Sunday 26 April 2015

Lately

I'm ready to get back into the swing of things after feeling a little under the weather over the last couple of weeks. It's nice to feel the energy of possibility again after needing to put everything on pause. I've been easing my way back into busyness though I always feel the tendency to want to run around and catch up on everything I had put on hold. Somehow or other, life goes on, regardless of what I have and haven't done. 

   I managed to go for a walk around the neighbourhood so it was good to get out into the fresh air. I really enjoyed working with Mr S these last couple of weeks. Our schedules mean that we often do housework at very different times but lately our "free" time has overlapped. It's been really nice to see how easy it can be to get the house clean and comfortable when there are two pairs of hands.


   I noticed lately I haven't been keeping a list of what I need to do so that might be top of my "to do" list tonight. It feels like "Take Two" with my goals but I'm ready to prepare for the week and make the most of it. I think having breakfast before I go to work will need to be my priority this week. 
   I had a lovely lunch with a good friend this afternoon. She took the risk of inviting another friend over and I'm so glad she did. I'm not sure whether it's an introvert thing or a social anxiety thing but I noticed we can sometimes get almost territorial about our time with a friend, hoping no one else comes in on it and spoils our special time. I think it's because we treasure the opportunity to connect meaningfully and know that such opportunities are extremely rare. 
    Friend G had invited Ms C to our afternoon gathering and what a delight it was. She was a lovely person. Sweet, mature, intelligent, engaging.  When Friend G confided that Ms C has only been living in this state for the last four years and has never experienced such loneliness in her life, I felt humbled. I was so glad we had been open to including her rather than limiting ourselves. 
   It also made me think about my goal to invite others over to our house once a month. For one, it reminded me how important it is to reach out to others and put our own needs aside for a while. However, it also reminded me that I have yet to actually invite anyone over and how lovely it would be if we did that.

Sunday 19 April 2015

What I Can Do

 
 I don't feel well. I haven't felt great for a few days now. There's so much I want to do. I want to run. I want to garden. I want to create. I want to invite people over. Yet, I can't. I miss my days of planning and ticking off goals and tasks and feeling like I'm making the most of my life. 

   This morning, lying in bed and feeling too tired to get up, I wondered how to make sense of it. I've been reading lots of blogs as I haven't had enough energy for much else, but it has left my mind buzzing with stories of people who are running around doing hundreds of  things while I do nothing. 

   Then I remembered. Nearly twenty years ago, I was going through a slump. It was one of the worst times in my life and, back then, not knowing I had social anxiety, it was incredibly difficult to know what to do. I felt isolated at that time and no one really knew I was struggling. It was a time of transition. I had left a beautiful job and lifestyle for another one and it wasn't working out. In fact, the job was disastrous and I had to leave. 

   With no work, I used to sync my life with the TV. Oprah was on at 2:00 in the afternoon and after a dose of inspiration from her I would feel better about moving on with my day. One afternoon, still feeling very sorry for myself , Oprah was interviewing a young man who had lost so much and had so little. I was impressed to see how conscientious he was. It amazed me that he believed enough in himself to go to school, have goals and be determined to pass and go on to further study. 

   Oprah asked him how he managed to keep going. 

   He replied, "I just think about what I can do. I don't think about what I can't do." 

   Now those words have stayed with me. Very close to me. For the big challenges as well as the smaller ones. I may have mistaken the precise wording but I have never forgotten the lesson that young man taught me. I don't like to promote "big business" but I do want to acknowledge how important that program was to me at that time. 

I was so self-absorbed in what I couldn't do that I had forgotten what I could do.

   So this morning, I shared the story with Mr S and I realised that I need to approach my life this week with that in mind. It's frustrating not being able to do the things I love but there is still so much that I have and that I can do.

This week...
I can lie in bed while the rain pours down (not the whole week!).
I can see the sun shining over the park after the last downpour.
I can still try to keep up my water intake.
I can still try to be mindful of my internet usage.
I've got two lovely classes of students so I think I can still keep teaching without losing my voice and taking time off work.
I can make sure that I monitor my health and rest as much as possible.
I can prioritise what needs to be done.
I can dream about all those projects and dreams I want to work on when I do feel stronger!


Tuesday 14 April 2015

Goals for April

My post labelled Goals for March is now Goals for April. Perhaps it would be more aptly named Goals for the Next Few Weeks, Reflecting on Goals for the Last Few Weeks.

These days I feel I'm getting back to a routine where I have more choice over what I can and can't do. My back's going well. My car's going well. Mr S's brother has gone back home. Holidays are over. I welcome the time  I now have to plan  and reflect.

Goals for March...and thereabouts
  • I now drink more water. My drink bottle fits snuggly in its place near my seat in the car. It's spill-proof and easy to carry around.
  • Getting up early. This worked well before the holidays. During the Easter break I continued to get up early to take Mr S to work. I've also been going to bed earlier. Hopefully I can keep up this new habit.
  • Exercise. I've done a good deal of walking in the last couple of weeks and I have just started running again, that is for a few minutes. It certainly feels good.
  • I'm really pleased I brought in time to create.  I'm still reaping the benefits and enjoying the simple changes I've made to the decor.
  • Housework!! Ugh!!! I got Mr S's brother to vacuum once. Does that count as achieving the goal of one key job a week? I did clean the shower this past week. (My excuse is my back. It tires easily.)
  • Reducing screen time/Increasing "focus" time. Overall I've been on the computer a lot lately. On a few occasions I've consciously chosen not to switch on the computer or TV. 
  • Friday Bill Time going very well and keeping me on top of matters financial. 
Goals for April into May...looking ahead....
  • Exercise. Walking and running three times a week.
  • Drink more water.
  • Get up early. Not easy now that it is dark and cold in the mornings. I am enticing myself with a chai latte this Thursday morning. I am not a morning person so I need to make it "pleasant".  Tomorrow morning I'd like to bake biscuits for Mr S to take back to work. Could be wishful thinking!
  • No FB till Friday. 
  • Listen mindfully. Need to do something concrete to make this a definite part of my life.
  • Try, try, try to do one key cleaning job a week.
  • Around the house. Take out house picture to frame and come up with the next concrete step. What do I need to fix it in place in the frame which is empty and waiting to be used?
  • Invite a friend over and prepare something to eat, whether it's a snack or a meal.
 I think that's enough. If I can achieve some of these goals this week I will be happy indeed. It always helps when I have focus and time to reflect. I become more mindful of how I approach my whole life and I become more open and more aware of ways in which I can do this. So,  I'm hoping for continued, quality thinking time. Waking up earlier, my Friday evening routine and less screen time are definite ways I can achieve that. I also want to keep in mind one of my main goals which is to be healthy and that only comes about by working at it. With all these thoughts in mind I'm set and focussed for a productive week.




















Saturday 11 April 2015

Close Encounters of the SAd Kind


During the holidays I spent time with a few people who find socialising very difficult. They worry a lot and avoid new situations. You could say, I had several, close encounters of the SAd kind. Because I know the language of SAd, I can often recognise it in other people. I picked up on their discomfort and it was easy to sense their pain, as hidden as it was.

One friend had a problem at work. It was just a matter of  talking to the boss about it for a minute or two. I watched one evening as she put off calling him. The night went on and any mention of it was brushed off. Her focus was on her laptop. It looked like she was interested in whatever was on her screen and perhaps she was. It reminded me how once I managed to put off seeing my boss for three days. I remember trying to think of anything that would allow me to forget about it. However, like my friend's attempts to bury it, it doesn't go away. It stays there and so does the discomfort and the (unnecessary) worry.

Meanwhile, another friend has taken on a new role at work which has meant moving to a new site. She is ideal for the job. She has good skills as well as the right aptitude for the position. Unfortunately, it is isolating. People in her office work independently and they work to different timelines. The other side of it is she has actually made a positive impact. Her boss has said so and, when she talks about her work, her face lights up.

I noticed that most of her words are focussed on the  negative: the isolation, the not-knowing-anyone, the challenges of a new route to work each day. She's adamant this is not the job for her even though it is something she has wanted to try for years. It happens that she has just started having coffee with one staff  member and she has exchanged recipes with another colleague. Her focus on the negative makes it almost impossible for her to absorb the positive. She has lost sleep worrying about everything. This new role has meant advancement and a salary increase. She is gradually developing friendships. If the boss asks her to come back tomorrow she would jump at the opportunity.

I try to focus on the positive side of social anxiety but, at times, there is no getting away from the struggle and the discomfort of it. I watch my friend adjust to her new role and I see how she struggles. This is not the first time I have watched someone with SAd tendencies find it difficult to hold onto a new job, a pay rise, an opportunity.

There's nothing shocking about my first friend "forgetting" to go and see the boss, except that if you spent time with her you would see that her life is filled with these drawn-out moments. It seems that her social life is filled with internet time and she is always too busy or too tired to get involved with life others.

I had more experiences like these in the holidays. My close encounters with the SAd kind left me feeling a little sad and a little deflated.

Opportunities wasted. Sleepless nights. Difficulties engaging with others. Avoidance. Hiding. Young people acting out.  Social anxiety interrupts your life and yet in Australia very little is known about it.

This week there was a lot of talk about the differences between men and women's opportunities and salaries in the workplace.

I wonder what differences there are in the workplace for people with social anxiety and people without it.





Monday 6 April 2015

Living Simply Out and About

I've been enjoying the term holidays. It's nice to have a change of pace with enough time to talk to friends, go for leisurely walks and simply take it easy. 
I caught up with old college friends on my friend's farm. Good, homecooked food, wonderful company, hills and mountain ranges.
We stopped off at the Great Western Seppelts Winery. Lots of sun and, though I don't drink wine, the history of the place interested me greatly. 

In the middle of nowhere, you never know what you might see!
I've spent a bit of time at a friend's house close to where Mr S works, so I get to see him every day.

Mr S's brother is over for a visit so we've been doing sightseeing. I've only ever paid short visits to Daylesford and Hepburn Springs but this time I got to spend a few days up there. So much: cottages, historic buildings, bushland, relaxation, the lake. I bought two beautiful "reused" tables for our home, drank mineral water fresh from the spring and I discovered a cafe-though expensive- which combines the heavenly ambience of a homely library and a cosy lounge. Divine. Even if it doesn't sell chai lattes.





There was also time to catch up with family and join in the annual Easter egg hunt.


We've kept living simply with the occasional treat here and there. We brought food from home that was already in the cupboard rather than eating out at restaurants. We lit warm fires at night using firewood from the property and picked pears off the tree.  Going for walks costs nothing. Long, endless talks with friends is priceless. I did lash out and buy a couple of small, beautiful tables which we needed for our lounge area. I saved up money for some home accessories last year that was never spent so I "transferred" the funds from there to finance it.

I think I'm not farm girl material but I love being close to nature: one toe in the bush and one foot in a cottage in a small town sounds like perfection to me. I love the character of country towns. I'm grateful to my friend for opening up her home. I'm already thinking about the next time I can get up there. 
We were going to do some weeding for her but her warning not to poke around woodpiles, lest we waken the snakes, has ensured we stick to the paths when walking in the bush and kept us at a safe distance from her garden!

Wednesday 1 April 2015

Need to create! Housework can wait!


Need to create...can't wait...don't hesitate....

I've been busy the last few months trying to focus on what needs to be done, instead of getting caught up in what I enjoy doing. I haven't done any craft for a long time but I've felt the need to create. I've been missing it. I really believe in making time for the soul but I've been  waiting for a free moment.

Something was telling me I needed to get back to it, whether I had time or not. I know my soul feels nourished after time spent doing what I love so I could justify choosing it even when there were many other things to do. I was also encouraged after reading organisingqueen.com who was challenging readers to make time to do something they love.

Last Friday night I began. My goal had been to make gift tags for some small, thank-you gifts for those who helped me out when my car wasn't working. I wanted to use up what was already in the craft box and it had to be easy to do in one sitting.

On Thursday night - in a reckless moment of time-wasting on Pinterest- I was inspired to do an Easter vignette.  It was clearly a sign that my expressive side was needing attention. Or perhaps just another indication of my wonderful procrastination skills. 

Tags or bunny? 


My main goal was to paint a bunny to frame for Easter. As I painted, there was no doubt in my mind that it was really soothing creating something beautiful from the gentle brushstrokes on the crisp, clean page. It was peaceful and therapeutic. I felt rested. There was focus as I found myself being in the moment, lost in the swirl of the soft, pastel colours. 



While the bunny silhouette dried, I decided to get on with the gift tags and leave the housework for the next day. I rummaged around for pretty paper and offcuts, and used the hanging loops I've been snipping off clothes for ribbon. I cut and glued, then threaded the ribbon through a hole at the top of the tag. The most difficult part was shaping the cardboard to look like a gift tag.


The next day I bought some eggs and two ceramic birds from the el cheapo shop. Back at home, I grabbed a few minutes of my cleaning time to arrange the Easter display in the lounge room. I didn't have any green material but came across a bright and cheery, green scarf when I was putting away my clothes (I did make time for some housework!!).

I had a wonderful time reconnecting with my creative side. A few days later I still feel good about it and I'm keen to get back home and experience some more domestic bliss, which is the opposite of how I had been feeling the weeks before. The experience has cemented even further how important I think it is to listen to your soul. I feel nourished and energised. 

I hope you have some time this week to do something you love.