Vegetable Garden update

Life is getting exciting in the vegie garden. I've been watching green capsicums and green grapes turn red, to my surprise. The green grapes have never made it this far. I thought they were turning rotten but, to my delight, it's just part of their transformation.

The zucchini are about to take off. They've been ripening at the timely rate of once or twice a week but any day now that's going to increase.
Mr S loves tomatoes so he planted as many as he could. Some are from seed, some sprouted in the compost and some were given to us. They've taken off with neither of us having had the chance or means to get them properly staked. I'm still  looking forward to tasting them.

My beautiful pink hydrangea, which was a splurge last year, took a battering on one of our 40 degree days. I forgot  to cover it. I'm hoping that with some extra tender, loving care, it might rejuvenate itself.

One of the unexpected delights is the iceberg roses. They've never looked so good. They got a very tough pruning after a run of hostile weather but they've come back better than ever.

The strawberries look great but what is one to do with 3 tiny ones? I think I'll need to plant more next year.
The apple tree is netted.It's a minature and was here when I moved in, so I don't know what variety it is. Last year I was away as they were ripening and we had a shocking run of temperatures in the high 30s. The apples are ripening so it'll be interesting to see what they taste like.

Have a relaxing Sunday!

Should I tear up my goal list?

I've been trying to get back to my blog schedule of talking about my goals mid-week. I was sure that with focus and commitment I could achieve what I set out to do but it looks like these holidays my plans are flying out the window. Perhaps I should tear up my goal list?
Just over a week ago I hurt my back and all my holiday activities were curtailed. I couldn't do much at all so that included no running, which was one of my top goals. I couldn't write and I couldn't work at my laptop for more than a few minutes. I could surf the internet and I could watch television but I've even tired of those activities.
It makes me wonder about making plans and trying to determine how our lives will be. I've had so many good intentions these holidays, many of which have not eventuated. I had hoped to visit old friends but one didn't reply and the other had to postpone till autumn. I've called friends to catch up on the phone but no one is home! I had hoped to blog regularly but Mr S and I were devoting a lot of time to job-hunting. 
Surprisingly I've been positive while finding myself beached on the couch. Health issues flare up every now and then for me and I've had to resign myself over the years to surrender and give in to the need to rest completely, after many years of ignoring what my body was saying. Back then, when I did start staying at home longer to recuperate, because I had no choice,  I used to get upset the first couple of days realising that I couldn't do what I set out to do for that week. I hadn't realised how tightly I had tied my self-worth into "work" and "achieving" or getting things done. So, it was interesting to see with this current injury I accepted very quickly that I would rest completely even though nothing would get ticked off my "to do" list. 
Yes, it does help that it's holidays and I've got support at home which I didn't have in the past. It's also given me plenty of time to see that while my prescribed goals are not getting ticked off the list, the world keeps turning and I keep learning and moving ahead.

• Each day, I've noted improvements with my back and celebrated small achievements. I was very excited when I realised I could walk again. The first day I was able to walk, I went with a smile on my face each time I took off, taking a few tottery steps here and there. Yesterday was exciting because I managed to sit at the table and do an email for the first time in a week.
• Mr S landed a job half an hour after I hurt my back. 
• Resting on the couch, for the umpteenth hour, I looked across to my precious bookshelf and realised that I'm ready to cut down the number of books on those shelves. That's one area I thought I'd never ever tamper with and yet, that moment has arrived.
• I caught another glimpse of the beauty of life from my couch one early morning when I woke and saw Mr S studying hard at the dining room table so that one day he can take a course to better himself. I was filled with admiration. 
• This experience has reinforced the challenge of embracing life as it is now. It's shown me that there are still highlights to be had.  One thing I've looked forward to in the last few days is a walk outside amongst the vegies. Sometimes I'm too busy to get out there and look properly but this week I've enjoyed my little wander and I've been able to take the time to notice what is happening in each area.

I can't help wondering what the point is in heavily scheduling memories when life has its own way of delivering what we need. Why don't we let life unfold  naturally? 
There seem to be gentle reminders that life does this anyway, no matter how much I try to herd it into my carrel of "The Perfect Life".   
I often hear people say they want to create memories by going to a certain place at a certain time. What happens to those people if they have a lovely moment with their son or daughter at the kitchen sink while doing the dishes? What happens if the kids have a barrel of fun running under the sprinkler in the backyard on a hot, summer's day? Is life only remarkable if we can plan for it and photograph it?

What does this mean for me? 
I guess it's another question to ponder. I know my goals and my list for each day are very important to me. I love returning from holidays and being able to share with people what I've done. I love celebrating all the projects I've completed. 
These holidays have certainly presented me with another way to live,and very little of that was on my goal list!!  What am I going to say when I head back to work next week?

Gratitude Part 2

To be authentic I felt I needed to write a follow-up to Gratitude (which became Gratitude Part 1). It would have been easy to write about feeling down the other day , and leaving it at that, but that wouldn't tell the whole story. Or I might have made it show too easily how being "positive" can result in what you hope for.  So I decided to write a little more about that day and add what happened next.

Pittwater NSW 

It was a real struggle that day. I did feel down and the weather had been grey for days. Sunshine is the salve on  most of my wounds but I couldn't look to that the other day. As I said, focussing on "positive things" in my life certainly helped me shift from not wanting to do anything to being able to get up and get some things done. Even then, later that day there were lapses into feeling sad and not wanting anyone to see that.

At the end of Gratitude 1 I had written about embracing what is, as is, now. It really resonated with where I was at and I was keen to spend time reflecting on it. With those words in mind, I was determined to finish the last bits and pieces so the office would be ready once and for all...
...which is about the time when I hurt my back!!
...which was shortly followed by the news that Mr S had been given  a job!!!!

For so long I had been looking forward to that moment and when it finally arrived I could barely cheer.

Three days on and life is better. My back is still healing but thankfully I'm on holidays and there's no pressure to be doing things. Mr S has picked up in spirits and so have I. I must say I was a little sad at first because the new job means he will be away from home each week.  But I know how important it is to him and it's in such a lovely country area with lovely old cottages and shopfronts.

I'm sure there will be more challenges and more adventures along the pot-holed road of life but, for now, I'm very thankful for the wonderful opportunity given to Mr S and I'm certainly grateful that my back is healing and it's getting easier to do things around home.

Gratitude Part 1

Sleepy summer Pittwater, NSW

I'm needing a little boost today. It's holiday time which is when I usually find a comfortable momentum as I get into the gentle pace of domestic living. 
These holidays it's been different because Mr S is here. Now, that's been good. Last year he was living in the next state so that meant we could only see each other every couple of months. However, Mr S left his job and lifestyle over there to be with me here and he has yet to find work. We've been checking out jobs every day for the last two months and we've now extended the search to country areas (which means that he would be living away from home). As I sit down to search again it's hard to approach it without feeling down.
One of the key requirements of many jobs here is that you have your own car. Mr S doesn't. He's prepared to ride his bike but they don't accept that. There's no regard for the fact that he has been riding his bike to cold-call places for work. There's no regard for the fact that he travelled on foot to work for the last four years, two years of which required him to walk at 3 every morning.  If you haven't got a car you're crossed off the list. Mr S figures that there is no point in him getting a car and paying for driving lessons while he has no income. He's very proud and I need to respect that.
But he's a fantastic worker and someone one day soon is going to be very glad he's on their team...
Meanwhile I need a boost and one of the best ways I know to do that is to focus on what's been good in the last few days.
This is what I have come up with

• The front room is slowly getting sorted and I never thought it would happen so quickly.
• I did housework this week! It's been a while since I've had time to do a proper clean instead of a quick tidy-up.
• We've been eating zucchini from our own garden. There seem to be one or two to pick each week which is perfect timing.
• The grapes are ripening. This could be the first year I actually get to eat some, though I think they're probably a wine-making variety. I'm  not even sure how I will know when they are ready.
• Mr S had an interview in the country the other day, in central Victoria. We stopped at a beautiful, sleepy town that had a very old feel about it. We had time for a stroll up and down either side of its one street. It was so peaceful there.
• I'm slowly getting somewhere with the running. It's been a slow journey. It's taken a while and I'm still a couple of weeks off my goal. BUT, I'm almost there.
• I've had time to indulge in my passion for dream house programs on cable TV, and let me say that these are better than chocolate cake cf. "You Live In What" and "Escape to the Country".
• I have a "word" for the year and I've printed out my goals for the year. I've organised my own version of a household folder  that sits nicely in the newly-organised office.
• I had a beautiful walk the other night with Mr S. around the lake near our home. It's nice to be able to get out and enjoy the summer evenings.
• I think there's something to be said for "lulls" in life. I don't think life is meant to be smiling faces every second of the day. I'm a bit of an idealist so I need to be careful of aiming high and believing that life is only good when great things are happening.  With this in mind, I'm grateful for the space to realise this and to be able to challenge myself to embrace what is, as is, now.

Would you believe that I feel better? The weather is still miserable outside, considering it's summer, but changing my focus for a few minutes has helped  me think about something different. It's put me in the mood to be productive. It's now time to clean out a cupboard, clean the bathroom and go for a run. Time to put on some music and go get started.

FOCUS

There you have it. That's my word for 2015. 
FOCUS.
I didn't think I needed a word because I had clearly set-out goals. And, if I was going to have a word, then I was sure I would have one which would be inspiring and impressive. 
Reading all about other people's chosen words did get me thinking what mine would be if I did choose one. I wondered what phenomenal words would materialise if I let myself listen and be guided by what came to  mind.
Focus was the word that came to mind and the one that I rejected for its boring practicality.
Reflecting on my goals the other day, it occurred to me that one of the main things stopping me from achieving them are distractions like the television and the  computer. All too often, I procrastinate by engaging with the TV or internet. Or else, I try to do too many things at the one time.
So I know why focus needs to be my guiding word this year. I need to focus more closely on one goal or one task. Another way of thinking about it is less multi-tasking and more attention on one activity (uni-tasking!!). 
This word also relates to me in my day-to-day efforts to get along with others.  Being present when I'm with others is one of my main goals this year. It requires me to focus on the person and not let myself be distracted. It's a challenge but a worthwhile one. 
The other reason I'm happy to adopt a guiding word for 2015 is that it helps me when I am getting anxious around other people. It's short and easy to remember so in a moment of stress I can simply say the word to myself and recast my focus onto the person I'm with. In times of stress I don't want the hassle of trying to recall multi-staged reminders to help me regain my composure.

So there we have it... FOCUS. 

• doing one thing at a time
• being present to the other person and focussing closely on what he or she is saying
• a means to an effective way of working

Simple living Sunday: When I say simple what do I mean?

Finding a hidden treasure when decluttering this week.

I always have holidays at this time of the year so it's a great opportunity to evaluate where things are at in my life. Even though I'm fairly happy with where things are at in terms of my simple living goals I wanted to try to define what simple living means to me. I came up with the following:

making a conscious choice to live  mindfully, 

making choices that are people-friendly and earth-friendly 

and which enable life to be simple and uncomplicated. 

The last part could be an oxymoron as I can be intense at times especially when my inner chatterbox is in "anxiety mode" which is why simple and uncomplicated are important parts of the definition.

Simple and uncomplicated means that my life does not have to be determined by the media and marketing world. I can live my life free of advertising persuasions. It means that  shopping is intentional moreso than a way to pass time. At Christmas time I chose not to buy presents for friends. I know some people put a lot of time and thought into gift-giving but when I see the amount of things in my home I find I choose not to add to the clutter and, ultimately, landfill. I have plenty so I don't feel the need to gather more and I'm not sure that Christmas is meant to be about that sort of gift-giving. That's something which I hope to explore a little more come Christmas 2015!

Simple and uncomplicated - I'm learning- means that life's goals can be achieved just as well using the simplest of methods rather than resorting to expensive or complicated methods. Simple and uncomplicated is also where I find my life balance. Weeding the garden is one of my most enjoyable recreational activities. I find it therapeutic and I find it energises me.

Simple and uncomplicated means that I don't have chickens and sprawling vegie gardens and I don't make everything from scratch. One of my life purposes is to teach and to be present to those students and that requires time and energy. I'm happy to do that work so bringing chickens into the equation would not fit at all. There are weeks where the dishes don't get done so it's important for me to know what I can manage easily (=simple) and what would make life  unnecessarily stressful (= complicated). It means I do what I can when I can.

This week I've gotten into the swing of making sure simple living can happen in my home by decluttering the tubs and cupboards in one of the unused rooms. At one point I was quite dismayed to see the amount of stuff I had stacked away as I really do try to be careful about what I hold on to. Once I got past that stage it felt good knowing that I could focus on making way for a nice, inviting work and relaxation space. It's been very satisfying carting loads of stuff off to the local op shop but just a tad frustrating knowing I haven't yet finished. Stay focussed!!

It's time for these papers to go!

These tubs have been sorted. Just one cupboard to go...

Sunshine after days of rain

So on this windy, overcast Sunday, it's back to the grindstone. I want to make a vegetable lasagne for dinner,  I'll probably relax after that as I've been feeling tired lately and I don't have any pressing deadlines at the moment. The sun's coming out which is heartening as this  house is dark in summer when the light is low.

Have a good week.

Goals for 2015: Be healthy and happy!

My overriding goal for 2015, as I approach a milestone birthday, is to be healthy and happy, with particular emphasis on healthy.

As I age - yes, I am still young, but I can definitely notice my body changing in many ways - I want to make this a priority. It's easy for me to forget about drinking water or going for a run when work or the internet take over, yet for me to be truly healthy now and in the future, the exercise needs to be regular and happening NOW.

Being happy is just as important but I feel there is so  much in my life which is good and that is something which I can more easily work on at any time and any place. Being happy is a broad term and I suppose I really use it to mean wellbeing of spirit and mind, rather than wearing a smile on your face every moment of your day.

So to be healthy this year I want to commit  to

• running three times a week
• buying a "good" bike and going for weekly bike rides
• drinking more water every day

To be happy  I aim to do what I can do to enhance my social wellbeing (with SA that's something which I often avoid, tending to put my energies into personal pursuits), enjoy my house and garden and continue to work on keeping life simple and meaningful.

Social and personal wellbeing goals:

• listen attentively, focus on the speaker (not myself), be present, talk less
• make an effort to invite friends over or catch up with friends once a month, be active

Enjoying  house and garden

•  hang pictures around house
•  make two more, small fairy gardens
•  one new recipe a month
•  one additional cleaning job a week
• commit to planned routine time e.g. Friday nights bills and planning, a load of washing midweek
• spend time in the garden at least once a week

Keeping life simple and meaningful ( in addition to all of the above goals)

• take time to reflect and express gratitude on a weekly basis
• at the end of the year prepare and celebrate a simple, intentional Christmas
• watch pennies more closely, chip away at the mortgage
• sew; possibly try some bunting or a table runner
• planned computer time rather than using it as a procrastination tool
• blog twice a week

There are many goals but I've got a whole year to work towards achieving them. I tried to implement quite a number of them last year so in 2015 I just need to commit to them. I endeavour to live a life that is people-friendly and earth-friendly, as well as being simple and mindful, so such values need also to underlie what I hope to accomplish this year.

Let's see how it goes for 2015. I've highlighted those goals which need to stay on top and which will take priority even when life gets too busy. It's holiday time at the moment so it's the perfect time for making a start. No excuses!!  

Living in the shadows: A quick message of encouragement.

One of my main reasons for blogging is to create a gentle awareness of social anxiety and  to encourage people to do something about it. A few days ago I came across some long-ago memories of my walk with social anxiety when I was cleaning out the shed.

Thoughts I had on social anxiety aged 31. Not knowing that "the shadows" had a name.

               Why do I feel as if I am standing in the shadows?
               I want to step out
               But there is no place for me

               In the shadows 
               I busy myself
              Caught up happily in life's demands
              Until again 
              The beauty of light flickers my way
              And I stop and look

              There is beauty in the shadows
              But the light is where life blooms.

That day in the shed I spent a long time flicking through pages and pages of those old diaries and letters. The letters brought back the most wonderful memories of  my first year backpacking alone and my later years working abroad.  However, the diaries were  a little more revealing. They showed, in detail, the struggle that was a part of my everyday life.

When I returned from working overseas my friends, who were by that time long-married, were having their first and second children.  I found it hard to reconnect with them. I was struggling to go out on weekends. I was struggling to find someone to share a coffee with. I wanted to go for walks but I was too embarrassed, too shy, too uncomfortable. I wanted to meet people but I found it so hard. I felt terribly lonely and my diaries show the first signs of cynicism entering my life during that time.

I don't feel that I am living in the shadows anymore. Sure, life is sometimes lonely and challenging. I see that now as a normal part of being human. I believe social anxiety will always be a part of my life but I try not to let it define me.  Nowadays, I have clocked up hundreds of walks by myself and this year I started to run by myself. (Needless to say, this did not happen overnight.)

But the change from struggling with life to engaging with life only came about when I started to go to counselling with a professional.

If you're familiar with this hidden struggle, I'd like to offer you a message of encouragement. Perhaps you would like to learn  how to step out from the shadows. I hope you get an opportunity in 2015 to  see a counsellor or psychologist, if you haven't already, so that you can begin the journey to a more light-filled  life.

Life doesn't always have to be about living in the shadows. 

DISCLAIMER:
I write this blog from a personal perspective.
I am not an expert nor a professional regarding the subject of social anxiety.
When I offer a definition of what social anxiety is, it may not be what the experts say it is. It is simply my interpretation of my experience of it.