Feeling down: No easy answer.

I'm an idealist. I love to dream. I love to sit back and reflect on life. From time to time I find myself reading lots of articles about Living Life to the Full, Being Happy, Life is What You Make It.

I truly wonder whether some of those writers have had a life where they constantly have to deal with  health issues  and whether they've ever had to make do on their own, day after day, year after year. It seems to me that, in their world, living a good, healthy life naturally and easily results in finding a fabulous life-with partner- in a few weeks or months.

Oh, I wish my life were like that!

With this in mind I often feel disappointed  when I can't live up to those expectations. In the last few days I've found myself coming home wanting to cry. I try to tell myself that I am happy but the truth is that for some unclear reason I am not.

I have been busy and I'm finally managing to shake off a bug. Last night I went to yoga relaxation class only to return home tired and with more book work to do. The dishes were not done for the second night in a row (hopefully tonight I'll get them done). Monday nights are always stressful.

I need to be level-headed at these times and not get carried away with the emotions.

I am tired +
I have had a bug and I haven't shaken it off completely +
I have been busy +
My new class is very demanding and the level is new to me +
I am getting out less and less these days
= a Rivergirl who misses her time and space and energy!!!!

I'm not sure what the answer is.

In the past I have made time each night to think of 5 things which have been a positive part of my life on that day. This  may not take away my feelings of sadness straight away but I believe that it  helps balance out my "tiredness" and "down" feelings. I think that  life with SAD readily gives way to negative thinking so  this practice "trains" me to think more positively (even though I haven't been practising it lately). I first started using it when my mind was overwhelmed at nights from  worrying too much.

So today, I am grateful for...

• I went grocery shopping and now I've got some decent food in the house again!
• It's my television free night and I'm sticking to it.
• I've got something to look forward to- tomorrow I've organised to meet with another teacher for coffee before school. This is something I like to do but I rarely do because so many of my colleagues are busy with family etc.
• I'm glad I saw the opportunity last week to accept the coffee invitation when I could have said that early mornings are too hard for me.
• It's Tuesday night. Monday nights are a mad rush but Tuesday nights I can relax.
• Hey, I got to work earlier than usual. After a great start to the year (breakfast every morning, gettin to work with time to spare) I've returned to the days of old: get up, get dressed, run out. But today I got to work ten minutes earlier.
• ...which reminds me, I got to clean up a portion of the  mess on my desk at work; a very small portion but a portion nonetheless

So my strategies this week for combatting the blues and the energy drain:

1. Keep things in perspective. If possible separate the emotional from the practical.  "I am feeling down because I am sick and I am tired... and that's how it is right now."
2. Take time to focus on what has been good in your life today. Celebrate these moments.

Sunshine

When I started on this blog I was so looking forward to sharing many wonderful things about life. Yet, the last two weeks have been a struggle. Fatigue gave way to laryngitis and I almost felt I was starting to lose sight of what it was like to feel good and enjoy day-to-day living.
Then the sun came out. One thing that keeps me going in life is the sunshine. I can feel down and depressed but once that sun comes out it seems to signal to me a ray of hope, even if it's just the hope of finding beauty in my surroundings.
With the finer weather I got outside and did some gardening. Having something that lifts your spirits is so important. Knowing those things is an important gift to yourself. And if you're lucky those things will be available and inexpensive!
Some of the things that lift my spirits are

• working in the garden: I rarely get beyond the weeding stage but I love being out there
• listening to music: I've got my favourite music on my ipod, it's amazing what a good song can do for you
• sunshine: what a boost and when it comes after days of grey it's like gold
• a nice, hot bath: sometimes we forget to spoil ourselves

The last couple of weeks have been trying and tiring. After getting out in the garden yesterday I still found myself feeling very confined when I had to spend yet another evening on my own. I wanted to scream several times over the last few days but with a weakened voice I couldn't. It was very frustrating and it also got lonely.
 Thank goodness the sunshine came and rescued me!!

What lifts your spirits?

Nothing

Tuesday is my blog night. It's one night a week I know I can get some time to write.
BUT
I've just spent the last 30 minutes trying to sign in.
Now I've got no more energy left.
Time to sleep.

Maybe just a photo...

It was a really difficult time but...

It's been a funny old week. I've not been getting a lot of sleep which is making me tired and grumpy. It seems no matter how much time I put into my work- including unpaid time at home- it's never enough. I've been feeling tired and stressed.
A few years ago I had a young person stay with me for a few months. It ended up being an extremely difficult time. At that stage I did not know about social anxiety so there were many instances when I needed to be firmer but I wasn't. This resulted in a lot of unnecessary stress.
Several years ago I lost my father and it was a very painful process. I grieved for a long time, mostly on my own. It was one of my toughest experiences watching him die and trying to make sense of his death.
Through all of these difficult times I'm always amazed at what comes out of it.
Before Dad died I really didn't know how to acknowledge my feelings. I knew how to say what I believed others wanted me to feel but I could not actually recognise my own feelings. Through the turmoil of grief I turned to counselling. Through counselling  I finally  learnt to identify my own feelings. Through all that pain I learnt many vital life lessons.
When the young person stayed with me I had very little time to dwell on my thoughts which made me see how much I get caught up in my own thinking when I am on my own. This helped me realise that in one way or another my inner chatterbox gets carried away when the reins are let loose, and that perhaps it is something which I can change.
This last week I have not enjoyed the stress but amidst all the weariness I  managed to do something I have wanted to do for so long. I love nature and in my little suburb there's almost none. Almost. Except for now. We have a grasslands area with ponds and ducks, swans, lots of trees and open space. Yes, it is between a long line of back fences and a big electrified wire fence which  protects the grasses. But it is a little haven with a beautiful path winding through it. and it is so close to my home I can't believe I had never tried it.
For three years I had wanted to go there but I've always hesitated and chosen to go around the block instead  or  just  stay at home. I was always a little anxious about visiting somewhere new and feared that I might find silly young people around, causing havoc. What I did find was peace and tranquillity and enough openness for me to sing my heart out without bothering anyone.The walk was invigorating on a cold, Sunday morning and I felt mighty chuffed by my achievement. I hope to make it a weekly ritual.
The fact is I only got there because last Sunday morning, I was getting too caught up in my "down" thinking  and I wanted to cry out of frustration. The idea of walking around the block depressed me.... but I wanted to shake off the blues, somehow. I thought, if only I could escape to the bush and nothave to worry about work and everything here...and then the grasslands came to mind!

By the way, when I got there. no young ones were wreaking havoc, just  a variety of individuals  out walking vigorously. 
(The photo is not of our local grasslands but taken in bushland another hour  inland)
Have you ever found that something really difficult showed you the way to something new and enlightening?

Moments of Inspiration

It's been quite a week of inspiration. The introvert that I am, I often find my sources of inspriation in obscure reading and internet surfing and the like. This week I have been privileged enough to experience this so close to home.

• I visited very good friends of mine in their new home last weekend. It's a lovely big home, well-built, many rooms and in a good part of town. I am rather envious. Then they decided to tell me about their visitor who was on his way to their place. It turns out that he is homeless. I was gobsmacked ( and wondering at what point they would realise that they could only wind up getting hurt). My friend, B, had seen him in the park on the way to work and had started talking to him. Then she decided to share a meal with him once a week. She has since introduced him to another friend and this homeless young man is able to get some safe accommodation from them. These friends are now helping him reestablish himself. I think it's an amazing story and I admire B's courage, not just in daring to approach this man out of concern but also in standing up to a  society which says "Don't do it". Beautiful, inspiring work, B.!!

Happy SAD Moments

It's not always easy living with social anxiety. And before I go further I should add that my perspective will be different from another person's perspective. I have a life where I can get out of the house each day but this is not everyone's experience.
Here are some of my observations from the previous week:

• I blogged last Wednesday about having no one to talk to after work. On Friday I got to have coffee with some of my colleagues. It was fun and something I felt I haven't done for a long time.  (I think because I haven't had a good chat with people for a while I talked a lot and probably quite forcibly.  Has anyone got some ideas for keeping calm and controlled when you feel as though you have a year's worth of comments to pour out?) It just goes to show that the world is not such a bad place!! It just gets quiet sometimes.
• I've put off approaching two people at work about a project they need to work on with me. For two weeks. Yikes!I put it off because I was sure their responses would be hostile. So I asked them yesterday and guess, what they said- "Sure!" So after I've wasted a certain amount of paid time avoiding the situation I realise that I was worrying about something that  might happen. And I was allowing myself to flood my mind with stressful thoughts. I take pride in my work and I don't consider myself a bludger yet I did waste time in this instance.
• Now this is a joyous one!! I went to an all-day PD and I was OK. I did so well. I found a seat, I wasn't late, I joined people at lunchtime and I actually found people to talk to. It's only been in the last two years that PDs and all-day meetings have been less-threatening. It's taken a while to get to this place but I'm sure glad I got to it. Getting to speak to others was a treat. Usually I make do for the day with a comment here or there and then I hide behind my cuppa as much as possible.