A small, but welcome, victory - saying no!

In the last few weeks I’ve said ‘no’ three times. And I’m mighty pleased with that. I am still surprised that after all these years I actually did it.

 Saying anything can be excruciating when social anxiety plagues you. I remember years ago not being able to get the words "thank you" out when a cute guy borrowed my ruler and gave it back to me. These days I can usually say most of what I want to say. In fact, sometimes I chide myself for talking too much. However, one thing which is still a challenge is saying no, especially to friends.

Recently a friend invited me to her husband’s 55^th birthday. I didn’t want to go because I’m more of a cup of coffee and a really good chat type of person  than a party person. I knew that party would go for hours. But they are very, very  special friends so I decided to pop in for a couple of hours and then leave quietly.

It felt weird breaking the flow of that evening and daring to say I’ve gotta go.” People often say “stay a little bit longer” but I knew I just had to say no back and within seconds they would be back to their socialising and merrymaking. I knew I just had to keep my head up and “act” like I was making a confident exit.

It worked a treat.

A couple of days later a friend invited me to dinner on a worknight. I didn’t  want to go but when I said no she insisted I pop in on the way home for a short time. I agreed to that. Saying no is not always easy and I can see I’m not always going to get it right. But that night I once again had to interrupt the flow of the evening and state aloud that I needed to go….which is really, really difficult. It means I have to be assertive for a few seconds and that is not easy.

I think it helped making a little plan for myself before I went to both occasions.

The third time was last week. I said no to the end-of-year work do. I did want to go but I was very tired and I knew it was my first chance in a long time to relax properly. I thought about it and figured I would be just as happy to stay home as to go out.

And I think that’s the key. Sometimes I feel guilty for saying no. I know that I tend to consider what pleases other people (what I perceive others to want) and disregard what it is I want to do. I need to make the decision based on what I want to do.  This doesn’t mean the ultimate decision will be what my first preference is.   

That’s why these three occasions mark a small victory. Because I acknowledged what I wanted to do and I based my final decision on that.  I felt stronger for going through the motions of being assertive, even though initially it felt a little strange.

 I look forward to my next opportunity for saying no!

5 Things I'm Grateful For

I'm always pleasantly surprised to realise that even when things are busy or stressful or hardgoing, there are still opportunities to grow and learn.

This week I have much to be grateful for:

1. ROSEMARY
Our school garden has a big rosemary bush so I take a few sprigs when I need some for cooking.


2.THE GARDEN
It's so satisfying to see all that the garden provides, along with the promise (?) of more to come. Sometimes it seems to me that gardening is a game of chance and I'm very happy and very grateful when something I've planted grows. Properly.

3. SAFE ON THE ROADS
Yet again, I drove home down the highway after work, in peak-hour traffic, past 4 cars which had all been involved in the one accident. The drivers and passengers stood by their vehicles, looking dishevelled and dismayed as they waited for the police. I'm thankful that I've managed to travel each day to and from work, in one piece, my car and me.


4. TIME OUT and SAYING NO (sort of)
This last month has been one of too much to do. Now I have the largest number of school reports I've had to do in eight years. I've been stressing quite a bit lately. "Time out" helps me regain some balance.
Today I'm grateful for time in the day where I can relax and catch some TV. I've also bought myself some extra time by deciding to go to a friend's party but only for a couple of hours. As dear as these friends are, I'm an introvert and it gets uncomfortable after a couple of hours. So, I will go, but only for a while. Then they can all party on without me!!

5. A HELPING HAND IN THE GARDEN
This week I've had a helping hand in the garden. From now on it's a matter of our garden, not simply my garden.
He's come to stay and we get to make our own life together. He's finding it hard hunting for a job and I do hope that this talented man will be recognised for his strong ethics, skills and workmanship. He hails from a faraway land and spent many years taking care of the family's land. With such limited resources he's learned to manage with very little. In between tending the garden, he's been busy in the shed fashioning something from wooden branches he's stripped down with a knife. I think I'm not supposed to see what it is ... so no photo of what I saw when I peeked inside!!

I'm grateful for the wonderful changes that are happening in my life.

Goals: One key cleaning job a week

October

 

I got off to a fabulous start with my goal to do one cleaning job a week, that is, over and above the mandatory jobs of dishes and clothes washing.

Week 1       My mum was coming over so the floor got swept      and mopped.

Week 2     I had a young person coming to stay so the toilet and basin got done before the second weekend had arrived.

Week 3         I had a lovely weekend away for a friend’s 50^th.  No cleaning.

Week 4         Not sure what happened but the time seemed to go. Another week passed and I didn’t get the cleaning done.

A new month has started and I’m hopeful that this month I might get the jobs done. There’s a public holiday this week so that will give me some extra time.

I really think that more cleaning would happen if it weren’t for the gardening. I suppose I make that choice as it’s a feature of my home and I've made it a priority. Now with spring and the warmer weather there's even more to do. 

 

I think working full time, as well as having other things that need to be done in any given week, means that I can’t do everything so housework is one of those areas which is “cut back”.  One thing I know is that I don't want my life to be work, work, work.

What are we really saying no to ?

A colleague shared his dream with me the other day. He would do this dream in a few years when he had time and was free from his current stresses. He couldn’t tell people about his dream for fear they would belittle him.

I don’t know how many years of my life have passed by with me keeping everything and anything hush-hush. I once told a man on a date that I liked Abba music. He turned his nose up. Mental note to self: Don’t mention that to people. What a fool I am to throw that into the conversation!

In fear of what others would think, there was so much I wouldn’t do, so much I wouldn’t say. It meant that by protecting myself I was keeping myself neutralised, moderated.  Not genuine. In fact, not me.

In revealing his dream to me, this is what I discovered about my colleague:

·         He was a man with passion. He had dreams.

·         He had a richness to him that I had never really seen. At work, and even when we went out for coffee, it was work obligations, work obligations, housework obligations.

·         He inspired me. I had been dreaming about blogging the very day he shared his dream with me. The excitement of that conversation spurred me on to pursue my own dream.

Think about this. Imagine what might happen if you dared to mention your dream, in simple terms, to someone else.

·         It might cheer you up talking about something you like.

·         You could have fun pursuing your dream. You might enjoy planning and executing your dream.

·         You might be affirmed by some of the people you share with. Someone might ask questions when they catch up with you.  How’s the painting going?

·         You could meet another person who shares a similar interest.

·         The joy you get from following this dream could alleviate some of the other stresses in your life.

·         Someone might scoff at your idea. Someone might laugh at you.

 

In fairness to him and others there are, of course, many reasons why we don’t reveal our true selves to others. However, by not revealing a little of our true selves what are we really saying no to? Are we simply saying no to fear of someone’s scorn or are we saying no to a chance to grow and enjoy this life we’ve been made for?