself before I went to both occasions.

The third time was last week. I said no to the end-of-year work do. I did want to go but I was very tired and I knew it was my first chance in a long time to relax properly. I thought about it and figured I would be just as happy to stay home as to go out.

And I think that’s the key. Sometimes I feel guilty for saying no. I know that I tend to consider what pleases other people (what I perceive others to want) and disregard what it is I want to do. I need to make the decision based on what I want to do.  This doesn’t mean the ultimate decision will be what my first preference is.   

That’s why these three occasions mark a small victory. Because I acknowledged what I wanted to do and I based my final decision on that.  I felt stronger for going through the motions of being assertive, even though initially it felt a little strange.

 I look forward to my next opportunity for saying no!

Another SAd perspective: ACT

The other day I had just woken up when there was a knock at the door. Not too many people come to my house so a knock at the door that early was a surprise. I was in a mildly deflated mood as a day earlier I had said goodbye to a young person who had been staying with me and I was feeling the solitude and so wishing things were different.


I looked through the glass and saw a woman with a bouquet of flowers.

"Gotta be a mistake," I thought. "No one would want to give me flowers unless it was for work I had done."
"Mr X has taken the plunge and sent me flowers as a token of his love"
"That would never happen. It happens to everyone else but not me."


These were the thoughts that flashed through my head. Typical SAd type thoughts. Negative. Critical.

So I opened the door feeling pretty sure that the flowers were a mistake.  In fact it wasn't a mistake. The flowers were mine. I do a little volunteer work here and there and the agency had sent them to me as a thank you gesture. I took the flowers inside and left them on the bench.

 "All I'm good for is my work," I reflected. I went and sat down and started watching TV.

Then I reflected some more. "How ungrateful am I?" I knew I would be embarrassed if friends could see how I really thought. And I realised, too, that I had a new day unfolding before me and I didn't want it to be all about the "poor me" saga. I knew what I had to do. I knew it was completely up to me. I had the skill and the power to change that mindset and try to make the day a better one.


 The only way I knew to make a definite change was to put it on paper. For me, putting pen to paper somehow makes me accountable and enables me to see how things really are.

So I did. I forced myself  to write about the flowers in a postive way even though my initial thoughts were still negative. I acknowledged the thoughtfulness of the people who had sent me the flowers. I thought how lovely the flowers would look in my living room.

It worked! Only a short time later, I finished the task truly feeling much better about the flowers arriving and my negative frame of mind had shifted.

I learnt about this approach one night when I couldn't sleep. I heard a man on the radio (ABC radio) talking about the ACT technique (?). It might have been a Mr Harris and the book he referred to may have been The Happiness Trap. He explained that for anxious people we sometimes need to act first and let the feeling of confidence/the change come later. I've used this technique many times to transform a situation (once I allow my stubbornness  stand aside) and it certainly helped that morning to shift my attitude.

Have you ever found yourself using this sort of technique? How has it helped you?

Inspiration and Gratitude

It's a hot, blustery day here in Melbourne and I can stay at home and take it as easy as I like. Too hot to get out and do some things but not so hot I can't potter around inside.

I'm trying to work out ways to revamp my blog and make it more accessible. The funny SAd thing is that I'm happy to do whatever it takes as long as it does not involve putting myself out there. Yes. Not exactly conducive to making it in the blogosphere. Anyway, bear with me as I try to streamline and learn more about blogging over the next few weeks.

Inspiration and Gratitude

• Yesterday I had two young people staying with me. They were playing and running around and it pleased me to see that my house could be a home with people in it. It gave me even greater  pleasure to know that these two young people felt safe enough to be themselves so that they could laugh and play to their hearts' content.
• I have life. I get down very easily about what I don't have in my life and this year I want to challenge myself to value my story and to embrace who I am as I am. I read a newspaper article about a young journalist who died of cancer. It's so easy for me to pour my energy into the notion of living alone and the struggles associated with that. Yet, if I turn my eyes the other way (just shift, a minor shift is all it takes) then I realise that I have so much more than that. For a start I was able to get up today. Now that's something to be glad about!!

Since last year, I had wanted to share stories of people and experiences that inspire me. Having SAd can often make you feel that you are on the outer and that the world is revolving without you. I find that I need reminders and the occasional shake-up to get me out of that mindset and to prod me into heading off in a more nurturing direction. So this year I hope to bring to you some of the websites and people that inspire me.

Recently I came across "The Wellness Warrior".    Not only does she talk about living a greener, simple life, she also shares her inspiration. And like all of us she has had her share of challenges.

• I admire the way Jess has turned her life around. Out of very challenging circumstances she has forged a new life for herself.
• Jess totally embraces what she believes about life. She promotes a healthy body, mind and spirit and her website shows this. It's a wholistic approach to living life well.
• I love her inspiration board. I have already drawn on some of her ideas for my D-I-Y calendar.

Check it out!

Goals and Challenges

I am still on holidays and I am still loving the time I have to work around the house and in the garden. I'm trying to do the "Let's Get Organised" challenge on Becci's Domestic Blitz. So far so good. I've happily adapted the challenges to suit my lifestyle. To see a clean, clear bench and sink every day is wonderful. I thought it was so hard to achieve. Here's evidence:

WEEK  ONE

• Put away Christmas decorations.  DONE
• Do one load of washing each day CHANGE TO Do two loads of washing a week. DONE
• Clean the sink and make it shine. DONE. I just gave it a good clean and got rid of all the bits and pieces that have accumulated over time. And go to bed every night with dishes done!!

WEEK TWO

• Keep sink clean every day. Yes.
• Do two loads of washing a week. One done, one to go.
• Sort out kids' school clothes and school items for the year. I don't have children but I have been looking after a young girl who has so many clothes  and things. I will sort out her things into smaller bags and make sure her uniform is ready for the start of the school year. By then she'll be moving on so it would be good for her and her new family if things are easily located.
• Organise a homework station. I'm going to work on my desk. It's useless. It's extremely uncomfortable. Let's see what I can come up with.