A small, but welcome, victory - saying no!

In the last few weeks I’ve said ‘no’ three times. And I’m mighty pleased with that. I am still surprised that after all these years I actually did it.

 Saying anything can be excruciating when social anxiety plagues you. I remember years ago not being able to get the words "thank you" out when a cute guy borrowed my ruler and gave it back to me. These days I can usually say most of what I want to say. In fact, sometimes I chide myself for talking too much. However, one thing which is still a challenge is saying no, especially to friends.

Recently a friend invited me to her husband’s 55^th birthday. I didn’t want to go because I’m more of a cup of coffee and a really good chat type of person  than a party person. I knew that party would go for hours. But they are very, very  special friends so I decided to pop in for a couple of hours and then leave quietly.

It felt weird breaking the flow of that evening and daring to say I’ve gotta go.” People often say “stay a little bit longer” but I knew I just had to say no back and within seconds they would be back to their socialising and merrymaking. I knew I just had to keep my head up and “act” like I was making a confident exit.

It worked a treat.

A couple of days later a friend invited me to dinner on a worknight. I didn’t  want to go but when I said no she insisted I pop in on the way home for a short time. I agreed to that. Saying no is not always easy and I can see I’m not always going to get it right. But that night I once again had to interrupt the flow of the evening and state aloud that I needed to go….which is really, really difficult. It means I have to be assertive for a few seconds and that is not easy.

I think it helped making a little plan for myself before I went to both occasions.

The third time was last week. I said no to the end-of-year work do. I did want to go but I was very tired and I knew it was my first chance in a long time to relax properly. I thought about it and figured I would be just as happy to stay home as to go out.

And I think that’s the key. Sometimes I feel guilty for saying no. I know that I tend to consider what pleases other people (what I perceive others to want) and disregard what it is I want to do. I need to make the decision based on what I want to do.  This doesn’t mean the ultimate decision will be what my first preference is.   

That’s why these three occasions mark a small victory. Because I acknowledged what I wanted to do and I based my final decision on that.  I felt stronger for going through the motions of being assertive, even though initially it felt a little strange.

 I look forward to my next opportunity for saying no!

Another SAd perspective: ACT

The other day I had just woken up when there was a knock at the door. Not too many people come to my house so a knock at the door that early was a surprise. I was in a mildly deflated mood as a day earlier I had said goodbye to a young person who had been staying with me and I was feeling the solitude and so wishing things were different.


I looked through the glass and saw a woman with a bouquet of flowers.

"Gotta be a mistake," I thought. "No one would want to give me flowers unless it was for work I had done."
"Mr X has taken the plunge and sent me flowers as a token of his love"
"That would never happen. It happens to everyone else but not me."


These were the thoughts that flashed through my head. Typical SAd type thoughts. Negative. Critical.

So I opened the door feeling pretty sure that the flowers were a mistake.  In fact it wasn't a mistake. The flowers were mine. I do a little volunteer work here and there and the agency had sent them to me as a thank you gesture. I took the flowers inside and left them on the bench.

 "All I'm good for is my work," I reflected. I went and sat down and started watching TV.

Then I reflected some more. "How ungrateful am I?" I knew I would be embarrassed if friends could see how I really thought. And I realised, too, that I had a new day unfolding before me and I didn't want it to be all about the "poor me" saga. I knew what I had to do. I knew it was completely up to me. I had the skill and the power to change that mindset and try to make the day a better one.


 The only way I knew to make a definite change was to put it on paper. For me, putting pen to paper somehow makes me accountable and enables me to see how things really are.

So I did. I forced myself  to write about the flowers in a postive way even though my initial thoughts were still negative. I acknowledged the thoughtfulness of the people who had sent me the flowers. I thought how lovely the flowers would look in my living room.

It worked! Only a short time later, I finished the task truly feeling much better about the flowers arriving and my negative frame of mind had shifted.

I learnt about this approach one night when I couldn't sleep. I heard a man on the radio (ABC radio) talking about the ACT technique (?). It might have been a Mr Harris and the book he referred to may have been The Happiness Trap. He explained that for anxious people we sometimes need to act first and let the feeling of confidence/the change come later. I've used this technique many times to transform a situation (once I allow my stubbornness  stand aside) and it certainly helped that morning to shift my attitude.

Have you ever found yourself using this sort of technique? How has it helped you?