A Winter Walk

   

 When things are not quite right one of the surest things to help get me back on track is sunshine! After many, many days of rain and miserably cold temperatures some beautiful sun came our way. So I got outside and I walked. Along with sunshine, walking is the other thing that does wonders for my morale. Needless to say I enjoyed my winter walk immensely. 

     Life here is slowly returning to normal after my unexpected visit to hospital a month ago which was followed by a short time at home recovering. I can't deny that the experience threw me much more than I would ever have anticipated. I believed that I had a very good handle on life, with all its ups and downs, but this episode certainly tripped me up. 

     Getting out this week and going for a walk and feeling the sun on my face was so key to helping me get back on track when life has been feeling as if it's getting out of whack. Taking time to reflect, create and garden are other activities which nourish my soul. My arm's still not strong enough for heavy gardening but I do hope to get in some more reflection time and creativity in the next few days.
     The other aspect which frustrated challenged me was that at times it was simply a matter of resting. No reflecting, no walking, no working, just resting. Which was all very weird when work sat untouched in my bag, my laptop lay idle and the carpet cried out for a clean. 
     In the meantime I have discovered that exercises do work and do make a whole lot of difference.
     Patience, my friend.
     So today I am very grateful for cheery, winter walks in the warm sunshine and I'm grateful for the unexpected beauty that appears here and there along the path. 

     And I'm grateful for the feeling of getting back on my feet. 

Gratitude Part 2

To be authentic I felt I needed to write a follow-up to Gratitude (which became Gratitude Part 1). It would have been easy to write about feeling down the other day , and leaving it at that, but that wouldn't tell the whole story. Or I might have made it show too easily how being "positive" can result in what you hope for.  So I decided to write a little more about that day and add what happened next.

Pittwater NSW 

It was a real struggle that day. I did feel down and the weather had been grey for days. Sunshine is the salve on  most of my wounds but I couldn't look to that the other day. As I said, focussing on "positive things" in my life certainly helped me shift from not wanting to do anything to being able to get up and get some things done. Even then, later that day there were lapses into feeling sad and not wanting anyone to see that.

At the end of Gratitude 1 I had written about embracing what is, as is, now. It really resonated with where I was at and I was keen to spend time reflecting on it. With those words in mind, I was determined to finish the last bits and pieces so the office would be ready once and for all...
...which is about the time when I hurt my back!!
...which was shortly followed by the news that Mr S had been given  a job!!!!

For so long I had been looking forward to that moment and when it finally arrived I could barely cheer.

Three days on and life is better. My back is still healing but thankfully I'm on holidays and there's no pressure to be doing things. Mr S has picked up in spirits and so have I. I must say I was a little sad at first because the new job means he will be away from home each week.  But I know how important it is to him and it's in such a lovely country area with lovely old cottages and shopfronts.

I'm sure there will be more challenges and more adventures along the pot-holed road of life but, for now, I'm very thankful for the wonderful opportunity given to Mr S and I'm certainly grateful that my back is healing and it's getting easier to do things around home.

Gratitude Part 1

Sleepy summer Pittwater, NSW

I'm needing a little boost today. It's holiday time which is when I usually find a comfortable momentum as I get into the gentle pace of domestic living. 
These holidays it's been different because Mr S is here. Now, that's been good. Last year he was living in the next state so that meant we could only see each other every couple of months. However, Mr S left his job and lifestyle over there to be with me here and he has yet to find work. We've been checking out jobs every day for the last two months and we've now extended the search to country areas (which means that he would be living away from home). As I sit down to search again it's hard to approach it without feeling down.
One of the key requirements of many jobs here is that you have your own car. Mr S doesn't. He's prepared to ride his bike but they don't accept that. There's no regard for the fact that he has been riding his bike to cold-call places for work. There's no regard for the fact that he travelled on foot to work for the last four years, two years of which required him to walk at 3 every morning.  If you haven't got a car you're crossed off the list. Mr S figures that there is no point in him getting a car and paying for driving lessons while he has no income. He's very proud and I need to respect that.
But he's a fantastic worker and someone one day soon is going to be very glad he's on their team...
Meanwhile I need a boost and one of the best ways I know to do that is to focus on what's been good in the last few days.
This is what I have come up with

• The front room is slowly getting sorted and I never thought it would happen so quickly.
• I did housework this week! It's been a while since I've had time to do a proper clean instead of a quick tidy-up.
• We've been eating zucchini from our own garden. There seem to be one or two to pick each week which is perfect timing.
• The grapes are ripening. This could be the first year I actually get to eat some, though I think they're probably a wine-making variety. I'm  not even sure how I will know when they are ready.
• Mr S had an interview in the country the other day, in central Victoria. We stopped at a beautiful, sleepy town that had a very old feel about it. We had time for a stroll up and down either side of its one street. It was so peaceful there.
• I'm slowly getting somewhere with the running. It's been a slow journey. It's taken a while and I'm still a couple of weeks off my goal. BUT, I'm almost there.
• I've had time to indulge in my passion for dream house programs on cable TV, and let me say that these are better than chocolate cake cf. "You Live In What" and "Escape to the Country".
• I have a "word" for the year and I've printed out my goals for the year. I've organised my own version of a household folder  that sits nicely in the newly-organised office.
• I had a beautiful walk the other night with Mr S. around the lake near our home. It's nice to be able to get out and enjoy the summer evenings.
• I think there's something to be said for "lulls" in life. I don't think life is meant to be smiling faces every second of the day. I'm a bit of an idealist so I need to be careful of aiming high and believing that life is only good when great things are happening.  With this in mind, I'm grateful for the space to realise this and to be able to challenge myself to embrace what is, as is, now.

Would you believe that I feel better? The weather is still miserable outside, considering it's summer, but changing my focus for a few minutes has helped  me think about something different. It's put me in the mood to be productive. It's now time to clean out a cupboard, clean the bathroom and go for a run. Time to put on some music and go get started.

Living in the shadows: A quick message of encouragement.

One of my main reasons for blogging is to create a gentle awareness of social anxiety and  to encourage people to do something about it. A few days ago I came across some long-ago memories of my walk with social anxiety when I was cleaning out the shed.

Thoughts I had on social anxiety aged 31. Not knowing that "the shadows" had a name.

               Why do I feel as if I am standing in the shadows?
               I want to step out
               But there is no place for me

               In the shadows 
               I busy myself
              Caught up happily in life's demands
              Until again 
              The beauty of light flickers my way
              And I stop and look

              There is beauty in the shadows
              But the light is where life blooms.

That day in the shed I spent a long time flicking through pages and pages of those old diaries and letters. The letters brought back the most wonderful memories of  my first year backpacking alone and my later years working abroad.  However, the diaries were  a little more revealing. They showed, in detail, the struggle that was a part of my everyday life.

When I returned from working overseas my friends, who were by that time long-married, were having their first and second children.  I found it hard to reconnect with them. I was struggling to go out on weekends. I was struggling to find someone to share a coffee with. I wanted to go for walks but I was too embarrassed, too shy, too uncomfortable. I wanted to meet people but I found it so hard. I felt terribly lonely and my diaries show the first signs of cynicism entering my life during that time.

I don't feel that I am living in the shadows anymore. Sure, life is sometimes lonely and challenging. I see that now as a normal part of being human. I believe social anxiety will always be a part of my life but I try not to let it define me.  Nowadays, I have clocked up hundreds of walks by myself and this year I started to run by myself. (Needless to say, this did not happen overnight.)

But the change from struggling with life to engaging with life only came about when I started to go to counselling with a professional.

If you're familiar with this hidden struggle, I'd like to offer you a message of encouragement. Perhaps you would like to learn  how to step out from the shadows. I hope you get an opportunity in 2015 to  see a counsellor or psychologist, if you haven't already, so that you can begin the journey to a more light-filled  life.

Life doesn't always have to be about living in the shadows. 

DISCLAIMER:
I write this blog from a personal perspective.
I am not an expert nor a professional regarding the subject of social anxiety.
When I offer a definition of what social anxiety is, it may not be what the experts say it is. It is simply my interpretation of my experience of it.

Feeling down: No easy answer.

I'm an idealist. I love to dream. I love to sit back and reflect on life. From time to time I find myself reading lots of articles about Living Life to the Full, Being Happy, Life is What You Make It.

I truly wonder whether some of those writers have had a life where they constantly have to deal with  health issues  and whether they've ever had to make do on their own, day after day, year after year. It seems to me that, in their world, living a good, healthy life naturally and easily results in finding a fabulous life-with partner- in a few weeks or months.

Oh, I wish my life were like that!

With this in mind I often feel disappointed  when I can't live up to those expectations. In the last few days I've found myself coming home wanting to cry. I try to tell myself that I am happy but the truth is that for some unclear reason I am not.

I have been busy and I'm finally managing to shake off a bug. Last night I went to yoga relaxation class only to return home tired and with more book work to do. The dishes were not done for the second night in a row (hopefully tonight I'll get them done). Monday nights are always stressful.

I need to be level-headed at these times and not get carried away with the emotions.

I am tired +
I have had a bug and I haven't shaken it off completely +
I have been busy +
My new class is very demanding and the level is new to me +
I am getting out less and less these days
= a Rivergirl who misses her time and space and energy!!!!

I'm not sure what the answer is.

In the past I have made time each night to think of 5 things which have been a positive part of my life on that day. This  may not take away my feelings of sadness straight away but I believe that it  helps balance out my "tiredness" and "down" feelings. I think that  life with SAD readily gives way to negative thinking so  this practice "trains" me to think more positively (even though I haven't been practising it lately). I first started using it when my mind was overwhelmed at nights from  worrying too much.

So today, I am grateful for...

• I went grocery shopping and now I've got some decent food in the house again!
• It's my television free night and I'm sticking to it.
• I've got something to look forward to- tomorrow I've organised to meet with another teacher for coffee before school. This is something I like to do but I rarely do because so many of my colleagues are busy with family etc.
• I'm glad I saw the opportunity last week to accept the coffee invitation when I could have said that early mornings are too hard for me.
• It's Tuesday night. Monday nights are a mad rush but Tuesday nights I can relax.
• Hey, I got to work earlier than usual. After a great start to the year (breakfast every morning, gettin to work with time to spare) I've returned to the days of old: get up, get dressed, run out. But today I got to work ten minutes earlier.
• ...which reminds me, I got to clean up a portion of the  mess on my desk at work; a very small portion but a portion nonetheless

So my strategies this week for combatting the blues and the energy drain:

1. Keep things in perspective. If possible separate the emotional from the practical.  "I am feeling down because I am sick and I am tired... and that's how it is right now."
2. Take time to focus on what has been good in your life today. Celebrate these moments.

Sunshine

When I started on this blog I was so looking forward to sharing many wonderful things about life. Yet, the last two weeks have been a struggle. Fatigue gave way to laryngitis and I almost felt I was starting to lose sight of what it was like to feel good and enjoy day-to-day living.
Then the sun came out. One thing that keeps me going in life is the sunshine. I can feel down and depressed but once that sun comes out it seems to signal to me a ray of hope, even if it's just the hope of finding beauty in my surroundings.
With the finer weather I got outside and did some gardening. Having something that lifts your spirits is so important. Knowing those things is an important gift to yourself. And if you're lucky those things will be available and inexpensive!
Some of the things that lift my spirits are

• working in the garden: I rarely get beyond the weeding stage but I love being out there
• listening to music: I've got my favourite music on my ipod, it's amazing what a good song can do for you
• sunshine: what a boost and when it comes after days of grey it's like gold
• a nice, hot bath: sometimes we forget to spoil ourselves

The last couple of weeks have been trying and tiring. After getting out in the garden yesterday I still found myself feeling very confined when I had to spend yet another evening on my own. I wanted to scream several times over the last few days but with a weakened voice I couldn't. It was very frustrating and it also got lonely.
 Thank goodness the sunshine came and rescued me!!

What lifts your spirits?