2011 and 2012: Moving past the obstacles.

Holidays!
After months of work and stress and worry, I can actually sit here, on this delightfully sunny day, look at the blog title and think: The pot holes don't worry me! Yet only a few days ago I felt I had been stepping in the pot-holes and getting caught. Certainly, for me, time and space enable me to centre and ground myself. And with the sun shining, hibiscus blooming and fingers on the keyboard, I can only feel positive about the lazy days ahead of me.

Since I broke up from work I've been trying to recover a more positive sense of who I am and where I'm at (keeping in mind the reality of  some of life's experiences that tend to draw me away from all of that).

OK. Step one: Focus on the positive. Even when the days are gloomy and hard work, there are things to be grateful for. This doesn't mean you have to ignore the difficulties. It means that you have to be careful that the negative is not the only side you look for. The postive is there if you care to look.

Now: Step two. Hmmmm.
Well, for me it's journalling but others may have another way of ensuring that you keep life in perspective, that your worries don't dominate your life and you remain aware of where you're at.
Interestingly I've found parts of this year were challenging and left me feeling rather flat about life. But during these months I was not journalling, I was not practising gratitude and I was not indulging in those activities that make me feel good about myself. 
Years ago, before I went to counselling and learnt about SAD, the one thing that really helped me clear my head of excess negativity was the journalling. I got the idea for spilling it all out from The Vein of Gold by Julia Cameron (She refers to Morning Pages rather than journalling). I find that when I journal I get my feelings out and I'm able to discern my mood. Almost naturally, I find myself wanting to end the journalling with a positive outlook. I tend to challenge myself to make the best of what I have in that moment. The journalling helps bring me back to the present and allows me to see whether my jottings are too negative or not.
The great thing about the journalling is that you can write anything. I am so honest when I journal. It's surprising how therapeutic it can be without even trying.

Summer is here.
Barwon Heads, Victoria

2011 and 2012 Moving the obstacles out of the way

It's been such a long time since I was last here. I've been busy with work, looking after children and with just tackling  the fatigue and lethargy that comes along.

The end of the year saw me looking after some young people when at the start of 2011 I had gritted my teeth and decided to face the grim fact that I would never be capable of looking after children in my home except for the occasional weekend. Life has surprised me and it has brought a smile to my face. Somehow, it makes for a peaceful sleep at night. Somehow the house does not seem so cavernous!

I had a chance at love and blew it. This put a damper on the rest of the year. I sent a lovely Christmas card to the man in question, hoping to convince him to make another go of it. It's just really hard trying to explain to the uninitiated that SAD can make you say the stupidest things and act in the weirdest way. SAD or not, I am responsible and again I have sabotaged a chance at happiness for myself (and for him :)) I'm in my 40s now so I don't wear this sort of result very well.  It's not easy facing the rest of your life on your own and pretending that you don't care for companionship as you step out into the world each day.  Well, I could go on and on....  I don't want to be negative about life, a trap I can easily fall into, but it's hard to get excited about a life on my own amid people whose lives are full of intimacy and relationships.


Any advice on how to deal with it?

So it's time to prepare for 2012. And the challenge is to try to approach it positively. And right now I don't think I can do it. So bear with me as I try to work out a way to overcome those obstacles getting in the way.

Here goes.
Step 1

Focus on what is good in your life. Yes, bad things happen but don't lose sight of the good stuff.

Life is good right now.
Today ...

• I was tired and I could sleep it off without worrying about work or getting someone's meal.
• It was a gloomy morning but by evening the sun had come out and the day seemed cheerier.
• I had a delicious, healthy, store-bought risotto (Pitango).
• I got to listen to some podcasts which I don't usually have time for. 
• The holidays are here. Hooray!
• I did things as I pleased today, in my own time and in my own way.
• I felt a bit strange about being on my own but I persevered and, really, the day was pleasant. 

Life has given me many good things this year.
In 2011...

• My year ended with me fostering children, after having "dropped" that dream. It was enjoyable and I managed it without too much stress.
• There were some difficult times at work. But, the first three months were truly wonderful. I love it when you go to work and you experience the joy of the craftmanship of your work, as well as the privilege of working with such delightful young people.
• After ten years of drought, we've had lots of rain all year. There are flowers growing in my garden which I haven't seen for so long. And I finally got the back yard garden patch cleared and mulched. It's ready to be an organic vegie garden.
• And I started my first blog. It took a long time to get up the courage to put myself out there in the bloggersphere and I've got a fair way to go. But, I did start and I did do it!!! And I feel good about that. 

A Paler Shade of Green

One simple thing I do to support my environment is to use green bags. I love this gesture as it's easy, demonstrative, achievable.....

Yet, in the last few weeks my effort has been rather poor! On holidays overseas I felt it was not always appropriate to be rejecting someone's attempt to provide quality service. I know that as westerners we may think it necessary to impose our values on others in the name of the environment but I like to tread lightly and respectfully  when I am on someone else's land. While we cry out that it's a waste the poor shop assistant may feel that they have not fulfilled their responsibility in providing the bag.

The last couple of weeks I have been busy adjusting to having a young person in my home. As I've said before, it's very exciting and a welcome challenge. Anyway, I've found that I no longer have that quiet, exclusive space when I shop. So I've accepted bags, time after time, before realising what's happening. I tell myself later that I will not do it the next time. But it keeps happening!!

Do you find that as a SAD person even with the best of intentions it's hard to do what you really want to do as your mind turns over so many things?

So let me go now and put the green shopping bags in the car. Then I won't have to put off my shopping as I did today, because I had no green bags and I was determined not to use another plastic bag!!

David Brown's House
former hill station
at the top of Penang Hill
Malaysia

Have a good week!

A few quick jottings.

I've been away on holidays and I have a young person staying with me so I haven't had as much time online lately. I miss my computer indulgence but it's been interesting to see that there is life outside of cyberland.

The travelling was great. I love discovering another corner of this wondrous world.  It gives me great pleasure to know humanity in its many forms and guises and to see more and more how beautiful our earth is.

I think having a young person in the house enables me to experience a different reality. I get to find out who really is hot at the moment (Justin Beiber, in case you didn't know) and what kind of shoes are fashionable.  But more than those things, I get to eat good food because I've got a reason to make the extra effort. And I get to do things with someone. It's a luxury to have someone to make dinner with and to have someone who helps around the house. It's a nice change to not have to think about myself ad nauseum. And aside from all that it's been lovely getting to know another person.

On a SAD note, I haven't had much time to sit around and dwell on my self-centred thoughts. My inner chatterbox has taken delight in being more in the moment,  whether it's tasting Thai food or listening attentively as someone talks about their hopes for graduation.

It makes me wonder what more could I be doing in my life each day if I didn't take so much time to reflect on the day's happenings, on my misgivings, on my day dreaming on how life could really be. 

It's been really nice to eat well so regularly and to enjoy looking after the space I live in. Don't get me wrong! I do eat good food and I do look after my home at other times.  But somehow I'm doing a much better job at the moment.    Why,  I came home this evening from yoga and cleaned the bathroom. Unbelievable! (And it's a weeknight!)

Happy SAD Moments

Happy SAD Moments
I've always been a little shy about my hair. Yes, my hair. I have big ears so, in true SAD fashion,   I've learnt over the years to hide them behind my luscious locks. Not forgetting, of course, my high forehead. Yes, ever a SAD person, I make sure my foreheard is always covered by some sort of fringe. This has led to a frustratingly restricted number of hairstyles and, dare I say,  a preoccupation with things that are not that important in the big scheme of life. Nevertheless...

Then the other day, out of sheer desperation I twirled a few hairs and stuck a pin in them. Nothing fancy. Something I've always wanted to do. In fact, something I've always done at home when noone else is looking!!  But that day, I hadn't washed my hair, it badly needed a cut, the greys were showing through and it was just plain unruly.
So in went the pin.  And the next day and the next...and I loved it. I loved giving my hair a little twirl and changing its style .
Yes, it's probably been thirty years since I was creative with my hair. I actually felt young again. I felt that I could have fun and not have to maintain my typically conservative persona.
The unbelievable happened when one of my younger and more fashionable colleagues commented that my hair looked really nice styled in that way. Whippee!!!!! And there I was quite resigned to showing the greys and being a bit of a dag (=1970's slang for being uncool). Her comment still brings a smile to my face.

I'm glad that I felt comfortable enough in myself to change my hair even if it was out of necessity. And even if it took 30 years.

SAD has a way of enslaving you.

I had happily tried different styles when I was about 14 but someone I respected showed their disapproval. I listened to them. If only I had realised that one person's comments are only absolute if I allow them to be.  I clearly hadn't developed my sense of who I was and what I liked. For me, it had to come from someone else. The safe way. The SAD way!


Take a different road and see where it leads you.

As Green As Can Be- That's Me!

I live a life as green as can be, which means that sometimes I'm not very green. When my energy is low green living doesn't happen very much. When I feel good, I love the challenge of finding ways I can be greener here at my suburban patch.

Some of my green goals are:

• Buy thoughtfully; buy local, buy eco-friendly, not buy at all, reduce packaging
• Save paper; reduce photocopying; recycle paper, introduce students to recycled paper for some tasks, go electronic
• Walk where possible and use public transport; I'm not very organised  and I'm quite busy at times so this goal happens sometimes
• Eat fresh and home-cooked food

Now it may surprise and even shock some readers that I occasionally buy from the take-away franchises, rarely buy in bulk and sometimes come home with a plastic bag I don't really want.

My priority is to eat. Full-stop. Eating green is really my second priority. I've never been a big eater and when I engage in a task I forget about everything else.  There have been times over the years when I chose not to buy products because they weren't green enough and then when I got hungry there was nothing to eat. So I will eat fast food if the alternative is too insubstantial and I've got no time to prepare something. I will buy individual items if the alternative- given my lifestyle and how I manage it- means that uneaten food is wasted.

September
Lately I've notched up a few greenie points (these are the green version of brownie points) in the following ways:

• I finally got a bike. It needs some adjustments. Hopefully these holidays I can check out the local bike path that goes through the grasslands. I also want to try riding to the local shops and library....
• No TV on Tuesdays. Still feels weird! But I'm actually thinking about trying to be more selective about what I watch as well as thinking about making another time in the week when I rule out TV. I often put it on for company.
• On Saturday I bought a new jacket. I managed to say no to the store assistant. when she offered me one of their glossy bags.
• Three cheers because lately I've been remembering my green shopping bags!!!
• Using lemons off the tree in the backyard (it's the closest I get to producing my own food)

Feeling down: No easy answer.

I'm an idealist. I love to dream. I love to sit back and reflect on life. From time to time I find myself reading lots of articles about Living Life to the Full, Being Happy, Life is What You Make It.

I truly wonder whether some of those writers have had a life where they constantly have to deal with  health issues  and whether they've ever had to make do on their own, day after day, year after year. It seems to me that, in their world, living a good, healthy life naturally and easily results in finding a fabulous life-with partner- in a few weeks or months.

Oh, I wish my life were like that!

With this in mind I often feel disappointed  when I can't live up to those expectations. In the last few days I've found myself coming home wanting to cry. I try to tell myself that I am happy but the truth is that for some unclear reason I am not.

I have been busy and I'm finally managing to shake off a bug. Last night I went to yoga relaxation class only to return home tired and with more book work to do. The dishes were not done for the second night in a row (hopefully tonight I'll get them done). Monday nights are always stressful.

I need to be level-headed at these times and not get carried away with the emotions.

I am tired +
I have had a bug and I haven't shaken it off completely +
I have been busy +
My new class is very demanding and the level is new to me +
I am getting out less and less these days
= a Rivergirl who misses her time and space and energy!!!!

I'm not sure what the answer is.

In the past I have made time each night to think of 5 things which have been a positive part of my life on that day. This  may not take away my feelings of sadness straight away but I believe that it  helps balance out my "tiredness" and "down" feelings. I think that  life with SAD readily gives way to negative thinking so  this practice "trains" me to think more positively (even though I haven't been practising it lately). I first started using it when my mind was overwhelmed at nights from  worrying too much.

So today, I am grateful for...

• I went grocery shopping and now I've got some decent food in the house again!
• It's my television free night and I'm sticking to it.
• I've got something to look forward to- tomorrow I've organised to meet with another teacher for coffee before school. This is something I like to do but I rarely do because so many of my colleagues are busy with family etc.
• I'm glad I saw the opportunity last week to accept the coffee invitation when I could have said that early mornings are too hard for me.
• It's Tuesday night. Monday nights are a mad rush but Tuesday nights I can relax.
• Hey, I got to work earlier than usual. After a great start to the year (breakfast every morning, gettin to work with time to spare) I've returned to the days of old: get up, get dressed, run out. But today I got to work ten minutes earlier.
• ...which reminds me, I got to clean up a portion of the  mess on my desk at work; a very small portion but a portion nonetheless

So my strategies this week for combatting the blues and the energy drain:

1. Keep things in perspective. If possible separate the emotional from the practical.  "I am feeling down because I am sick and I am tired... and that's how it is right now."
2. Take time to focus on what has been good in your life today. Celebrate these moments.

Sunshine

When I started on this blog I was so looking forward to sharing many wonderful things about life. Yet, the last two weeks have been a struggle. Fatigue gave way to laryngitis and I almost felt I was starting to lose sight of what it was like to feel good and enjoy day-to-day living.
Then the sun came out. One thing that keeps me going in life is the sunshine. I can feel down and depressed but once that sun comes out it seems to signal to me a ray of hope, even if it's just the hope of finding beauty in my surroundings.
With the finer weather I got outside and did some gardening. Having something that lifts your spirits is so important. Knowing those things is an important gift to yourself. And if you're lucky those things will be available and inexpensive!
Some of the things that lift my spirits are

• working in the garden: I rarely get beyond the weeding stage but I love being out there
• listening to music: I've got my favourite music on my ipod, it's amazing what a good song can do for you
• sunshine: what a boost and when it comes after days of grey it's like gold
• a nice, hot bath: sometimes we forget to spoil ourselves

The last couple of weeks have been trying and tiring. After getting out in the garden yesterday I still found myself feeling very confined when I had to spend yet another evening on my own. I wanted to scream several times over the last few days but with a weakened voice I couldn't. It was very frustrating and it also got lonely.
 Thank goodness the sunshine came and rescued me!!

What lifts your spirits?

Nothing

Tuesday is my blog night. It's one night a week I know I can get some time to write.
BUT
I've just spent the last 30 minutes trying to sign in.
Now I've got no more energy left.
Time to sleep.

Maybe just a photo...

It was a really difficult time but...

It's been a funny old week. I've not been getting a lot of sleep which is making me tired and grumpy. It seems no matter how much time I put into my work- including unpaid time at home- it's never enough. I've been feeling tired and stressed.
A few years ago I had a young person stay with me for a few months. It ended up being an extremely difficult time. At that stage I did not know about social anxiety so there were many instances when I needed to be firmer but I wasn't. This resulted in a lot of unnecessary stress.
Several years ago I lost my father and it was a very painful process. I grieved for a long time, mostly on my own. It was one of my toughest experiences watching him die and trying to make sense of his death.
Through all of these difficult times I'm always amazed at what comes out of it.
Before Dad died I really didn't know how to acknowledge my feelings. I knew how to say what I believed others wanted me to feel but I could not actually recognise my own feelings. Through the turmoil of grief I turned to counselling. Through counselling  I finally  learnt to identify my own feelings. Through all that pain I learnt many vital life lessons.
When the young person stayed with me I had very little time to dwell on my thoughts which made me see how much I get caught up in my own thinking when I am on my own. This helped me realise that in one way or another my inner chatterbox gets carried away when the reins are let loose, and that perhaps it is something which I can change.
This last week I have not enjoyed the stress but amidst all the weariness I  managed to do something I have wanted to do for so long. I love nature and in my little suburb there's almost none. Almost. Except for now. We have a grasslands area with ponds and ducks, swans, lots of trees and open space. Yes, it is between a long line of back fences and a big electrified wire fence which  protects the grasses. But it is a little haven with a beautiful path winding through it. and it is so close to my home I can't believe I had never tried it.
For three years I had wanted to go there but I've always hesitated and chosen to go around the block instead  or  just  stay at home. I was always a little anxious about visiting somewhere new and feared that I might find silly young people around, causing havoc. What I did find was peace and tranquillity and enough openness for me to sing my heart out without bothering anyone.The walk was invigorating on a cold, Sunday morning and I felt mighty chuffed by my achievement. I hope to make it a weekly ritual.
The fact is I only got there because last Sunday morning, I was getting too caught up in my "down" thinking  and I wanted to cry out of frustration. The idea of walking around the block depressed me.... but I wanted to shake off the blues, somehow. I thought, if only I could escape to the bush and nothave to worry about work and everything here...and then the grasslands came to mind!

By the way, when I got there. no young ones were wreaking havoc, just  a variety of individuals  out walking vigorously. 
(The photo is not of our local grasslands but taken in bushland another hour  inland)
Have you ever found that something really difficult showed you the way to something new and enlightening?

Moments of Inspiration

It's been quite a week of inspiration. The introvert that I am, I often find my sources of inspriation in obscure reading and internet surfing and the like. This week I have been privileged enough to experience this so close to home.

• I visited very good friends of mine in their new home last weekend. It's a lovely big home, well-built, many rooms and in a good part of town. I am rather envious. Then they decided to tell me about their visitor who was on his way to their place. It turns out that he is homeless. I was gobsmacked ( and wondering at what point they would realise that they could only wind up getting hurt). My friend, B, had seen him in the park on the way to work and had started talking to him. Then she decided to share a meal with him once a week. She has since introduced him to another friend and this homeless young man is able to get some safe accommodation from them. These friends are now helping him reestablish himself. I think it's an amazing story and I admire B's courage, not just in daring to approach this man out of concern but also in standing up to a  society which says "Don't do it". Beautiful, inspiring work, B.!!

Happy SAD Moments

It's not always easy living with social anxiety. And before I go further I should add that my perspective will be different from another person's perspective. I have a life where I can get out of the house each day but this is not everyone's experience.
Here are some of my observations from the previous week:

• I blogged last Wednesday about having no one to talk to after work. On Friday I got to have coffee with some of my colleagues. It was fun and something I felt I haven't done for a long time.  (I think because I haven't had a good chat with people for a while I talked a lot and probably quite forcibly.  Has anyone got some ideas for keeping calm and controlled when you feel as though you have a year's worth of comments to pour out?) It just goes to show that the world is not such a bad place!! It just gets quiet sometimes.
• I've put off approaching two people at work about a project they need to work on with me. For two weeks. Yikes!I put it off because I was sure their responses would be hostile. So I asked them yesterday and guess, what they said- "Sure!" So after I've wasted a certain amount of paid time avoiding the situation I realise that I was worrying about something that  might happen. And I was allowing myself to flood my mind with stressful thoughts. I take pride in my work and I don't consider myself a bludger yet I did waste time in this instance.
• Now this is a joyous one!! I went to an all-day PD and I was OK. I did so well. I found a seat, I wasn't late, I joined people at lunchtime and I actually found people to talk to. It's only been in the last two years that PDs and all-day meetings have been less-threatening. It's taken a while to get to this place but I'm sure glad I got to it. Getting to speak to others was a treat. Usually I make do for the day with a comment here or there and then I hide behind my cuppa as much as possible.

Arrival

I thought  it might be helpful to  say something about my arrival here on this page and how it all came to be.
I had been thinking about blogging for two years. I was keen to do a tongue-in-cheek blog about living a green life from the perspective of someone who leads a busy suburban life. Then I realised that it would be hard holding my head up around all those die-hard greenies if I were to  excuse away my lack of commitment to green living by saying that I get tired a lot, I have SAD, and I'm usually disorganised and unmotivated. Even so, you could say that it was those frugal living blogs that first got me going.
Then I wanted to write about inspirational people and the wonderful things that happen in everyday life. But again, I wondered what the reader would make of me wanting to write about experiences that others take for granted, like going out and having a really good time.  Nevertheless I thought it would be great to write about such achievements as well as share something of the simple beauty which is found in everyday life even amidst the struggles.
I only found out that I had SA three years ago. I was 43. For the first time in my life I had an explanation for the utter frustration I experienced. For years I had been trying to build a good life for myself only to find that, despite all my efforts, I would always find myself at home, and on my own.
It was a good feeling to understand finally why I had  always felt like I was living on the periphery.
Well, now that I know about SA I want to make others aware of it. The final driving factor for creating this blog is that I would love to help another person manage better the sorts of experiences that I had to go through because I didn't know any other way.

Everyone's gone home.

I came home today feeling just a tad sour. After an energetic day at work I finally had some time to chat and finish off my work in a relaxed mood. But, of course, by then everyone else in my department had gone home. They have families, I guess.
Every day is so busy and peppered with small talk about work and its happenings, a joke here, a comment there. At the end of today, with all the pressure off, I really wanted to stop and have a decent conversation with someone but...there was noone. The room was empty.
And then home to my own company. At home I found myself sitting at my computer, gazing across the room. I knew that I had it within me to switch my thoughts to something more positive and more constructive. But I didn't want to. Positive thoughts weren't going to bring fine company into my lounge room, especially on a weeknight.
So I cooked. I checked my emails. I put on some good music. I ate a hearty curry meal (well, it was without the chicken because I forgot to get the chicken! But for a girl who has been known to have toast as an evening meal, this was still a grand effort). And somehow I did forget about the fact that it was just me for dinner again. And I guess I did enjoy my second glorious attempt at cooking a curry dish. And I did lose myself in my music.
I feel good for the end of a busy day. I guess,  I don't feel so bad right now about being on my own. In fact, my mind is thinking about what needs to be done before I go to sleep. I think I feel rested which is a nice feeling as I haven't felt this way for a long time.

My chicken curry. First attempt!

How do you get by when you wish you had company but you know it can't happen at that particular time?