Social Anxiety and Me This Week

Every day social anxiety is a part of my life. These days I'm fortunate enough that it does not overwhelm me. Well, not usually. More often than not I don't even notice its presence. I like to think it does not control me but as you'll see in the following example, that's not always the case. 

I didn't do menu planning this week so I went to the supermarket three times in a few days. I happened to see my neighbour who works on the cash registers.  I worried he might think I was weird for coming in more than once in a few days. Then I recalled that recently when I went to his cash register I had blushed, probably because I was in a hurry that day and feeling guilty for not being more organised.
Now, I really enjoy having the chance to chat with him as he is just about the only local person I know in this area who I do get to talk to. We do say hello to other neighbours but it's never more than passing small talk.

Yesterday, while having a typical SA moment of indecision as to whether I should go to his cash register or not, I plucked up the courage and focussed on being  in the "here and now".
I went to his cash register. Everything was OK.  We had a quick chat and I noted for a microsecond that I wasn't blushing and felt rather happy about that. The shopping was done and  I went on my way. 

The "here and now" strategy worked really well. "Here and now" was the mantra I learnt to use years ago when social anxiety was getting in the way of me being able to communicate with some of my colleagues. It was like a quick prompt when my mind was going off track.

As you can see in the example above, my mind can get distracted by a hundred trivial thoughts while I'm in the middle of even the simplest of interactions. 

In order to be focussed on the person I was talking to, I used to say to myself  "Right here and now" as a reminder to stop thinking about  what might have happened the week before or the year before and to stop worrying about what the other person might be thinking. Saying "here and now" signalled that I needed to get back on track i.e. get on with the very reason why I had come to see that person, right there and then. 

It's not something I mastered overnight but after practising for a couple of years, it got a lot easier.
It really helped on Tuesday when I wanted to be able to talk at that very moment and I didn't want social anxiety to stop me from having a friendly chat. 

Time Alone

A winter's day on Mt Macedon

This morning I had my chai latte. I sat in the car for ten minutes and just relaxed.
I relished those  few moments in the car park, while the shops were still empty and before I faced a stampede impending stampede of high school students.
I realised that I haven't had that time alone for a while. And I miss it. I need it. It's an essential part of my lifeblood.
I was so happy to get out in the garden on Sunday. I felt rejuvenated as I hacked away at the rose bushes in the full sunshine. It was very liberating after being cooped up inside for the last few months. It was, for me, time alone.
Mr S and I have a relatively quiet life at home, but evenso, I've learned over the years that I need complete time alone to refuel and replenish. Gardening on Sunday was just that. When I craft it's just that. I thought running might be that sort of time but when I pound the footpaths of my local neighbourhood I need every ounce of energy just to take the next step. There's no surplus energy for contemplating the meaning of life.
I had friends over for a lovely afternoon tea on Saturday afternoon. However, at the end of it all, I was ready for complete time alone.
Time alone helps me to handle life.  I remember being in the toilet when I was nine or ten years old and realising that all my good ideas happened at that time. A little weird, I know. It is understandable when I look back. In my talkative family there was not always space for an introvert to search deep and explore her innermost thoughts aloud.
I'm glad I know now that my introversion is an important part of who I am. It helps me to know why I can feel at odds with everyday life even when things are "OK".
I am currently working with a new class level and that means extra work. I don't like having my evenings and weekends taken up with lesson plans and corrections. It crowds my personal time and means there is less of a chance to have meaningful "me" time.

Keeping warm on a winter's day, spending time with friends.

I'm grateful for my chai this morning. I'm looking forward to more sunshine and more complete time alone!  Now that the sun is shining a little more around these parts, I will hopefully find it easier to get more of the "me" time.

What I Can Do

 

 I don't feel well. I haven't felt great for a few days now. There's so much I want to do. I want to run. I want to garden. I want to create. I want to invite people over. Yet, I can't. I miss my days of planning and ticking off goals and tasks and feeling like I'm making the most of my life. 

   This morning, lying in bed and feeling too tired to get up, I wondered how to make sense of it. I've been reading lots of blogs as I haven't had enough energy for much else, but it has left my mind buzzing with stories of people who are running around doing hundreds of  things while I do nothing. 

   Then I remembered. Nearly twenty years ago, I was going through a slump. It was one of the worst times in my life and, back then, not knowing I had social anxiety, it was incredibly difficult to know what to do. I felt isolated at that time and no one really knew I was struggling. It was a time of transition. I had left a beautiful job and lifestyle for another one and it wasn't working out. In fact, the job was disastrous and I had to leave. 

   With no work, I used to sync my life with the TV. Oprah was on at 2:00 in the afternoon and after a dose of inspiration from her I would feel better about moving on with my day. One afternoon, still feeling very sorry for myself , Oprah was interviewing a young man who had lost so much and had so little. I was impressed to see how conscientious he was. It amazed me that he believed enough in himself to go to school, have goals and be determined to pass and go on to further study. 

   Oprah asked him how he managed to keep going. 

   He replied, "I just think about what I can do. I don't think about what I can't do." 

   Now those words have stayed with me. Very close to me. For the big challenges as well as the smaller ones. I may have mistaken the precise wording but I have never forgotten the lesson that young man taught me. I don't like to promote "big business" but I do want to acknowledge how important that program was to me at that time. 

I was so self-absorbed in what I couldn't do that I had forgotten what I could do.

   So this morning, I shared the story with Mr S and I realised that I need to approach my life this week with that in mind. It's frustrating not being able to do the things I love but there is still so much that I have and that I can do.

This week...
I can lie in bed while the rain pours down (not the whole week!).
I can see the sun shining over the park after the last downpour.
I can still try to keep up my water intake.
I can still try to be mindful of my internet usage.
I've got two lovely classes of students so I think I can still keep teaching without losing my voice and taking time off work.
I can make sure that I monitor my health and rest as much as possible.
I can prioritise what needs to be done.
I can dream about all those projects and dreams I want to work on when I do feel stronger!

Navigating potholes in the road of life.

It seems that the last couple of months have been one pothole in the road after another.

Tonight a mechanic told me that my car is in no condition to be driven. Not even to the garage to be fixed.  Last week I took Mr S up to his new job in the country and the realisation hit that he needs a car to manage that job. Up until now he was happy taking public transport. All of a sudden a new car is on the must-do list and that certainly wasn't part of the plan for 2015.

Yet, we're both OK and as frazzled as I've been, at times, we're managing fine, which got me to thinking: "Why?"  Years ago, I would have cried, felt burdened and  been down on myself.

When I look back I can see that many of the challenges I encountered through the years have actually made it easier for me to deal with what I face now in my life.

I remember backpacking many years ago. I was terrified before I set off. At that time, my friends were married and settled while I was still navigating the hassle of life. However I so wanted to go travelling, nothing would stop me. I remember challenging myself to go into Target alone and not walk out straight away. I figured if I were going to travel the world I might need to practise walking around new places by myself.  That's right. As a young woman in my twenties, it was quite a challenge to go into a small, quiet department store and actually wander around.

So that particular day I did it, excruciating as it was. 

I ended up travelling the world for 11 months on my own.

That was the year I learned that dreams can come true. I came to realise that if you really want something you can find a way to do it. What I also know is that life may not be easy... but amazing things  can still happen one way or another. It helps to remember this when the going gets tough.

at the bus-stop

A few years ago I noticed I was getting really impatient, stressed and upset waiting in traffic. I eventually decided that I needed to tackle the problem instead of getting frustrated and upset. 

So these last few weeks, as I waited for buses that didn't come, I was  reminded that getting upset and stressing hurts no one but me.  I've learned that no amount of cursing will make that bus come any faster, nor will my anger allow me to find a better way of dealing with the situation.

I watched my dad die slowly. I've seen friends deal with infertility. I have students who don't have a parent. Over time, all of these personal encounters  have taught me how to keep things in perspective. 

Waiting at the bus stop might be an inconvenience but that doesn't mean my life is no longer abundant. It's a pothole in the road, and I  need to walk around it and get on with the journey.

I have to be honest. For me these lessons took a very long time and it's only with hindsight that I can see the value of those earlier life experiences.

So now, when I'm faced with a car that doesn't work and a partner whose job is far from home, I know that tears and self-deprecation are not effective coping strategies. The fact is life is really OK. I'm now extremely grateful that my life experiences have included inconveniences and experiences of hardship. I'm grateful that I faced them- even if begrudgingly- knowing that today I am better equipped than ever to navigate  those potholes in the road.

walking home

Goals: Heading in the right direction

After quiet a few weeks of not feeling well I think I'm finally getting back on track. This morning I was able to pop outside and cut off some of the dead flowers in the front garden. It was a good feeling and a beautiful morning, as well. Now my mind's ticking over with other little jobs I might be able to squeeze into today's program.

At the start of the week I set myself some goals, taking into consideration the limitations of having no car and still needing to take it easy. In some ways it was a little harder than expected. I found I was extra tired and waiting for buses took more time than expected.

My goals were focussed on waking early, eating homemade lunches, drinking water, going for a walk and cutting down my screen time (hoping that would give me the opportunity to get on to other more productive jobs).

Waking early: I certainly woke early each morning but that time was taken up with catching the bus.
Eating homemade lunches: Um...er...it only happened once.  For the first time I bought some cream cheese and made up a wrap with avocado. It was scrum-delicious.  This week I've bought cheese and chicken, bread and wraps to have on hand for lunch and snacks. It's nice to have something new in the humble lunchtime repertoire.
Drinking water: no...no... no
Going for a walk: no.... public transport takes up my time and my energy
Cutting down screen time/ using computer time effectively: Well, there has been improvement. I've been more careful about using the computer. One night I made myself  work out on paper what I needed to do and ended up having a very focussed evening. One night out of four is good, right? The other nights I did go online but I'm proud to say that I stayed off FB all week.

So, all in all, I feel that I'm heading in the right direction. I ended up making inroads on my food goal of one new recipe a month, which wasn't planned this week. I have often wanted to take public transport sometimes as a means to reducing my carbon footprint so that's a green living goal which came to be but also wasn't planned. I'm managing to get up early which, remember, is something I haven't been able to do for over twenty-five years. This did not start as an intended goal but I'm certainly glad it's happening.  I've begun to reduce screen time but I know that, really, I need to go much further.

It's 35 degrees today so not good for going for a walk. I'm sure, though, it won't be long before that can happen. The pantry is stocked and ready for three days of homemade lunches. I might need to wake up a few minutes earlier- gulp!-to make sure I have enough time for preparing lunch.

My goals this week will remain the same. I will keep heading in the right direction and I actually think that these smaller steps are more reliable than going all out on and changing life in a big way.
It's also shown me that tiny, substantial steps towards goals is easily managed and possibly more dependable long-term.

Happy SAD Thoughts

Having SAd is something that is always with me. More often than not I forget I have it. However, I cannot forget forever. SAd has a way of knocking on my door and reminding me that it has a fixed place in my life. At times like that I realise  I need to work at keeping myself grounded and in the position where I can mange my SAd easily.

There are many things I do that help me stay centred. Getting enough sleep is a high priority. Exercise has helped me use my energy in a productive way and leaves me feeling good. I try to work out three times a week but most times it's once or twice. I have hobbies that nourish me, such as gardening and I recognise other practices which give me a boost. Having a chai latte is simple enough. It warms me inside and provides an excuse to relax and enjoy a few moments of solitude. 

One of the key ways that keeps my thoughts grounded is by reading and watching out for inspiration from other people and sources. Getting a regular fix of both positive and challenging ideas makes it easier for me to think positively and challenge the negative thoughts. I often look out on pinterest for meaningful quotes and I always welcome finding reports in the newspaper that shine a light on social anxiety.

This week I came across this clip via Life behind the purple door . Dayarne at Simple joys and silver linings  shares her experience of anxiety. She's made a video in which she speaks frankly and simply about what anxiety has been like for her. I think it helps immensely to know others out there have gone through what I have and to know I am not alone in this. It is also great to have role models and to see how others forge on - with their anxiety- and move forward with their life. 

I firmly believe the more we talk about social anxiety the easier it will be for those who have it but are not aware of it to find ways to manage it. It would have been so good, when I was young and struggling, to have had some strategies to turn to, or some role models to look up to and I'm talking about helping me just to get through the day.
If you would like to see more words of inspiration, have a look at my pinterest board of Happy SAd Thoughts.

This week I'd like to leave you with some words of inspiration.
As you can see I'm an amateur when it comes to presenting quotes myself.... 
Have a lovely Sunday.

Should I tear up my goal list?

I've been trying to get back to my blog schedule of talking about my goals mid-week. I was sure that with focus and commitment I could achieve what I set out to do but it looks like these holidays my plans are flying out the window. Perhaps I should tear up my goal list?
Just over a week ago I hurt my back and all my holiday activities were curtailed. I couldn't do much at all so that included no running, which was one of my top goals. I couldn't write and I couldn't work at my laptop for more than a few minutes. I could surf the internet and I could watch television but I've even tired of those activities.
It makes me wonder about making plans and trying to determine how our lives will be. I've had so many good intentions these holidays, many of which have not eventuated. I had hoped to visit old friends but one didn't reply and the other had to postpone till autumn. I've called friends to catch up on the phone but no one is home! I had hoped to blog regularly but Mr S and I were devoting a lot of time to job-hunting. 
Surprisingly I've been positive while finding myself beached on the couch. Health issues flare up every now and then for me and I've had to resign myself over the years to surrender and give in to the need to rest completely, after many years of ignoring what my body was saying. Back then, when I did start staying at home longer to recuperate, because I had no choice,  I used to get upset the first couple of days realising that I couldn't do what I set out to do for that week. I hadn't realised how tightly I had tied my self-worth into "work" and "achieving" or getting things done. So, it was interesting to see with this current injury I accepted very quickly that I would rest completely even though nothing would get ticked off my "to do" list. 
Yes, it does help that it's holidays and I've got support at home which I didn't have in the past. It's also given me plenty of time to see that while my prescribed goals are not getting ticked off the list, the world keeps turning and I keep learning and moving ahead.

• Each day, I've noted improvements with my back and celebrated small achievements. I was very excited when I realised I could walk again. The first day I was able to walk, I went with a smile on my face each time I took off, taking a few tottery steps here and there. Yesterday was exciting because I managed to sit at the table and do an email for the first time in a week.
• Mr S landed a job half an hour after I hurt my back. 
• Resting on the couch, for the umpteenth hour, I looked across to my precious bookshelf and realised that I'm ready to cut down the number of books on those shelves. That's one area I thought I'd never ever tamper with and yet, that moment has arrived.
• I caught another glimpse of the beauty of life from my couch one early morning when I woke and saw Mr S studying hard at the dining room table so that one day he can take a course to better himself. I was filled with admiration. 
• This experience has reinforced the challenge of embracing life as it is now. It's shown me that there are still highlights to be had.  One thing I've looked forward to in the last few days is a walk outside amongst the vegies. Sometimes I'm too busy to get out there and look properly but this week I've enjoyed my little wander and I've been able to take the time to notice what is happening in each area.

I can't help wondering what the point is in heavily scheduling memories when life has its own way of delivering what we need. Why don't we let life unfold  naturally? 
There seem to be gentle reminders that life does this anyway, no matter how much I try to herd it into my carrel of "The Perfect Life".   
I often hear people say they want to create memories by going to a certain place at a certain time. What happens to those people if they have a lovely moment with their son or daughter at the kitchen sink while doing the dishes? What happens if the kids have a barrel of fun running under the sprinkler in the backyard on a hot, summer's day? Is life only remarkable if we can plan for it and photograph it?

What does this mean for me? 
I guess it's another question to ponder. I know my goals and my list for each day are very important to me. I love returning from holidays and being able to share with people what I've done. I love celebrating all the projects I've completed. 
These holidays have certainly presented me with another way to live,and very little of that was on my goal list!!  What am I going to say when I head back to work next week?

Simple Living Sunday: Thoughts on being too busy

Sunday is here again and I’ve barely found time to put my fingers to the keys. I’ve had a young person staying for the weekend and so this afternoon I have to “rush” to make sure there’s enough time to attend to all the items on the to do list. 

I really enjoy working around the home and for me that includes a simple living approach which allows me to do what I need to do with care and thought, and with pride and appreciation for what I have.  And yet the current reality is that I barely have time to do these things at all. Next week I’ve got visitors as well so it’s going to be another week of squeezing in all that needs to be done.

When it gets to this point I find it helps if I keep in mind what must be done versus what can be done. Generally, the things I feel passionate about are those things which are not mandatory. So op shopping for fairy garden containers has to be put aside while I make sure the washing, meal planning and food shopping are done for the week.

Another thing that helps me stay centred is I try to recognise while these few weeks have turned out to be a busy time, it will not always be like this. Time will free up over the next couple of weeks. There will be time again soon for gardening, catching up with friends and other good things.
I spent many of my younger years looking forward to a grand life in the years ahead and missing what was right before me. I don’t want to fall back into the trap of dreaming about tomorrow when today has plenty of good to offer, even when life is terribly busy.

Rather than getting frazzled by the busyness I also need to remember who I am and what makes me tick. The introvert in me is always seeking "time out", time on my own, time to think, time to be.  If I can mange to get some "time out" I can recharge, even if just a little.

When I started this blog  a few years ago I wanted to write about simple living from my perspective, as someone who works full-time, lives in suburbia, lacks many skills, has several commitments and who therefore needs to find a simple “simple living” approach which is cost and time-effective. It was definitely "no chickens" simple living for me.
I also wanted to do all of this as someone who carried the challenges of social anxiety, got tired easily and who was still determined to forge ahead. People with SAd often see things that other people miss. The SAd  and introverted me wanted to share some of those observations and insights with the readers. I'm one of those people who believes that the world really is an amazing place.

This last week it’s really hit home how hard it is sometimes to squeeze in enough time to blog, look after the home, keep in touch with loved ones and simply “enjoy” what each day brings.  Yes, I am overambitious with what I want to achieve each week! And the sun and warmth only makes me want to do more.

So my simple aim today is to work out what needs to be done for the week, prepare a little more for school and do a little gardening to hearten my soul. I don't want to rush anything. I want to enjoy. I also want to find a minute or two where I can start to think about how I might refine my blog so that it is  more manageable while still being a reflection of who I am and where I am going in my life.

How do you prioritise when the to do list is overflowing?

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

 

Social Anxiety: A positive perspective

 

I think having SAD can sometimes be seen as a negative. However, I have to say that I like the quiet, more reserved members of our species. Just as we need outgoing, talkative people in this world, I find people who are reserved and less forthcoming have an air of mystery about them. I have not met anyone who has SA but I know a number of people who are worriers and who find being around people can make them highly anxious.  I find they have struggled during their lives and yet they forge on. It seems to me that people who have SA possess an inner fortitude.

SA seems to go hand in hand with struggle, stress and sensitivity but that doesn’t mean it comes without its good points. When I recognise someone who might have SA, I welcome the sensitivity they often bear. I know that person has any number of talents which will only be revealed when the time and space is right.  To me that is a good thing.  I don't want friendship that comes in a blaze of lights and fizzes away to nothing just as quickly as it came.

 

SA is difficult but like everything it has plenty of good things about it. Like the turtle and the hare, getting to know someone with SA is like the turtle: slow but steady!!

 

Embrace Social Anxiety today.