Missed opportunities

       

The other day I had a delightful conversation with a young colleague. She told me that she studied Vietnamese at university and has spent a lot of time over in Vietnam, working on her language skills. She speaks very well and has a good command of the tones which are very challenging for most western tongues.
I sat there admiring her and a little envious. In that moment I wished I had had the same opportunity in my life. Perhaps if I had learnt Vietnamese when I was younger I might have mastered those tones and remembered more than what I did learning it in my later years.
Some people get amazing opportunities, I thought. Imagine if such an opportunity had come my way!

I'm not fluent in any language though I've dabbled in a few. It has to be said that one of my greatest dreams would be to speak fluently in another language.
Shortly after that conversation with my colleague, my mind started ticking over. You see, I spent over four years, off and on, learning Vietnamese and tackling those tones. Some days it was hard enough remembering the words, let alone their tones as well. I stumbled my way through that experience and now I am left with a smattering of useful expressions such as "Go away", "Can you tell me how much it is to ....?" and, of course, "Oh, my goodness!"

And then it hit me. 

I did have my opportunity. 

I had four wonderful, exciting and difficult months in Italy when I was younger. I was a nanny. I stayed with a family who expected me to work hard but who were also very good, hardworking people. When I arrived there my conversational skills were rather slow and stilted. I could barely converse. By the time I left, I had learnt to speak conversational Italian with ease.
However, at that time, I had social anxiety and didn't know about it. I would cry each day as I handwashed the baby's clothes. I felt both elated at what I was experiencing and claustrophobic at the same time. I would dream about being back home waiting for my dad to walk up the drive, as he got home from work. There I was on the holiday of a lifetime. Days off were spent alone. I was missing time on my own, away from the ever present grandmother, so I could refuel. I didn't know how to negotiate. I didn't know how to draw on my inner resources. I didn't know how to make the most of each moment, each day, each precious opportunity as I desperately tried to live out my dream of being in Italy and immersed in the language.
So I kept crying each day as I washed the baby's clothes. And finally decided to leave the position. Prematurely. My dream job.
I tell this story to help people understand what happens with social anxiety. On the surface, a little shyness seems trivial. Nothing to worry about. And yet,  it affects people. It gets in the way of them reaching their true potential. It stops people fulfilling their dreams. It constantly leaves people with a sense of failure and inadequacy that hangs on much longer than necessary (OK....because we let it...).
And so that delightful conversation with my ccolleague  reminded me of the fragility social anxiety brings to people's lives. One of the hardest things I found living with SA was not being able to rely on myself. When confident and assured I could do great things. When anxious I would fumble and flounder and flee.
One of the reasons I  do this blog is to make people aware of social anxiety. I've been fortunate in my life that I can learn from my mistakes and I've been fortunate to have had counselling which has helped me cope better with daily life. It is my hope that by sharing some of my stories some readers might recognise social anxiety in someone they know. Knowing means you can do something about it (ultimately it's the person with social anxiety who has to make the change).

The pot-holed road is not as bumpy as it once was but, looking back,  it sure would have been easier to have had the option of travelling a smoother road and reaching a sunny destination, rather than having to cut the trip short each time!

Central Vietnam

Let go a little.

I realised the other night that I only have a week and a half of holidays left. I love holidays and the opportunity to immerse myself in a lot of “me” time. I also welcome the chance to do things without having to rush around and without having school preparation hanging over me. In the past I’ve tended to do a number of things that make me feel – dare I say – like my life is worthwhile. I really like to live life to the full and make the most of my free time.

For example, after holidays two years ago I was rapt to be able to say that I had been to Sydney for a week and done some beautiful bushwalks. I had done a lot of exercise and felt great. Or, there was the annual holiday in years gone by where I caught up with my friend in the country and came away feeling truly rejuvenated each and every time. In fact, I used to find visiting her was like going on a wonderful spiritual retreat. Of course, there have been many holidays where I have read memorable books, cleaned the house from top to bottom (almost!) or done some craft …

When I realised the other night that the holidays would soon be over, I felt that I was just getting into it and I worried that I had not  achieved much. This got me to thinking that perhaps I still need to work on developing a greater appreciation of the simple and simply embrace what is.

When I was young I often did well at school. I grew up feeling that my academic achievements made me worthwhile. When I struggled with life as an adult, organising to do an Italian short course or challenging myself to go for a walk each day of the holidays motivated me and took my mind off being alone and feeling worthless.

I’m not sure if this is a social anxiety trait or just a “me” trait, but I tend to hold on to what was brilliant in the past e.g. that Italian course, that Sydney holiday, and keep it as the benchmark for every other holiday.

I think it's time once again to let go a little and appreciate where I am right now. In other words, my simple holiday holds as much value as any other holiday. Last year I hurt my back and I thought I had a good reason for staying home so much. Nevertheless, I need to let go of  expectations whether I've got a sore back or not.

I hold on very tightly when something great happens, and similarly when something difficult happens. I need to work on tempering my responses. I remember my second year of teaching was dream-like, amazing, unforgettable. In subsequent years that second year became my benchmark against which all my teaching was measured.  Not only have I thought that way about

work but also with many other things in my life.

This holiday is not Sydney 2014. It’s January, 2016! Realistically, I had two wonderful days in South Australia. I enjoyed a lovely long walk along the beach. And I finally got to ride my new bike. You know, with a little time to reflect, this holiday is full of much that is good. There is much to celebrate: big and small!

Sometimes, it just takes a little time to reflect and a change of perspective to appreciate what is happening. I need to remind myself that accomplishments are not the only means to achieving a worthwhile life.  I hope I can remember to be aware of holding onto past experiences which I set in concrete as the barometer for today’s experiences, at the expense of being open to what the present holds.

Goals: Reading a book

One of the small delights in recent months has been getting back to reading books. Back in January I had made a list of goals for the year but reading a book was one of the more indulgent goals and one I didn’t think I would get to.

Well, I’m here now to say that I have got to it and I enjoy every moment. I must say that I have not read lots of books. In fact, I’ve only read three. I loved going back to China one hundred years ago when reading Keys to the Kingdom, by A J Cronin, with that delectable feeling of being carried away to a faraway land. Sheer delight!! I’m now reading End the Struggle and Dance with Life by Susan Jeffers. It’s my bible. It helped me get out of an enormous rut years ago and has helped me immeasurably dealing with social anxiety in my day-to-day life. I also read Herman Hesse's Siddhartha which was so easy to read and got me thinking about my own spiritual journey.

I don’t necessarily get to read a lot each week. I just try to grab a spare moment to get through a few pages.

It’s interesting how life’s little happenings conspire to bring about something bigger and better.

"I realised I would like to read again when I was decluttering  books on the bookshelf. I only keep books that resonate with me and my life and that still speak to me after years of sitting on the shelf and not being read. I decided that it would be great to read those books again.

"I have started picking up Mr S on the way home from work. It usually takes him more than two hours to get home. This means waiting at the train station, sometimes longer than expected. And there we have it – the perfect opportunity to get another chapter read!!

"One of my goals for 2015 was to reduce screen time. I have made (tiny, tiny) inroads towards that and reading is one of those ways.

So, I look forward to more book reading (you know, not the digital kind) and I can’t wait to get through my current one and experience the joy of selecting the next one.

Social Anxiety and Me This Week

Every day social anxiety is a part of my life. These days I'm fortunate enough that it does not overwhelm me. Well, not usually. More often than not I don't even notice its presence. I like to think it does not control me but as you'll see in the following example, that's not always the case. 

I didn't do menu planning this week so I went to the supermarket three times in a few days. I happened to see my neighbour who works on the cash registers.  I worried he might think I was weird for coming in more than once in a few days. Then I recalled that recently when I went to his cash register I had blushed, probably because I was in a hurry that day and feeling guilty for not being more organised.
Now, I really enjoy having the chance to chat with him as he is just about the only local person I know in this area who I do get to talk to. We do say hello to other neighbours but it's never more than passing small talk.

Yesterday, while having a typical SA moment of indecision as to whether I should go to his cash register or not, I plucked up the courage and focussed on being  in the "here and now".
I went to his cash register. Everything was OK.  We had a quick chat and I noted for a microsecond that I wasn't blushing and felt rather happy about that. The shopping was done and  I went on my way. 

The "here and now" strategy worked really well. "Here and now" was the mantra I learnt to use years ago when social anxiety was getting in the way of me being able to communicate with some of my colleagues. It was like a quick prompt when my mind was going off track.

As you can see in the example above, my mind can get distracted by a hundred trivial thoughts while I'm in the middle of even the simplest of interactions. 

In order to be focussed on the person I was talking to, I used to say to myself  "Right here and now" as a reminder to stop thinking about  what might have happened the week before or the year before and to stop worrying about what the other person might be thinking. Saying "here and now" signalled that I needed to get back on track i.e. get on with the very reason why I had come to see that person, right there and then. 

It's not something I mastered overnight but after practising for a couple of years, it got a lot easier.
It really helped on Tuesday when I wanted to be able to talk at that very moment and I didn't want social anxiety to stop me from having a friendly chat. 

Shift the focus

There's a lot I haven't done this week. I would love to wax lyrical about it all but, tempting as it is, I have decided to focus on what I did do this week.

I know that as someone with social anxiety I seem to have a natural bias towards the negative side of life experiences. My tendency is to worry, worry, worry and worry some more.
      "How was your party?"
      "It was good...the cake didn't turn out...I didn't get time to make the fabulous meat pie ....         I wanted to decorate the room a little but I was too busy...."
This would be my typical response to something which might actually have been enjoyed by all without any criticism. 

So here we go with a rundown of what I've done this week.  

I managed to have breakfast every morning before I left for work.
I managed to get to bed early one night.
I got the dishes done last night. I was about to walk away from the last few but, after thinking about it, determined it would pay to get them finished there and then.
I finished my reports.
I relished getting out in the garden last weekend, so much so that I'm going to try and include gardening time in this weekend.
I visited my mum.
I did yoga and it felt great. 
I  consulted my weekly planner several times and today I set up my work notebook so I get my to do list up and running again.
I bought myself new jeans and wore them this week.  
I started reading books again. Not electronic ones. Real paper ones. It was a totally delightful experience, and one I plan to continue.
I remembered to wear my glasses when watching TV. Much more enjoyable that way.

Sits above the sink while I do the dishes.

I found a beautiful use for something I was going to throw out...and what a superb-never to be beaten- incentive for getting those dished done!

It's too easy for me to slip into negative mode when life gets busy and stressful. It's important that I keep practising those habits that keep my SA in check. Just taking a few minutes to list "good things for this week" is enough to help me shift gear from negative to positive. Just a few minutes is enough to shift my focus. I feel better for it and the realisation makes me want to keep moving in the positive direction.  

Negativity is offputting to others and a drain on my own energy. Thinking about what works, what helps, what is good, is more lifegiving.  I just need to remember to stop and reflect from time to time so that I can keep track of how I'm going and to know when it's time to shift the focus and change gears again!

What I Can Do

 

 I don't feel well. I haven't felt great for a few days now. There's so much I want to do. I want to run. I want to garden. I want to create. I want to invite people over. Yet, I can't. I miss my days of planning and ticking off goals and tasks and feeling like I'm making the most of my life. 

   This morning, lying in bed and feeling too tired to get up, I wondered how to make sense of it. I've been reading lots of blogs as I haven't had enough energy for much else, but it has left my mind buzzing with stories of people who are running around doing hundreds of  things while I do nothing. 

   Then I remembered. Nearly twenty years ago, I was going through a slump. It was one of the worst times in my life and, back then, not knowing I had social anxiety, it was incredibly difficult to know what to do. I felt isolated at that time and no one really knew I was struggling. It was a time of transition. I had left a beautiful job and lifestyle for another one and it wasn't working out. In fact, the job was disastrous and I had to leave. 

   With no work, I used to sync my life with the TV. Oprah was on at 2:00 in the afternoon and after a dose of inspiration from her I would feel better about moving on with my day. One afternoon, still feeling very sorry for myself , Oprah was interviewing a young man who had lost so much and had so little. I was impressed to see how conscientious he was. It amazed me that he believed enough in himself to go to school, have goals and be determined to pass and go on to further study. 

   Oprah asked him how he managed to keep going. 

   He replied, "I just think about what I can do. I don't think about what I can't do." 

   Now those words have stayed with me. Very close to me. For the big challenges as well as the smaller ones. I may have mistaken the precise wording but I have never forgotten the lesson that young man taught me. I don't like to promote "big business" but I do want to acknowledge how important that program was to me at that time. 

I was so self-absorbed in what I couldn't do that I had forgotten what I could do.

   So this morning, I shared the story with Mr S and I realised that I need to approach my life this week with that in mind. It's frustrating not being able to do the things I love but there is still so much that I have and that I can do.

This week...
I can lie in bed while the rain pours down (not the whole week!).
I can see the sun shining over the park after the last downpour.
I can still try to keep up my water intake.
I can still try to be mindful of my internet usage.
I've got two lovely classes of students so I think I can still keep teaching without losing my voice and taking time off work.
I can make sure that I monitor my health and rest as much as possible.
I can prioritise what needs to be done.
I can dream about all those projects and dreams I want to work on when I do feel stronger!

Just do one thing before you sit down

When I come home from work I find all I want to do is sit down and veg. Some days I have no energy. My inclination when I walk through the door is to sit down on the couch as quickly as possible. The problem is that I usually have plenty of things to do, including getting a meal ready. 

One day, after thinking about my time-wasting habits,  I realised that flopping down on the couch was the crucial point at which I was choosing to "slack off".  I realised that I needed to change what I did right at that point. Ever the queen of making life easy, I challenged myself to do just one thing before I sat down. I figured that would lighten the workload at least a little. I don't believe in work, work, work but I know that relax, relax, relax is counter-productive as well!

So, one thing is what I try to do before I sit down and succumb to the need to veg out after I come home from work. Keeping it simple, is the key!! I usually assign myself something easy to do, such as put ten things away (yep, there can be a lot of mess sometimes), before I have a cuppa, or clean the basin, then have a snack.

You might have already guessed what I'm going to say next. After I do one job I feel a sense of achievement and I find myself doing a little bit more. The ten things I pick up, quickly and easily, become twenty things. While  I give the living room a quick tidy-up, I start working out what I need to do for dinner. The other day I decided to water the pot plants and I took a quick walk around the garden.  Most of the plants are dying off after the summer season but I found a zucchini ready to pick. 

This is also where a meal plan works well for me. It helps if I start on the meal preparation before I sit down. I sometimes feel daunted by the task of cooking a meal after a day's work, so it is much easier when I don't have to think  too much about what I'm going to cook. I apply the same principle to meal prep: just do one thing for the meal before I take a rest. More often than not, I end up cooking the whole meal.

I recommend doing just one thing when you need to do work but can't be bothered or you're just too tired. It makes life a little  bit easier and lightens the load with minimal effort. And, if you're lucky, you'll probably end up doing more than you set out to do!

Some of this probably sounds outlandish to busy parents who don't always have the luxury of free time before mealtimes.  To tell you the truth, I'm not sure how they do it. 
I do know that  in the years gone by I would be totally drained at times by being with other people.  There would have been times when I felt worthless (and worse) and it was very hard to turn around and do a simple task such as nourish myself with good food. Social anxiety can be extremely taxing on the mind and body. 

Navigating potholes in the road of life.

It seems that the last couple of months have been one pothole in the road after another.

Tonight a mechanic told me that my car is in no condition to be driven. Not even to the garage to be fixed.  Last week I took Mr S up to his new job in the country and the realisation hit that he needs a car to manage that job. Up until now he was happy taking public transport. All of a sudden a new car is on the must-do list and that certainly wasn't part of the plan for 2015.

Yet, we're both OK and as frazzled as I've been, at times, we're managing fine, which got me to thinking: "Why?"  Years ago, I would have cried, felt burdened and  been down on myself.

When I look back I can see that many of the challenges I encountered through the years have actually made it easier for me to deal with what I face now in my life.

I remember backpacking many years ago. I was terrified before I set off. At that time, my friends were married and settled while I was still navigating the hassle of life. However I so wanted to go travelling, nothing would stop me. I remember challenging myself to go into Target alone and not walk out straight away. I figured if I were going to travel the world I might need to practise walking around new places by myself.  That's right. As a young woman in my twenties, it was quite a challenge to go into a small, quiet department store and actually wander around.

So that particular day I did it, excruciating as it was. 

I ended up travelling the world for 11 months on my own.

That was the year I learned that dreams can come true. I came to realise that if you really want something you can find a way to do it. What I also know is that life may not be easy... but amazing things  can still happen one way or another. It helps to remember this when the going gets tough.

at the bus-stop

A few years ago I noticed I was getting really impatient, stressed and upset waiting in traffic. I eventually decided that I needed to tackle the problem instead of getting frustrated and upset. 

So these last few weeks, as I waited for buses that didn't come, I was  reminded that getting upset and stressing hurts no one but me.  I've learned that no amount of cursing will make that bus come any faster, nor will my anger allow me to find a better way of dealing with the situation.

I watched my dad die slowly. I've seen friends deal with infertility. I have students who don't have a parent. Over time, all of these personal encounters  have taught me how to keep things in perspective. 

Waiting at the bus stop might be an inconvenience but that doesn't mean my life is no longer abundant. It's a pothole in the road, and I  need to walk around it and get on with the journey.

I have to be honest. For me these lessons took a very long time and it's only with hindsight that I can see the value of those earlier life experiences.

So now, when I'm faced with a car that doesn't work and a partner whose job is far from home, I know that tears and self-deprecation are not effective coping strategies. The fact is life is really OK. I'm now extremely grateful that my life experiences have included inconveniences and experiences of hardship. I'm grateful that I faced them- even if begrudgingly- knowing that today I am better equipped than ever to navigate  those potholes in the road.

walking home

Happy SAD Thoughts

Having SAd is something that is always with me. More often than not I forget I have it. However, I cannot forget forever. SAd has a way of knocking on my door and reminding me that it has a fixed place in my life. At times like that I realise  I need to work at keeping myself grounded and in the position where I can mange my SAd easily.

There are many things I do that help me stay centred. Getting enough sleep is a high priority. Exercise has helped me use my energy in a productive way and leaves me feeling good. I try to work out three times a week but most times it's once or twice. I have hobbies that nourish me, such as gardening and I recognise other practices which give me a boost. Having a chai latte is simple enough. It warms me inside and provides an excuse to relax and enjoy a few moments of solitude. 

One of the key ways that keeps my thoughts grounded is by reading and watching out for inspiration from other people and sources. Getting a regular fix of both positive and challenging ideas makes it easier for me to think positively and challenge the negative thoughts. I often look out on pinterest for meaningful quotes and I always welcome finding reports in the newspaper that shine a light on social anxiety.

This week I came across this clip via Life behind the purple door . Dayarne at Simple joys and silver linings  shares her experience of anxiety. She's made a video in which she speaks frankly and simply about what anxiety has been like for her. I think it helps immensely to know others out there have gone through what I have and to know I am not alone in this. It is also great to have role models and to see how others forge on - with their anxiety- and move forward with their life. 

I firmly believe the more we talk about social anxiety the easier it will be for those who have it but are not aware of it to find ways to manage it. It would have been so good, when I was young and struggling, to have had some strategies to turn to, or some role models to look up to and I'm talking about helping me just to get through the day.
If you would like to see more words of inspiration, have a look at my pinterest board of Happy SAd Thoughts.

This week I'd like to leave you with some words of inspiration.
As you can see I'm an amateur when it comes to presenting quotes myself.... 
Have a lovely Sunday.

On being frugal in 2015

(My computer has gone "kaput" so no recent photos but I found some oldies. Enjoy.)

Well, my friends, 2015 is the year I incorporate frugality into my vocabulary. Don't get me wrong. I have always been relatively cautious with my spending, but the word "frugal" is one I have never wanted to adopt. 
Growing up we had little to no money for spending. Back then, it wasn't so much about being frugal. It was a matter of not spending because there was no money to spend. One had to be frugal to manage the pennies each week.

I think because I have social anxiety, asserting my needs and wants has been something I was never able to do. In many ways, I really didn't know what I wanted, let alone know how to impose that on someone else. When I was younger, there is no way I would have asked my mum for the latest pair of jeans or some cool top or a neat line of stationery. When I first started to work in a permanent position on a fixed income, I literally didn't know how to spend. I would constantly think of what might happen if I overspent and didn't have any money left. Again, social anxiety at work!
I had to learn to spend. I had to learn to enjoy my money. And eventually I did. 
But this was not about being frugal. This was about not knowing how to be with money, even though in the course of growing up and being fearful of overspending, I actually learnt many useful ways of saving money.

I think I have been averse to "frugality" because it often seems to be about putting money above people or money above the quality of a product or experience. Of course, different people have different priorities. 
For me, I want nourishing food over cheap, processed foodstuffs. I want a long-lasting garment which can be worn and enjoyed over a $3 bargain which was made by whom? where? under what conditions? and of what quality? 
For so many years I found it hard to connect with people and neither did I eat a wide range of food when younger. So as I got older, I made it a priority to accept invitations to eat with friends and colleagues, even though I might not each as much as them at a restaurant and we would be sharing the bill. A chance to (learn to) be with people was what counted.

Fast-froward to 2015. 
My partner is very frugal. He wants to finish off all the food in the fridge and not throw anything out. Every penny is important to him. I want to respect what is important in his life and I want to support his endeavours. So this year, 2015, I have increased the repayments of the mortgage. I've realised that if I practise some of Mr S's money-wise habits this is something we can manage, not forgetting the fact I love setting myself a challenge. 
I'm working on the philosophy of every penny counts. A lot of good money habits also resonate with my goal to live simply and make choices that are earth-friendly and people-friendly. In addition to keeping a budget, spending wisely and living simply, here are some of the ways I hope to save a little:

• think twice before grabbing a cinnamon roll or snack from the bakery
• use the wood heater for heating when winter comes, once a week, and sometimes use candles rather than electric light 
• return library books on time (which I did yesterday, knowing this was now part of the challenge - to avoid the fines which I always get)
• turn off the power switches when not in use
• turn off the TV when I'm not actually watching it (consider one TV-free day a week)
• use my phone to alert me to due dates so that bills are paid on time and no extra payments incurred.
• lunch at school gobbles up  my money....try to take food from home at least three times a week

I expect that by putting these things into practise it will actually make me think twice about all spending. So, 2015, here comes Ms Congeniality Frugality!! 

Living in the shadows: A quick message of encouragement.

One of my main reasons for blogging is to create a gentle awareness of social anxiety and  to encourage people to do something about it. A few days ago I came across some long-ago memories of my walk with social anxiety when I was cleaning out the shed.

Thoughts I had on social anxiety aged 31. Not knowing that "the shadows" had a name.

               Why do I feel as if I am standing in the shadows?
               I want to step out
               But there is no place for me

               In the shadows 
               I busy myself
              Caught up happily in life's demands
              Until again 
              The beauty of light flickers my way
              And I stop and look

              There is beauty in the shadows
              But the light is where life blooms.

That day in the shed I spent a long time flicking through pages and pages of those old diaries and letters. The letters brought back the most wonderful memories of  my first year backpacking alone and my later years working abroad.  However, the diaries were  a little more revealing. They showed, in detail, the struggle that was a part of my everyday life.

When I returned from working overseas my friends, who were by that time long-married, were having their first and second children.  I found it hard to reconnect with them. I was struggling to go out on weekends. I was struggling to find someone to share a coffee with. I wanted to go for walks but I was too embarrassed, too shy, too uncomfortable. I wanted to meet people but I found it so hard. I felt terribly lonely and my diaries show the first signs of cynicism entering my life during that time.

I don't feel that I am living in the shadows anymore. Sure, life is sometimes lonely and challenging. I see that now as a normal part of being human. I believe social anxiety will always be a part of my life but I try not to let it define me.  Nowadays, I have clocked up hundreds of walks by myself and this year I started to run by myself. (Needless to say, this did not happen overnight.)

But the change from struggling with life to engaging with life only came about when I started to go to counselling with a professional.

If you're familiar with this hidden struggle, I'd like to offer you a message of encouragement. Perhaps you would like to learn  how to step out from the shadows. I hope you get an opportunity in 2015 to  see a counsellor or psychologist, if you haven't already, so that you can begin the journey to a more light-filled  life.

Life doesn't always have to be about living in the shadows. 

DISCLAIMER:
I write this blog from a personal perspective.
I am not an expert nor a professional regarding the subject of social anxiety.
When I offer a definition of what social anxiety is, it may not be what the experts say it is. It is simply my interpretation of my experience of it.

Christmas 2014: Simply Special

These days I keep Christmas very simple. It's a conscious choice  but I think it first came about with not having my own family and being a stay-at-home sort of person.

I usually do some special treats for the kids in my class. I always have one or two or several students who don't have parents or who don't have much, so it's a pleasure to do something nice for them. We usually put up a Christmas tree which the kids love. I catch them taking photos when no one is looking!!

Working closely with young people who may not have family and who may not have much money makes it easy for me to look past all the glitz and glamour of the Christmas season. I don't have to look far to see that just because it is Christmas time and just because there are wonderful gifts to be bought, does not in any way equate to what these young people are missing in their lives - no matter what the advertising gurus and big businesses try to tell us.

I have to admit that I have had a number of years when I have felt terribly sad about having to celebrate another Christmas on my own. In fact, it is probably the cynic in me which got me started on a very simple Christmas.  (Said at some point in the past, with bitter overtones: Well, it's not like anyone's gonna see anything I set up; I could do a fantastic job and no one would ever know.") One year I put up the bare minimum out of spite. Now I choose to keep it simple because I find it is more practical, more eco-friendly and just as beautiful.

I have a small Christmas tree which I use each year at school. Mr S is here with me this year so I have decided to put it up here at home. Most of the decorations on the tree have been gifts while a few are souvenirs of faraway lands. I add some tinsel here and there around the house - without removing what's already in place.

Then I set up the nativity scene. I bought it at a local market about twelve years ago. Even though it's "cute", I've come to love it dearly. There's something very calming and serene about it.

Christmas 2014 is very special because this is the first year I will be able to share it with someone who is a very special part of my life. Social anxiety, for me and many others, means that relationships are neither easy to come by nor easy to hold on to. Relationships are something which many people take for granted but with SA they can be a constant source of angst. So I'm really very grateful that this opportunity has come my way and that Christmas 2014 is pretty simple and pretty special.

A small, but welcome, victory - saying no!

In the last few weeks I’ve said ‘no’ three times. And I’m mighty pleased with that. I am still surprised that after all these years I actually did it.

 Saying anything can be excruciating when social anxiety plagues you. I remember years ago not being able to get the words "thank you" out when a cute guy borrowed my ruler and gave it back to me. These days I can usually say most of what I want to say. In fact, sometimes I chide myself for talking too much. However, one thing which is still a challenge is saying no, especially to friends.

Recently a friend invited me to her husband’s 55^th birthday. I didn’t want to go because I’m more of a cup of coffee and a really good chat type of person  than a party person. I knew that party would go for hours. But they are very, very  special friends so I decided to pop in for a couple of hours and then leave quietly.

It felt weird breaking the flow of that evening and daring to say I’ve gotta go.” People often say “stay a little bit longer” but I knew I just had to say no back and within seconds they would be back to their socialising and merrymaking. I knew I just had to keep my head up and “act” like I was making a confident exit.

It worked a treat.

A couple of days later a friend invited me to dinner on a worknight. I didn’t  want to go but when I said no she insisted I pop in on the way home for a short time. I agreed to that. Saying no is not always easy and I can see I’m not always going to get it right. But that night I once again had to interrupt the flow of the evening and state aloud that I needed to go….which is really, really difficult. It means I have to be assertive for a few seconds and that is not easy.

I think it helped making a little plan for myself before I went to both occasions.

The third time was last week. I said no to the end-of-year work do. I did want to go but I was very tired and I knew it was my first chance in a long time to relax properly. I thought about it and figured I would be just as happy to stay home as to go out.

And I think that’s the key. Sometimes I feel guilty for saying no. I know that I tend to consider what pleases other people (what I perceive others to want) and disregard what it is I want to do. I need to make the decision based on what I want to do.  This doesn’t mean the ultimate decision will be what my first preference is.   

That’s why these three occasions mark a small victory. Because I acknowledged what I wanted to do and I based my final decision on that.  I felt stronger for going through the motions of being assertive, even though initially it felt a little strange.

 I look forward to my next opportunity for saying no!

Social Anxiety: A positive perspective

 

I think having SAD can sometimes be seen as a negative. However, I have to say that I like the quiet, more reserved members of our species. Just as we need outgoing, talkative people in this world, I find people who are reserved and less forthcoming have an air of mystery about them. I have not met anyone who has SA but I know a number of people who are worriers and who find being around people can make them highly anxious.  I find they have struggled during their lives and yet they forge on. It seems to me that people who have SA possess an inner fortitude.

SA seems to go hand in hand with struggle, stress and sensitivity but that doesn’t mean it comes without its good points. When I recognise someone who might have SA, I welcome the sensitivity they often bear. I know that person has any number of talents which will only be revealed when the time and space is right.  To me that is a good thing.  I don't want friendship that comes in a blaze of lights and fizzes away to nothing just as quickly as it came.

 

SA is difficult but like everything it has plenty of good things about it. Like the turtle and the hare, getting to know someone with SA is like the turtle: slow but steady!!

 

Embrace Social Anxiety today.

Sian Prior- a shy Australian (who made it big!)

I subscribe to Richard Fidler’s weekly program (ABC radio) of in-depth interviews. All free! I don’t actually get much time to listen to them so I pick and choose which ones I will listen to.

One day, not too long ago, I went through the list and, to my surprise, there was an interview with a woman who would talk about being shy. Without question that was the one I selected over and above all the others.

In the interview, Australian writer, Sian Prior , talks about her experience of growing up feeling shy and of what it is like to be socially anxious.

I listened to all she had to say and I quietly rejoiced, for in that moment, we, Australians who have social anxiety, were being given a voice that reached beyond the hidden corners of our normal refuges. This was a significant interview for it was the first time in Australia I had really heard people officially talking about social anxiety.

As is the case for many articles and interviews, Sian Prior’s interview coincided with the publication of her book: Shy: a memoir.

So much of what she said resonated with my own experience of being shy. I am happy that there is a book out there expounding a case for social anxiety but I won’t be buying the book. As Sian shared some of her memories of growing up I had to acknowledge it was uncomfortable revisiting some of those difficult times. But that's just me.

I commend Sian Prior for what she has done.

 

 Congratulations to the ABC, our national free-to-air broadcaster, for providing a whole week of programming aimed at fostering a healthy understanding of mental health issues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to blogging

I’m back.

Back to blogging.

I like writing. My life feels as if it has greater purpose when I reflect and write.

I like keeping track of my pot-holed journey along the road to happiness, living simply and making the most of what each day brings.

 

But most of all, I want to be a voice for those who know SAd. Or perhaps, more to the point, I want to be a voice for those who don’t know SAd. I think the most difficult thing facing those with SAd is not knowing they have it and all the while trying desperately to advance their life to little or no avail.

Come and join me as I share a little more of my simple, happy, SAd life.



Enjoying the local neighbourhood.




My tiny apple tree.

Along the garden path.