I sat there admiring her and a little envious. In that moment I wished I had had the same opportunity in my life. Perhaps if I had learnt Vietnamese when I was younger I might have mastered those tones and remembered more than what I did learning it in my later years.
Some people get amazing opportunities, I thought. Imagine if such an opportunity had come my way!
I'm not fluent in any language though I've dabbled in a few. It has to be said that one of my greatest dreams would be to speak fluently in another language.
Shortly after that conversation with my colleague, my mind started ticking over. You see, I spent over four years, off and on, learning Vietnamese and tackling those tones. Some days it was hard enough remembering the words, let alone their tones as well. I stumbled my way through that experience and now I am left with a smattering of useful expressions such as "Go away", "Can you tell me how much it is to ....?" and, of course, "Oh, my goodness!"
And then it hit me.
I did have my opportunity.
I had four wonderful, exciting and difficult months in Italy when I was younger. I was a nanny. I stayed with a family who expected me to work hard but who were also very good, hardworking people. When I arrived there my conversational skills were rather slow and stilted. I could barely converse. By the time I left, I had learnt to speak conversational Italian with ease.
However, at that time, I had social anxiety and didn't know about it. I would cry each day as I handwashed the baby's clothes. I felt both elated at what I was experiencing and claustrophobic at the same time. I would dream about being back home waiting for my dad to walk up the drive, as he got home from work. There I was on the holiday of a lifetime. Days off were spent alone. I was missing time on my own, away from the ever present grandmother, so I could refuel. I didn't know how to negotiate. I didn't know how to draw on my inner resources. I didn't know how to make the most of each moment, each day, each precious opportunity as I desperately tried to live out my dream of being in Italy and immersed in the language.
So I kept crying each day as I washed the baby's clothes. And finally decided to leave the position. Prematurely. My dream job.
I tell this story to help people understand what happens with social anxiety. On the surface, a little shyness seems trivial. Nothing to worry about. And yet, it affects people. It gets in the way of them reaching their true potential. It stops people fulfilling their dreams. It constantly leaves people with a sense of failure and inadequacy that hangs on much longer than necessary (OK....because we let it...).
And so that delightful conversation with my ccolleague reminded me of the fragility social anxiety brings to people's lives. One of the hardest things I found living with SA was not being able to rely on myself. When confident and assured I could do great things. When anxious I would fumble and flounder and flee.
One of the reasons I do this blog is to make people aware of social anxiety. I've been fortunate in my life that I can learn from my mistakes and I've been fortunate to have had counselling which has helped me cope better with daily life. It is my hope that by sharing some of my stories some readers might recognise social anxiety in someone they know. Knowing means you can do something about it (ultimately it's the person with social anxiety who has to make the change).
The pot-holed road is not as bumpy as it once was but, looking back, it sure would have been easier to have had the option of travelling a smoother road and reaching a sunny destination, rather than having to cut the trip short each time!
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| Central Vietnam |
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